A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been dating a guy for a year now. He’s practically very committed - helps me out around my home, is great with my three year old (loves spending time with him), and talks openly about our future. In 30, have a great job and my own home and he is 37 with hardly any long term relationships - he was living with his friend before he met me.However, he works with his ex and lived with her. He told me on the first date that they descended into just friends but then also disclosed information that she didn’t want to sleep with him for 6 months in their relationship. He told me that he had to have therapy because he had a low self worth - he found himself doing things for his best friend and her after they broke up when he didn’t want too. He now has the worth to tell her no. He told me the reason they broke up was mutual and because he couldn’t connect on a deeper level emotionally. He’s had therapy since. He then told me he’d ended 90% of his previous relationships About a month in, we went to a local supermarket and her car was parked outside. He told me and he didn’t want to go in to “avoid confrontation”. He told me he wasn’t sure whether she was an over it as him (they’d been apart for a year at the point we met and had since other people in between)I told him I found that odd since it doesn’t matter - as much as I wouldn’t love it. A month after that he thought he saw her car again and commented that it was “bad timing” and that her parents lived in the area. He told me one evening that he has no I interest in her and has even shown her pics of us and said we look good.Aside from that he doesn’t really talk about her. I raised all of this with him and his response was that he didn’t like awkward confrontation. He told me that it’s not like he has feeling for her but he cares about what other people think, not just her. He’s a very emotionally flat guy who doesn’t like disagreement - he gets anxious and I’ve seen that in our relationship as he is the opposite toMe - I’m confrontational . She messages him and I asked why since they’re not supposed let mates and he went to read the message out - I stopped him because I don’t want to know the content as it’s not my place but it was a general work message. My question is, why would he show her pics if she wasn’t over him? I raised this with him and he said he just guessed she wasn’t because of her reaction sometimes when he mentions me and they’re all sat around at work. He then told me, during an argument, that she ended it with him so why did he lie? He back tracked and said they broke it off soMany times during that year relationship that it’s a bit unclear. He’s also made other comments which contradict what he originally told me - I think he forgets. On holiday he asked “wouldn’t it be horrible to fancy your missus and them not want to have sex with you” in relation to his best friend. He spoke as though what he told me about his ex never happened.There are other things which make me insecure about this person. At the beginning he was complimentary and I was “the one”. Now he struggles to say it and says “it’s just a label for a set of emotions - how you describe how you feel for me is how I feel for you” he also spends a lot of time complimenting himself saying he is gorgeous. I’ve even commented that I’m feeling insecure and he “jokes” -“is it because of how good I look”. I asked him if he was embarrassed of how I looked hence why we can’t “run into his ex” and he said “yes”. Again, in a jokey way but I’m not sure. It’s like he’s trying toMake me feel insecure?He does call me beautiful. It’s just never when I expect it like when I get dressed up or feel down. It’s like he withholds it at key times
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at work, best friend, broke up, his ex, insecure, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2019): Thanks so much everyone. He works with he so I’m not sure why he’s afraid of running into
Him. They’ve also been apart 1.5 years so why would there be any confrontation? This is what I don’t understand. I actually bumped into my ex the other week on a date. I told my current partner and he said “why would you go on a date with someone knowing you’re always walking past there”. My response was that I wasn’t bothered, I just waved and carried on walking. I have a little boy with my ex so my current partner would at some point have to meet him. What’s awkward about this? It’s just life.
I know everyone is different but I just don’t understand it. I just don’t understand how many times it’s happened now and the rationale for wanting to avoid her
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2019): You ask why he would lie OP. The answer is simple. He is a liar! Liars forget what lie they told to who. Their bad behavior makes them paranoid and they confuse themselves, trying to keep their made up stories straight. Therapy is no excuse to lie. You should send this man packing, romantically. He is bad news for you and your child. Your 3yr old is way more important than whether your partner might have a set back! You do not deserve the criticism that you have received from some other posters. There is no sin or crime in wanting the whole truth from a potential mate, especially when your child and yourself want and need a stable home life. If his ex saw you and he together, in a pic, an she said that you look nice, why on earth would seeing her in the grocery store, just in passing, lead to an awkward confrontation? This man is a liar and he is not stable enough to be the male role model, in your childs life! You deserve better, for your little ones sake! Blessings To You!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2019): May I address his worries and woes about seeing her car, and such and such?
