A
female
age
30-35,
*elples
writes:My boyfriend and I have been broke up but went back out. The first time we broke up, one of the reasons was another girl in the picture. He didn't cheat. They were becoming good friends as were getting worse. It annoyed me to the point I couldn't take it anymore. After we broke up, I ignored him for around three months. I was depressed. He is my first love. He talked to me and I felt I was ready to talk to him. -- Point is we got back together. He didn't talk to her at all. Not that I knew of. Maybe twice in person but that was it. I was with him 24/7. After high school ended, I thought "Finally! All the troubles will go away." But I found out today, that the girl got a phone and began to text people and what not. As soon as I heard that, I figured she would text my boyfriend. I wanted to see if he would tell me by asking "Have you done anything or are you doing anything that might make me upset?" I told him before I didn't like her. He kept avoiding the question like "There are many things that upset you." Blah blah. I finally came out and said it, "Are you talking to so and so?" He answered "Yes she texted me yesterday and I texted her today i didn't know who it was and when I did I decided to talk to her why does that matter you have friends." That was so upsetting to read, I began crying. This girl left a major impact on my life. There are things that I want to stay away from if they made my life worse. Isn't it natural? She's one of those things. I said, "Leave me alone." He ended up calling me immature. He later on said, "I'm never going to leave you alone. I love you and I always will and I love you not her your my angel but if you ignore me there is nothing I can do I love you. Good night." This made me upset because he could have called instead of saying "There's nothing I can do." I was hysterical, I calmed myself down before calling him where we ended up have this major long conversation. I told him I didn't like her, at first he was being annoying by sighing constantly and then answering a question with a question, usually the things he does when he is upset. But afterwards, he listened and agreed, I was right. He tried going against me a couple of times by bringing examples, "Are you going to ignore someone in the middle of no where if they sent you a message?" I replied with "Yes. If it makes you unhappy, yes. There is no point in pleasing someone who isn't special to me. The difference between us is I don't care how I look to others. It's how I look to you that matters. And if anything were to ever happen to us, I would be screwed but those are the choices I made." He said I was right again. He didn't say it in the tone to get it out the way. He usually doesn't agree with me unless he really thinks so. Either way, it's hurting my heart. He can say she's just a friend but it makes me really upset that she texts him. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to tell him to stop talking to her because we had a similar problem like this before and the only way he did was when we stopped talking for good, they did too. I dont want to take such a major step just on the chance that he'll stop talking to her like that especially now that I'm five hours away from him at college. Please any advice on what to do with this girl and him will be truly appreciated... Please.It hurts to know at any time of the day, he could be talking to her. It leaves me extremely uncomfortable, a feeling I know quite well that I’ve experienced before. That feeling is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. It brings my heart pain simply by thinking about it. Before, I told myself I could overcome it, but in reality, I wasn’t able to. It ended up breaking me from the inside. I called it off. I told myself, in order to be happy, I have to be away from him. As my depression cleared up, I wasn’t completely happy because in reality, I missed him. He was my best friend before he was my boyfriend. I was hoping we could work things out as friends but I didn’t want to be the one to make the first move. Luckily, I didn’t have to. It turned out he missed me more and didn’t want to lose me again.As time went by, he had turn over a new leaf. It was as if he was a different person. He didn’t settle on being just my friend. I told myself I wouldn’t fall for him because it might be an act, but I did anyways. He’s my first love. The only boyfriend I’ve had in high school. It wasn’t an act; he has still remained this change person till this day. The thing that bothers me is another girl has come up again. A girl who was one of the reasons we broke up to begin with. She and he were simply friends but they were becoming good friends as our relationship was getting worse. It felt I was being replaced as his best friend. I didn’t like the idea of another girl taking my spot especially when he and I weren’t doing too well as a couple. She is still in high school while my boyfriend and I just graduated. She recently purchased a phone and she texted him. I didn’t find out until I confronted him about it on the phone. I’m in college for summer at the moment, five hours away from home and from him. A friend who came to the summer college with me was the one who mentioned to me about her having a phone. I immediately assumed they were texting. I knew she would text him. She always came up to him first. When I called him later