A
male
age
51-59,
*oaming Gnome
writes:Hi there,Here's the situation. In the past I met woman often times while travelling and things moved quickly. When one is travelling and connects with someone, everything in a sense has to move forward at warp factor 5. Using that as a point of departure a relationship cycle grew and grew. The women I chose (often times younger, minus a couple "cougars), were quick into bed hi-flying personalities that were (like myself) cloaking issues that we all need to work on and mature out of. I call it a "dopamine addiction."I just wanted you to have a bit of a back story and a good foundation to help you understand my present predicament which is as follows:Just about a year ago, a single, highly successful, professional woman moved to my very rural neighborhood. She left all the money and trappings of the city behind and is adjusting to her new life here.We have gotten to know each other little by little, bit by bit, via: walks, talks, movies, and dinners.I am very sensitive in regards to other peoples personal space and being that she was going through such a life transition on top of seeming very guarded in many ways, I have just let things take there course.This has been such an amazing lesson for me as things slowly move ahead although, totally, undefined. I am hyper vigilant of her being a neighbor and I would never want her to feel uncomfortable around me especially seeing that my morning jogs or walks bring me past her house.I have grown to have feelings for her, but it is so hard to figure out where if anywhere we're at.We literally talk about pretty much everything and she challenges my way of thinking as I her on so many issues. However, I have subtley tried to broach the subject of views on love, relationships and all things related and she's like a vault.She certianly has her priorities which are many as she creates a new business here, deals with her aging and ill parents and the overall transition. I've ruled out that she's a lesbian, unless she lied which does not seem her character at all. She talks nothing her past relating to relationships. She seems at times just so feministically and fervently independent that I have a sense she is A-Sexual. She can seem cool,rigid, and otherwise pre-occupied at times which generally follows some time together. It's not like we see each other all the time, generally maybe once a week.She has a twin sister who I have gotten to know a little bit who is a bit more expressive and open on the issue of love seeing she just met someone. She had emailed me catching up and on two occasions asking me if I'm dating. I didn't know where she was comimg from wheather it was feeling me out for her sister, for her own curiosity because me and her sister do hang out in what most people would call "dating" scenarios, or to feel out that perhaps I'm seeing things as more than they are, hence the reason why I haven't been able to address the question. If I say "I'm dating your sister", that seems way too premature because nothing physical has happened and no talk of anything outside our normal hanging out talks in relation to "us" has been broached. The next scenario is that I say I'm dating someone and she takes it as someone other than her sister which I think it should be pretty obvious that I'm not and her sister hasn't even asked. Sorry about the rambling, long story short, I like her whether as a friend or potential lover, but this is just getting way too frustrating and either way, I'll be able to best prioritize the course of our friendship or potential romantic relationship respectively.I don't want her to be uncomfortable in any way but I am sooooooooo uncomfortable at this point with the unknown factor between us. Instead of running through the multiple scenarios of a reply to her sisters query, I decided to to be a bit more elevated with my wanting to spend more time with her communicating and spending time together and it seems as though a wall just went up.Anyway, I could go on and on because my mind is just racing and it's been good for me to flesh this out via: this forum.I would appreciate any male or female point of view here.Cheers.First of all "dating" and "seeing" someone has always seemed interchangable on what they entail depending on who you talk to. Anyone care to define and explain their respecitve roles?????I always thought of dating as something
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): If you haven't done so yet, you might want to try giving her compliments. As long as they're sincere, they sure don't hurt, and most women love getting them. I know I'm a sucker for a good compliment-- ! :)Otherwise, I would agree with what's been said here-- have a talk with her about how you feel, see where she's at, and if you're not comfortable with talking, try writing her a letter. Pretend like you have nothing to lose. If she doesn't feel the chemistry, then you won't waste time wondering how she feels. If she's just shy and harbors the same feelings for you, then you've scored. Just don't *assume* she's a lesbian! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Very interesting situation, but not uncommon, so I think things will become clearer as you extend your talks to more personal issues (the romantic context). You mentioned that she just moved in from the city and is highly successful, so I presume she is a well-educated mature woman. Unless she is a recluse, and judging by how forthcoming she has been with you she most likely isn't, she has a love history of her own that may have gone awry which renders her unwilling to open up about. Now, this is a rather big assumption- she may just be a private person that prefers migrating from general to specific topics until she has a better grasp of the people she associates with.
I understand your fear to put unwelcome pressure on someone's who is already trying to adjust to a new life, but women appreciate a man who speaks softly and succinctly about the way you feel. The key is to pick the right moment and when a woman is romantically drawn to someone there is an observed vulnerability in her voice, eyes, and body language. Since she is so controlled and self-assured those signals will be clearer with her- so watch out. Probably during this time she will mention her past love history which may indicate that she is getting her catharsis- purging out the past to make room for the new. Anyway hope this gives you some insight from a woman's perspective.
Good luck to you both!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Well first off, well written question.Im going to keep it brief which in a nut shell is what i think you should do.I think you should tell this woman that you enjoy spending time with her. You value her company and her friendship. You appreciate that she may be going through a difficult period but that you do find yourself attracted to her as more than just a friend. If that is notwhat she wishes then you wont press the matter but that you felt that she should know.If she runs which I dont think she will then you know where you stand. If she wants to be friends then equally fine, sure youll be a bit upset but youll get over it.If she says she feels the same then happy days.In any case it is time to get off the fence.If you feel you cant say the above then write it to to her.I hope this helps , let us know how you go.
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