A
male
age
36-40,
*rancedRhythmEar
writes:Please consider if someone has the personality, but their looks aren't all the way to what you'd like and you're considering them for a serious relationship, possibly marriage. What are the positives and negatives of not having a big physical attraction to the person, when pursuing that person in the circumstances above? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): I just ended a relationship that was in this very predicament. The man I MET had almost every possible quality I ever wanted in a man. He was, however, more of the nerdy type and while I enjoyed his company and personality very much, the attraction wasn't there. I wanted to try the "fall so in love with his personality that looks wont matter" approach and it just didn't work. That doesn't make any of us shallow. It means one simple thing: chemistry wasn't there and it has to be there to go any further. That's as simple as it gets. I read online that some people were able to push through this phase and eventually did fall in love, thus making them attracted to the other person. However, that didn't happen for me in the two months we dated. We are all different, so you have to do what you feel is best for yourself. Your instincts will NEVER fail you so if you don't feel it now, chances are, you wont ever.
A
female
reader, when nothing goes right go left  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 Personality definitely beats looks but it i allso. Good to fancy them but the most important thing is your connection with them and if you can have good sex with them because of your connection then go for it. But if you really don't feel anything in that kind of way for then its better to
not continue it because it is likely that one or both of you will end upp getting hurt.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 if the only issue is that she's a bit thin for your taste but everything else works... i can assure you that most women gain weight as they age and with pregnancy child birth and nursing.... weight is a very fluid thing for many of us.
if you decide to try to stay and see if your attraction grows you need to be as honest with her as you can about it.... no sense in giving her a false hope that all is perfect and rosy when really you are just trying it on for size
To be honest I think that for many folks (men included) as we learn to love the insides of a person , the outside becomes less and less important..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): i dont think for guys attraction grows with time,its the opposite.If you are not attracted now,its not going to come later.It will get worse
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
When you say “their looks aren’t all the way to what you’d like” what do you mean?
My husband likes dark straight hair. I had curly red hair when we started dating… He survived. He’s not happy with my current hair style but he lives with it… does not change how he feels about ME….
Or are you saying that you like slender women and she’s chunky….
IF you are not sexually attracted to someone (i.e. do you want to kiss them and cuddle them and hold their hand kind of stuff) then I think it’s not a good idea to pretend you feel that.
When there were arranged marriages you had no choice.. you married who your parents wanted you to marry… (I still see this in the ultra-religious communities sometimes where the boy is introduced to the girl, if they find each other pleasant and the parents approve then a match is struck… they may have as few as 3 dates or as many as 3 months worth… but there will be no sexual contact at all (maybe they will hold hands once or twice but even that is scandalous within the religious community)
So these kids would marry in their late teens early 20s… they knew they could converse… they knew it was expected to be for life… and usually it is… and as the song says “but our father and our mother said we’d learn to love each other” and many times that happens.
I think now in modern society we have “throw away” marriages. We have “starter” marriages we have “practice” marriages. I know I find it very interesting that my first husband who I married at 21 and left at age 29 is actually in many ways like my current husband… I often wonder if it had been a different time and place if I would have ended up staying married to him…..
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (12 February 2013):
TrancedRhythmEar is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank u all n yes just started dating her. Shes underweight n diagnosed as underweight. But shes healthy. I like thin women shes just a lil more. Maybe with time attraction can grow more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 February 2013):
 I would have to ask what it IS specifically that you aren't happy with their look about.
For me, there HAS to be physical attraction, but I have never expected perfection. I'd rather date/marry a GOOD man then a guy who just "looks" good. With that said though, if this is a new relationship and you are already nit-picking how she looks, I don't think you are really ALL that keen.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 February 2013):
One of the few things that separate a romantic relationship from a very good friendship is sexual attraction. Further, if you are not getting it from your spouse, then you will have huge temptation to get it from somewhere else.Marriage is one of the few things in life I really dont think there is much room to settle on. That decision will make more a difference in your long term happiness than any other. If you are going to get married, please be sure all of your "must haves" are filled prior.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 February 2013):
How long have you been dating? Attraction usually grows with time. I'd say a negative would be the temptation you might feel to be with someone attractive... for instance if you worked with an attractive person who started flirting with you.
If you're not the cheating type then it shouldn't be an issue.
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