on, he didn’t see what the big deal was, that she was just a friend. [[It reminds me near the time we broke up, he had been talking to this other girl who liked him but claimed she was just his friend. They only texted, still it bothered me. They stopped talking after him and I broke up. I don’t know the reason considering I never asked.]] Later on the conversation, he understood why it upset me. He said I was right. He has said “If you need me to stop I will or to tell you everything I’ll start.” I do want him to stop, but not for me, simply because it isn’t right. I don’t go around texting other guys. He didn’t tell me about her because he didn’t think it was a priority to tell me. It isn’t but he rarely talks to girls and out of all the girls he is going to talk to, he has to talk to her? Through text? It upsets me gravely. I told him I needed time to think. After I hung up, he sent me a text “I’m getting better as we go and if you just hold on for a little longer, I’m going to get there.” The thing is, I don’t know if I can do this again. Its history repeating itself. There’s no proof that this girl likes him but my gut is telling me she is attracted to him. And I know, for a fact, I won’t be at ease knowing that I can’t say good night because he’s probably still talking to her. Another thing, it happened the first, and he didn’t learn considering he’s still doing it this time. It might not seem like a big deal, but it’s a HUGE deal considering this is one of the girls I called it off, I couldn’t stand the fact they were getting so close. I need help. I don’t even know how to start to “think about this.”MOD NOTE: Two posts from this person have been merged into one.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): I'm sorry you are feeling so distressed about this. Your upset feelings really come through in what you wrote.
However, I do agree with the anonymous poster. It is an unusual thing to request that your boyfriend has nothing to do with other girls. He can't exactly avoid contact with them. I understand that you don't want him to be in contact with this particular girl, but there isn't much you can do to stop him. He has a right to talk to whoever he likes.
I know you are worried she will take your place, but like you said, you have no reason to think that. You sound terribly insecure in your relationship. Do you not trust your boyfriend? Do you feel inadequate in some way?
I feel there are probably deeper issues at work here. The thing is, as the last poster warned, there is the risk that all of this might drive your boyfriend away. You are being very firm with him, setting boundaries, telling him what he should or shouldn't be doing. I understand you are doing this in order to feel more secure. But he might find it stifling, like he is trapped.
You said that you would stop talking to all other guys if it made your boyfriend happy. This in itself is a problem. It is fine to care about someone and want to make them happy, but at what cost? How far are you willing to go? You would sacrifice your male friends for him? That is not a healthy thing to do in a relationship. You are risking becoming entirely dependent on him.
It sounds like you have ideals and standards for your relationship, and your boyfriend is upsetting you by not living up to them, by not going by the "rules". But your viewpoint sounds a little extreme.
All of this seems to boil down to a fear of losing him. But you can't ban him from speaking to certain people. If you are unhappy with him being in contact with this girl, then unfortunately it is your issue to deal with, not your boyfriend's. You have no reason to think he could cheat on you with her. And really, you can't keep an eye on him 24/7. If he is going to cheat on you, he will, regardless of whether you stop him from texting this girl or not. If someone is going to cheat, they will. There isn't anything you can do to stop that.
I'm not saying that to worry you. I'm just trying to say that you can't safeguard some things. Anybody could cheat. You could cheat on him. You won't because you love him, and he should trust you, right? So why do you find yourself unable to trust him?
If possible, try to get involved with more things in your life. Try to take some of your priority off your boyfriend. It really isn't a good thing to make your partner the very reason for your happiness, the only reason for your being. You are making him responsible for your happiness. But that is a huge responsibility to give someone.
If he stops contacting this girl, and other's, you will be happy and secure. If he doesn't, you will be unhappy and in pieces. Try to realise that the only person who can make us happy is ourselves. It can only come from within. To rely on someone else for it is a disaster, because people are not perfect. Sooner or later, we all mess up and make a mistake. And when that happens, when that person slips up, you will be distraught again. If you depend on someone else's actions to make you happy, your emotions will be out of control, all over the place, up and down.
I really think it would be a good idea for you to work on building up your self-confidence and self-esteem. When you feel better about yourself, you will feel stronger. You will feel less dependent on your boyfriend, and on his actions. And when that happens, your relationship will have more room and freedom to grow and deepen even more.
