A
female
age
41-50,
*irefairyfly
writes:Though my best friends are guys, any other guy in my life has been . I mention these early things because though I take ownership of my bad decisions, things that happened had a profound effect on who I am now. I am sorry it’s so long but it was like a leak-I couldn’t stop it once it started.It started with my dad. When his dad died he never got over it and he started getting abusive. He’d go from being happy to angry in seconds, though he was always “up” around his friends and at work. He’d call me stupid and fat and said he wished I’d never been born because he wanted a boy and they had me instead and it was such an awful disappointment. My mom turned a blind eye and my sister was scared of him so I was alone in standing up to him and got the worst of it. As I got older he’d say that I’d better try and look good because that’s the only way I’d get a guy but since I’m impossible to love they’d still end up leaving anyway. My friends didn’t know the situation, and the ones who had a taste of it stopped being my friends. He said I’d end up rotting in the ground one day, too, on the way home from a classmate’s funeral, with my friend in the car. Needless to say I had no friends. Years later he was rushed to the hospital and when I got there he loudly told my sister that I’d ruined his marriage and that he’d disowned me and only had one daughter now. Years after that he had heart failure and allowed me and my mom to take care of him since he wanted to die at home. After a few weeks he’d at least say hi and later we’d have brief conversations. He died 6 months later. I went through a series of bad relationships: one guy threatened suicide if I left him, another said that as a Christian ( and though I’m Christian, too) he couldn’t keep dating me because I was leading him down a “dark and evil path.” And they all cheated and left me for someone better. Then about 5 yrs. ago I met “P”-he was older, smart, handsome and funny and after getting to know each other we began dating. He was great until a few months in. He became abusive-he threw a plate at me when I made him lunch for him because he wanted to make it himself; pushed me; slammed me against walls; pushed a dresser over onto me, tried to drive us into a bridge embankment only to be cut off my anther vehicle which forced him to slow down. He raped me repeatedly. Sometimes when I’d get upset afterward he’d leave to “find a real woman who isn’t a cold b***h” and would say “I’m a real man, not a c**t like you. I have needs.” I even ended up in the hospital because he forced sex when I had an infection. Sex made it worse and it spread to my kidneys. I had no friends and wasn’t supposed to see my family because they were “out to get him.” He said he’d hurt my family if I didn’t do what he said or told anyone. Finally, after 1.5 years he left me. Months later I got a call from “P’s” family who I’d never talked to/met and that he was estranged from. “P” had just shown up at their house and kept saying I was mad at him because they’d told me he raped a girl, that people stole his money and were trying to hurt him, and kept insisting he had brain damage because he’d slept at a funny angle and his brain didn’t get enough oxygen. They hadn’t spoken to him in years but felt something was wrong. They got my # from his phone and called to see what I knew about his behavior and raping a girl. To sum things up, he was acting crazy and they wanted him 51-50’d (admitted to a psych ward against his will). He was staying with them in the meantime until he threatened his sister-in-law who was so scared that she hid in a closet with a gun and called the police because he wouldn’t leave. I explained he’d been bad for a long time but these behaviors were new. Then they gave me his true back-story including that he’d raped his step-niece when she was 16 and he was 32 (it turns out she was the girl he kept telling his family I was mad at him for raping), that he used to do and sell cocaine, stole money from a benefit for his ill friend. For months they tried everything but the hospital wouldn’t commit him because he’d act fine when he was there. It was only when he was back home that things were bad again. After all that I was in a bad place and felt worthless, dirty, damaged, used. After four yrs. I finally felt ok to date again and joined eHarmony and met “M.” He was 33 (I’m 29) and we instantly connected. He wasn’t perfect but he was the nice guy I’d always wanted and needed. We had very similar views on big issues (family, love, career, morals/values). He’s Armenian and had moved here for college. His dad had died unexpectedly the year before so his mom and brother moved in with him since they had no source of income. He was in grad school and because we were both so busy and lived many hours apart we invested time e-mailing, texting and talking on the phone. He was an amazing person: caring, thoughtful, ambitious, sensitive, interesting. I asked if me being white would be an issue since Armenians tend to want “pure” bloodlines. He said it wasn’t an issue because his family isn’t prejudiced. Later, I met his family and wanted badly for them to like me since he’s close with them and they live together. I thought they didn’t like me, but he assured me they did. He brought up the future: living together and marriage. I said I was looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage within the next few years. He said he wanted that, too, and that his life needed to be more than just work. He told me he did want to marry me when his career was more established, as he has fierce competition for jobs because he’s in the same field many other immigrant students are. If he had to move much farther away he suggested that we move in together because it seemed like a logical next step. I knew I had to tell him about my sex issues after all the damage “P” had done. He was caring and understanding and sex wasn’t his first priority. He’d had one relationship/sexual partner before me because his family lived in Egypt during normal dating years and Christian and Muslims can’t date each other. When sex did enter the picture, I had flashbacks and got really mad at him for getting off on something that was so painful for me. I was sometimes awful to deal with because I