A
female
age
36-40,
*hootit1987
writes:This is weird. I'll make it short.I was on OKC and I met this really nice guy. We started dating and 2 months into the relationship I found out he was writing to his ex gf, asking her to meet him. I confronted him and he came clean, saying he wanted her to tell him why she had left him. Apparently they were to be engaged and she'd stopped talking to him out of the blue.I took him back, but things were pretty bad. He was pretty insecure and would not give me any space. We had a really bad fight one night. I had gone out for a couple of drinks with an old friend of mine. At the end of the night, he dropped me back and kissed me. I was drunk - one thing left to another and we ended up having sex. The next morning, we talked a lot and both of us did not feel guilty about it at all. But he was in a very old relationship and he did not want to leave his gf, nor did I want to get involved with him. It was a one time fuck I guess. I know I did something wrong.Anyhow...back to my bf...we kept on fighting and one night, he lost his cool and pushed me. I stopped talking to him, meeting him but he persisted. Till I kind of gave in and things were much better till i discovered he'd been lying to me about falling sick, being in the hospital, and a lot of other things so that I would grow soft and talk to him. I confronted him and after many days, he admitted he had been lying because he was scared of my anger.I was really upset. I told him everything then - about how his intial actions hurt me, how I did what I did with another guy, how I am hurt he has been lying to me for 2 months.Are we too messed up?Sometimes when I am with him - things are perfect and I feel so happy. Other times, when he lies to me or acts all clingy, I can't tolerate him.Can we work this out? Where can I do better?Also my friend and I don't talk much anymore - we screwed up the friendship and we are to blame...what can I do about that??Help.
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female
reader, shootit1987 +, writes (30 July 2018):
shootit1987 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe got married. Cut a long story short we took a break n went for counseling and then tried again. We are happy now, still have niggling issues but nothing like what happened so many years ago. Thanks everyone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): Come on, my dear! If you thought this would work, you wouldn't be asking. Now would you?
Read your first post. He is conflicted, insecure, clingy, and still has unresolved issues with his ex. That all spells disaster.
Are you asking us to give you hope, or to tell you what you want to hear? Forgive yourself for the cheating. Guilt is not a reason to want to stay with someone, to prove how sorry you are for cheating. My advice to him would be to move on, and go fix his messy self. Grow-up, and can-it with the clingy crap. If he's insecure, fix it. Insecurity kills relationships. It smothers people to death.
Nothing is written in stone. We don't know either of you. We can only go by what you've written about you and your two-month relationship. You couldn't handle him being into his ex; so your remedy was to get drunk, and have sex with an old friend. Is that mature enough to really maintain a relationship? No!!! If you want an honest answer. That is the only kind of advice and answers I know how to give. I want to help you, not blind-fold you; and send you running into a wall.
You are creating imaginary scenarios about how the romance could be, instead of seeing it for it is. In your own words, it's "messed up." You may be kindred-spirits in your faults and weaknesses, but relationships are better built on your individual strengths. Not going in hoping to fix each other. That never works. That's tantamount to going in with blinders on, ignoring the facts; and ultimately coming out hurt on the other side. He's already in pain.
Why would we give you false-hope, when you don't see hope in it yourself?
Two messed-up people make one big mess. You like your space, while he is clingy and insecure. You're jealous of his ex-girlfriend; who may be in the picture until he is totally over her. Who knows how long that will be? If ever!
Instead of trying to build a relationship on a mess; isn't it more logical to clean up your mess first? If he is able to forgive you 100%, grow some testicles and man-up;, and you are able to deal with his clinginess, willing to "share him" with his ex-gf, and both of you work on your personal issues until they are totally fixed. Maybe there is hope. That is the only way it will work. I just don't see you happy with him pining and whining over some other female. Nor do you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): After only 2 months its not worth the trouble. If it was me there's no way I could be bothered to give a secong chance it has barely begun and is already a problem.I'd be looking to date someone new.
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A
female
reader, shootit1987 +, writes (9 August 2015):
shootit1987 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan people be messed up and still make it work? Please give me some hope.
I'm not clinging on to this due to a fear of being alone. I'm doing it because somewhere deep inside I know he is a kindred spirit. I can't explain it.
Everything is out in the open and we can give it one last shot.
I know I have made mistakes. When i found out about that other girl, i went into a rage...and hence I guess I didn't think twice when I went off with my friend.
But. There have been times when I have needed him and he has come through. I just don't get the lying and emotional manipulation.
All I want to know is - is it worth one last shot or should i end it and let us both move on with our lives?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): "we talked a lot and both of us did not feel guilty about it at all." vs "I know I did something wrong."Something is wrong with you, to not understand how much you contradict your own self right down and there.The whole post is riddled with contradictions. It's ok, it's something my cheater ex did too (and what hit me real hard too-I could not believe he'd be so cold-hearted,but there we go).Psychologically, if you end it with the 2nd statement, that's the one that has power,so you know you did something wrong,but keep finding justifications so you don't feel bad about it.Like later on in the post you blame your actions on him!!" about how his intial actions hurt me, how I did what I did with another guy"???No,if he is an ass, you leave him. You don't go around cheating. He obviously has had his reasons to be insecure around you and OBVIOUSLY they were totally justified.Coz in the end no matter what "led" to what, YOU did end up betraying his trust (and your own conscience and self-respect)Your friend= not a friend at all, he has shown his true colours,so have you. But you have a chance to change the way you are. Do it. Don't get into an addictive pull-push cycle with this guy. Drop him and do some soul-searching.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): This guy needs to get his act together. Nothing you can do. He probably needs counseling. Doesn't sound mature either. Is that the person you want? Ask yourself why you would settle with someone so conflicted. Look to yourself for the answers :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): Your short relationship, if you want to call it that, is riddled with complications. Lying, cheating, and general discord.
The only way to improve your relationship is to end it. Go your separate ways. You were hardly together two months before he was seeing his ex, and you were cheating. Do you really think this could work? Are you sure he and his ex aren't still an item? You haven't really known each other that long, that's why it was so easy to cheat. It just isn't that solid to begin with. You bet things are awkward!
Some might call it "incompatibility." I'm not going to call you messed up. You're a bad match for each other.
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