A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was excluded quite rudly from a group of uni friends over 6 years ago. The ringleader suddenly decided her friends at home didn't like me, so when her friends came to visit she refused to mention the night to me - a couple days before the night I decided to go out, not realising an invite was warranted from my own friends, she knew I was coming and went along with it but when I called to arrange pre drinks and final plans she refused to answer my call. I ended up sitting in on my own - it was New Year's Eve 2009. Needless to say I didn't speak to her again or the rest of the group who were all with her. I only had 6 months left at uni and got by on my own. Now I keep having recurring dreams that I bump into two of them - it could be anywhere and most of the time they're really apologetic about everything and nice. The feeling is amazing. All I've ever wanted it an apology. A few of them are still the best of friends but I deleted them on FB 3 years ago as I didn't see the point in having them on there. I would never dream of getting in contact but want to stop these dreams. I do think of what happened often. Any advise? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2016): Sometimes you have to convince yourself to forgive and just move on. You may be feeling slightly vengeful, and needing to get even to feel you have closure and restitution. These sort of lingering feelings over such things date back to your childhood. Being excluded from some popular clique.
You have to be more mature about this. You took it far too personally; and you shouldn't feel you need validation or acceptance from people who had a herd mentality and none of them stood up for you. You've since gotten apologies from those two ladies who have progressed to be decent women; but the rest really don't matter at this point in your life.
You've allowed a hand full of people to hold your feelings hostage. They have moved on and really don't care anymore; while you're carrying around a seven year-old grudge that's eating away at your self-esteem, and keeping you frozen in time. You're far too mature and sophisticated to let a pack of "bitches" keep you stuck in your own hard feelings, over something so trifling and petty.
The dreams continue because you continue to stew over the incident. You're scorned, and sorry you couldn't find a way to get even, or to hurt them for hurting you. The power is in letting go. Forgive and forget. Take the high road.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 It is not worth your time or energy to let them know how they made you feel. At the end of the day if they where decent human beings they would feel guilt and shame for singling someone out the way the did to you. I can see why you would still think about this, you felt bullied and hurt. It was new years eve and you had to spend it alone, off course it is hurtful. That girl is a bully, she obviously had a problem with you and instead of being an adult she decided to act like a child and get everyone else involved.
Thinking back to that time, did you try and ring any of the other girls to see where they where meeting? Maybe if you had you would have been saved by these memories.
I think you need to let go of the past and remember they can no longer hurt you. Go out with friends and make new friends, live your life to the full, remember every moment you spend thinking of them is a waste of your time. We all face bullies in this world, sometimes we just need to let go of the past and face the future.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2016):
 You’re in the 30-35 age range, so this must have happened when you were 24 years old at the youngest, or 29 years at the oldest.
Yes, my advice is to write a letter conveying how disappointed, hurt and angry you were with the snub. Lay it all out, be as vivid and direct as you want to, say all the nasty things you’ve wanted to say.
Then put that letter in a drawer.
Let it sit for a week or two. Or even a month.
Then take it back out, re-read it, and then edit it.
Have a close friend read the new draft and make suggestions.
Put it back in the drawer.
Take it out in another week or so.
Re-read it. Decide if you want to convey your feelings to these women, if they are even worth your time.
If you think it’s worth your time, send the letter to them. Ask for an apology if that is what you really want.
Then, live your life.
If you are stuck in something that happened 6 years ago, you are in your 30s, you might consider talking with someone about it. A good counselor could help you let go of the resentment and anger. If you think about it often then I really think that you should put that counselor in the loop of reading the letter and offering suggestions before it is sent.
I think you’re inviting toxicity back into your life by going over this again and again in your thoughts. One great technique I learned was to watch myself having those thoughts. Become the witness to your own thoughts developing. Then you may come to realize that you aren’t the narrative, you are the one watching the story unfold.
I know that might sound odd and difficult to understand, but once you get it, you’ll be free of the nuisance of recurring worrying thoughts. It’s worth a try, no?
Hope this helps!
And remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness!
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