didn’t know how to have a normal relationship. I was afraid he’d leave, that he only wanted me for sex, etc. He was supportive but said it was draining on him and I needed to trust him. I didn’t want that, so I went through the painful process of working through that pain, trust him and not blame him other’s behaviors. All was ok until his b-day. Since his family doesn’t do much for b-days, I told him I’d be there on Sun. and was planning some surprises and mentioned it during some other calls. Then days before his b-day he mentioned his mom wanted to go to a church festival on Sunday. I waited for him to mention our plans but he said nothing. After a few days, I asked about the festival and he said they were going. I told him I was ticked off and hurt that he’d entirely forgotten I’d planned a special day for his b-day. He then asked why I was mad because he meant that his mom wanted to go but he wouldn’t if I was coming over there so no, they weren’t going. That ticked me off even more because I’d just asked him 2 min. before and he’d said they were going. We got into a fight and it dragged on for a couple weeks because he refused to apologize and said he did nothing wrong and if I thought he did it was my problem. I never called him names, got sarcastic, passive-aggressive or made personal attacks against him. I did said that I loved him but putting this on me was sh**y behavior.” He then said I was a bad person and would never be with someone who thought such things of him and was mad at me because of it. I mentioned I was concerned about his personal attacks, defensiveness and being so stubborn that facts are ignored and how that would bode in the future. He said he was just hurt and because he cares more the hurt is worse and that’s not the way he normally deals with things. There were also some issues with his mom. She was completely dependent on him: any time she wanted to do something or go somewhere he had to take her because she can’t drive, has to stay and translate for her because she doesn’t speak English and has to pay for it because he’s the only one who works (his brother’s in school). When we first met in-person she called him and I thought she was making sure he was ok since it was online dating. However, every time we got together she called 5-6 x’s. She’d call to tell him about something on the news, when our movie was over to see how it was, and when we were at the mall because she wanted to know what we were doing. She’d also call and have him get groceries. As we saw each other one day every 4-6 wks., having him run errands when we were out seemed a little thoughtless. But I thought maybe it was a cultural difference, so I didn’t bring it up. But then there were issues when he’d visit me. She’d call 5-6 x’s and had a timeline. One visit was particularly heavy because we were talking through the whole rape/sex issue. I asked him when he needed to leave and he said 5 p.m. I asked him why he needed to leave so soon, as he’d arrived only a few hours before. He said that his mom wanted him back so he could pick up milk and bread. I was dumbfounded and asked why she hadn’t had him do it the day before and he said he didn’t know. I still thought she disliked me, but “M” insisted that he was softening her up, and that it took time to win her over because she’s very stubborn. In June, he started a summer internship. He was really stressed and worked 14-16 hrs. a day, wasn’t sleeping well, and had no time, and put in the same hours on the weekends so he’d finish his papers so he can graduate this year. Though we still talked nightly the conversations were pretty short, and he was so focused on his work that he was distracted and sometimes I felt like a pest to him. I sent him little care packages and texts and tried to be very understanding because he needed my support and had warned me how busy he thought he’d be. As the summer wore on, he started acting funny. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn’t love me anymore and needed to focus on school. This came out of nowhere and after talking things through I found that his mom had been harping on how he has to do well, and get a good job since they’re all dependent on him. She also intimated that I was a distraction from his work. I was stunned. I had canceled plans before, so he could make submission deadlines for conferences and journals work, let him have as much time as he needed to work on things, didn’t complain when I wasn’t his #1 priority because he had to graduate this year and never complained about his work schedule or the occasional 1 minute phone call even when I felt insecure. I kept stressful parts of my life to myself because he had enough to worry about, and didn’t complain about. He then apologized and said he didn’t mean it; he was just tired and stressed. Then he said he loved me and was lucky that I was so understanding.I was sure his family hated me but he kept saying they didn’t. During one call he mentioned going to the beach with them and that he wanted me to go but that I’d have to go on a different day. I was puzzled as to why and he admitted they did hate me and thought I was a bad person. I asked why that had this impression and he said it was because we got into an argument on the phone and his mom said if it were the right person we wouldn’t argue, and that he didn’t feel he could bring me around them and that I wasn’t allowed in their home. I then asked what he’d said to defend me and he say he didn’t because they’d made up their minds already. This led to another argument, as I was aghast. He started getting nasty, just daily coming up with little put-downs and thinking the worst of me. We got through that and were good until August. He was so stressed and felt so pressured about graduating on time and do the best he could. He mentioned that a few hours earlier his friend had asked him to go camping for the long weekend and he would be out of touch for a few days. I nicely asked how it was that when we made plans 6 weeks in advance you couldn’t stay more than a day, and that we’d been together a year and he’s never spent a weekend with me because he always had to get home to his mom, yet his friends call a few hours in advance and his mom is fine with him being gone for 4 days. He apologized and said he thought