They've had some apparent run-ins, and she may sometimes trigger his anxiety. He may be afraid that she wants to create a scene, as some exes will do; when they see you with a new love-interest. Especially, when they know you're in therapy; and they can prick at your vulnerabilities.
He is also on high-alert about your insecurity. He's becoming a little paranoid in the middle; but that's the reason he needs therapy. My guess is that she is somewhat aggressive and unpredictable. She delights in spooking him.
I urge you to be sure you're ready for this. It would be better not to keep him struggling; if you're not in it for the long-haul!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2019): As I see it, you're the one looking for reasons to sabotage the relationship. It has held-up for a year, but you keep pressing-on about who broke-up with whom, and how he feels about her?
If they have a well-known and evident work-relationship, he has offered to read her messages aloud...what's the problem? You could have opted-out of a committed-relationship at the very beginning; when you first determined he works with his "ex."
Now you're having second-thoughts and consternation a year into it??? Seriously?!!
There is a point you've got to be a big-girl...slash that...a grown-up woman! Teenage-jealousy and wanton insecurities that can never be extinguished; is a sign of a person afraid of letting anyone get too close. You're carrying a little bit of leftover baggage that isn't disclosed about YOUR past; and it just showed-up and reared it's ugly-head in your new-relationship.
It was pride, if anything, that made him withhold telling you she may have ditched him. There is a point in adult-relationships that people have no need to keep catering to insecurities that never seem to cease.
Either you trust him, or you don't! If you don't, you're wasting his time! It would seem he's teetering on getting dumped, or dragged over the coals; because you can't contain your jealousy over their past. Let's not overlook the possibility you're scared of letting someone get too close.
There are risks, and no guarantees in love. He's taking a bigger risk than you are. He's the one in therapy! Yet, he's taking the risk for the sake of love!
Reading your post, I got several clues you're scared of trusting someone; and allowing someone to really care for you. You have to find something wrong; so you can have a predictable-ending. You just know something is going to go wrong sooner or later! He must still love her; so let suspicion and insecurity expedite a predictable-outcome. Albeit the ending might be due to self-fulfilling prophesy, or self-sabotage!
The poor guy is going through therapy to get himself straightened-out. He seems to be quite transparent, and what you think is very important to him.
I foresee you undoing years of therapy. How much does he have to reassure you before you trust him? Not before you create a setback in his progress, that is!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 July 2019):
 OP I see a few things here.
One, I think you read MORE into little things that has no meaning. As in, her texting him about work. They work together so that is going to happen. He isn't hiding it and was completely transparent wanting to show you what was said.
You also throw out a statement like :" if he was embarrassed of how I looked hence why we can’t “run into his ex” YOU are the one putting yourself down. Now he isn't HELPING the situation with his "attempt" to be "funny" with his "yes".
DON'T think he can read your mind or that there are "hidden" meaning is what he says and does.
Two, he is not very emotionally mature. He doesn't want to run into her WITH you. Why that is? I don't know. Maybe she is also (like yourself) a confrontational person or... he has NEVER told her about you.
You need to STOP needing him for approval of you. LOVE you, if you feel good and feel you look good then ENJOY that. If he CHOOSES to not compliment you, THAT is on him. It might be because HE has low self-esteem he doesn't BOOST others either. A sort of: "IF I don't feel good about myself I'm NOT going to make others feel good either". Again, emotional immaturity.
My advice is this. CONSIDER good and long if this is working for you (the relationship) - a PARTNER is "supposed" to bring the best out in you and you in them. To make the other person feel CARED for, LOVED, RESPECTED and ENGAGED on different levels. It goes both ways. ARE you fulfilled by this relationship or do you feel like there has come a NEGATIVE change into your life?
As for the dealing with the ex. I get why you feel he is behaving weird. Because it IS weird that he walks on eggshells around her. But he is also a non-confrontational person, as you say so perhaps not so strange after all. He wants to keep his job, he wants to keep a civil work-relationship with her and my guess is... HE hurt her when there were dating and thus do not want to repeat that.
It's good that he is in therapy but I wouldn't expect any major changes in him or his behavior. THIS is who he is. Is he the one for you?
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