I hope this has made sense, and that something helps. I'm not sure if I have said what you have wanted to hear, but I can honestly say that I have been in exactly the same position as you, and what I have told you is some of what I have learned from the experience.
Take care of yourself. x
A
female
reader, Helples +, writes (14 July 2009):
Helples is verified as being by the original poster of the question Maybe I explained it sort of wrong- I wrote it upset..It hurts to know at any time of the day, he could be talking to her. It leaves me extremely uncomfortable, a feeling I know quite well that I’ve experienced before. That feeling is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. It brings my heart pain simply by thinking about it. Before, I told myself I could overcome it, but in reality, I wasn’t able to. It ended up breaking me from the inside. I called it off. I told myself, in order to be happy, I have to be away from him. As my depression cleared up, I wasn’t completely happy because in reality, I missed him. He was my best friend before he was my boyfriend. I was hoping we could work things out as friends but I didn’t want to be the one to make the first move. Luckily, I didn’t have to. It turned out he missed me more and didn’t want to lose me again. As time went by, he had turn over a new leaf. It was as if he was a different person. He didn’t settle on being just my friend. I told myself I wouldn’t fall for him because it might be an act, but I did anyway. He’s my first love. The only boyfriend I’ve had in high school. It wasn’t an act; he has still remained this changed person till this day. The thing that bothers me is another girl has come up again. A girl who was one of the reasons we broke up to begin with. She and he were simply friends but they were becoming good friends as our relationship was getting worse. It felt I was being replaced as his best friend. I didn’t like the idea of another girl taking my spot especially when he and I weren’t doing too well as a couple. She is still in high school while my boyfriend and I just graduated. She recently purchased a phone and she texted him. I didn’t find out until I confronted him about it on the phone. I’m in college for summer at the moment, five hours away from home and from him. A friend who came to the summer college with me was the one who mentioned to me about her having a phone. I immediately assumed they were texting. I knew she would text him. She always came up to him first. When I called him later on, he didn’t see what the big deal was, that she was just a friend. [[It reminds me near the time we broke up, he had been talking to this other girl who liked him but claimed she was just his friend. They only texted, still it bothered me. They stopped talking after him and I broke up. I don’t know the reason considering I never asked.]] Later on the conversation, he understood why it upset me. He said I was right. He has said “If you need me to stop I will or to tell you everything I’ll start.” I do want him to stop, but not for me, simply because it isn’t right. I don’t go around texting other guys. He didn’t tell me about her because he didn’t think it was a priority to tell me. It isn’t but he rarely talks to girls and out of all the girls he is going to talk to, he has to talk to her? Through text? It upsets me gravely. I told him I needed time to think. After I hung up, he sent me a text “I’m getting better as we go and if you just hold on for a little longer, I’m going to get there.” The thing is, I don’t know if I can do this again. Its history repeating itself. There’s no proof that this girl likes him but my gut is telling me she is attracted to him. And I know, for a fact, I won’t be at ease knowing that I can’t say good night because he’s probably still talking to her. Another thing, it happened the first, and he didn’t learn considering he’s still doing it this time. It might not seem like a big deal, but it’s a HUGE deal considering this is one of the girls I called it off, I couldn’t stand the fact they were getting so close. I need help. I don’t even know how to start to “think about this.”
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): Honestly from the information provided I cannot see the basis for your extreme reaction to this situation. You really don't feel your boyfriend should have any female friends because you don't wish to have any male friends?I am a female happily in a relationship with an amazing guy, but that doesn't mean I would ever consider giving up a single one of my male friends nor would I would expect him to give up his female friends. The things my male friends provide are great company and humour, like any other friend might. And I assume he gets exactly the same thing from his female friends.I can see why you wouldn't want him getting closer to another female when you guys are having trouble - that is valid, but I think a lot of your other attitudes regarding the relationship are unhealthy.For example "I don't care how I look to others. It's how I look to you that matters. And if anything were to ever happen to us, I would be screwed but those are the choices I made."- Are you really seeking to alienate everyone both of you guys know for the sake of this relationship?If you want to lose him you're going about it the right way. Why would he want to stay in something where he has no freedom?
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