of it like that. I brought up his being distant and acting cold lately. That conversation boiled down to this: he didn’t love me never had and never will; we aren’t compatible (as he weights 1 thing different as being equal to 99 the same); that he was planning on just up and moving when he got a job, never planned on telling me, and figured if I didn’t hear from him after awhile I’d get the idea and that he definitely was going to want to live with me and didn’t even want me in the same city. He said he thought of me as a temporary girlfriend and he’d get a good Armenian girl when he graduated and since she’s Armenian she’d be better than me and would understand him much better. I asked him about wanting marriage and living together since he’d brought both up on so many occasions. He said that he was “only kidding” about marrying me and thought I knew he was joking, and also said that he’d said it because he thought it’s what I wanted to hear and should have thought it through before telling me over and over. He acted like he couldn’t fathom why I was hurt and furious, then got mad at me because I was upset with him. He then said I’m not marrying kind of girl and in the future I’d do something horrible and he’d never talk to me again. He also said he just didn’t want to hurt me, then said he might change his mind, that we could still have sex as long as I knew we weren’t together, that he’d stay with me until I found someone else and that if I was really that upset he stay with me through the school year but not to think for a minute that I’d still be with him after that. After a few weeks of silence, I went there for one last try. His mom found out he was talking to me and so we had to go to the grocery store to pick up some things or else he couldn’t talk. So after all these things, I got about 20 minutes of talking. He then went back and said he was going to talk to his mom. I thought he was explaining the situation and I’d be going in soon. Instead I waited, feeling sick to my stomach in my car. For months he’d said he was talking to them about me and repairing their bad image of me. Instead, I found out later he went in to eat dinner and waited until his mom was asleep then sneaked out to see me. I was in shock and felt numb and didn’t know what to say. We then went to a motel because we had seen each other or been together in a while and both thought that was contributing to the distance we felt. We had sex and I caressed and asked him if he felt better and that I loved him. He got up and started dressing and said he didn’t love me and to him that the only thing I was good for was sex and that’s all he was interested in with me. I was appalled. He knew all my huge issues with sex because of being raped, and that I was afraid no one would every truly love me, they’d just used me for sex. He knew I’d been used as basically just a hole and had issues thinking anyone would want me at all, let alone after that. He said he didn’t know about that but that was the only thing he wanted from me. He then mentioned all these tests (??) he’d put me through that showed him who I really was and made it clear he couldn’t be with me. He then said even if he did still love me I would never know because he won’t tell me because he’s made up his mind. I fell stupid, used, betrayed, heartbroken, devastated. I’d never wanted marriage before, but I saw us being together in the future and wanted that with him because of who he was. “P” thought I was worthless except for sex, and “M” who said he wanted to marry me came to the same conclusion. I feel like I was just a “white girl phase” and that he’ll find an Armenian girl that has my happiness, the kind I deserved to finally have after all I’d gone through. In my 29 yrs. I’ve only truly been in love once, and that was with “M.” It took me 29 years to find that once only to be used, and I don’t know that I’ll ever find it again. I don’t trust people at all. and it’s like these “nice guys” seek me out because they sense I’m damaged and think I’ll put up with anything they do, no matter how cruel or violent. They see me as a challenge, as something to wear down and break. Guys just want sex and I’ve never had sex outside an exclusive relationship, and it’s such a sensitive thing to me that when things would get to the point I had to explain them I never heard from them again. I was used and damaged and they wanted something sexy, young and fun, who will let them do anything to them, no matter how degrading because every young girl wants to be a porn star nowadays. I’m just a bed warmer to them, something to play with until someone better comes along and there’s always someone better. I’m no one’s final choice. This destruction coupled with business things, money issues, my sister in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic (sound familiar?), my mom having two cancer scares, a dying pet, etc. have broken me. The thought of being with other guys literally makes me nauseous. Money is so tight right now so therapy isn’t an option. So what was this all about anyway? Why? and what was the point?
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alcoholic, ambition, at work, best friend, christian, heartbroken, insecure, money, moved in, muslim, porn, text, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): I just have to say that you've been really, really unlucky. I'm sorry for your experiences with guys.
It's true that men are often attracted to women for the physical side of a relationship, but I don't think most men are like P and M.
I was particularly shocked by M's behaviour. The way he lead you on like that was disgusting, perhaps even worse than P's outright abuse.
I really don't know what to recommend, other than you simply try again with someone new when you feel ready (which I know isn't much use, sorry).
Try to just become good friends with several men, nothing more, and see if you find one that is consistently friendly and charming even without the hint of a physical relationship.
Many guys can act nice insincerely, but people like that generally only do so if they can see themselves getting something out of it.
If a guy thinks of you as a friend then he will usually show his most sincere, honest feelings to you.
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