A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So im kind of stuck in a pickle. what do you do when you dont want to hurt someones feelings, break them by telling them the truth ? That after 4 years of dating you went away alone for acouple months and in just 3 months felt happier with someone else than you ever did with him ? Should i be honest and tell him that ? Please help idk what to do . I want to leave to be with the someone else but the only way he will let me is if im honest and tell the truth.... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 December 2012):
 That follow up was unnecessary. It was way too long, I didn't read it and it doesn't change my answer. The bottom line remains the same. once one person says it's over, it's over. Birthday or no birthday. Period.
There is no way not to hurt or annoy him, so the best way to do this is decisively. Even if you stayed with him through his birthday, you've already given him the heads up that it's over. Don't you think it would be a tad awkward for everyone involved to pretend for a day or so? Is he really going to have a great birthday seeing your face, knowing you're gone the next day or day after? What is the point in that?
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 December 2012):
Even though your bf treated you badly you should have not cheated nor should you lie to the other guy that is waiting. Your actions thus far seem to stem from emotions and it has caused you to lie to your bf, the other guy and most importantly, your self.
The kid days are over, it isn't much of a candy store now. It's the real world and you just have to make a decision and try to stick to it, accept the fact that you may lose one or the other. I think it is too late for the non-bitchy route but you should be honest in a calm manner when you speak to him. He's knows you've lied about some things so it is no use to keep hidden about it. Well you kept saying "he" and "him" so I may have lost track somewhere. Take some time off for yourself and gather your thoughts. Try to make his birthday enjoyable or tell him you will give him an answer after his birthday. By then you should know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so i may have done an awful way of explaining my situation. I will share my whole story.I met my boyfriend 5 years ago in summer school. He had a girlfriend at the time and I just wanted to get school over with, I was always the girl who minded her own business but was really funny and down to earth. Most of my friends have been guys. I had also never had a boyfriend before or sex . Growing up in the family that i grew up in it was very hard for me to believe in love or any emotional attachment to anyone. Not that i didnt want it but i just didnt feel worthy of it. So it was all very new but it was the greatest thing ever. He was amazing,smart,cute,funny, a lyricist so certaintly had a way with words. Our first hang out we just talked for hours at the beach and drank a beer and just chilled , he attempted to kiss me but i stepped away and said no you have a girlfriend. We talked about his gf at the time and he was on the verge of breaking it off with her he just didn't want to hurt her feelings so he needed that push and i was the push. He broke up with her and we started dating, It all happened so quickly, i pretty much ended up sneaking in to his house all the time staying over, we were inseparable but I mostly think it is because i made it that way. He liked his space and i crowded it overjoyed by all the feelings i had never felt before. I was like a kid at a candy store,wanting more and more of everything. So i dont blame him for the way he acted because i know im a handful as well but as we continued to date he already being an angry person he just started name calling me. When we would argue he would call me a retard, an idiot, a piece of shit and i let it all slide for years because i thought he was the one for me. I never wanted to be the generic couple who breaks up and goes around sleeping with other men . As foolish as it sounds i wanted to be with just him for the rest of my life . .. Or so i thoughtI got an internship in school a 9 month program and in that program i was away from everything and everyone. There were days when i felt completely alone but for the most part i felt free, alive. I met this guy there during the last 3 months of my internship and everything i thought changed. I felt like i met my long lost best friend, it was just so easy to be myself and not worry about being patronized for it or have to explain myself. It was the best feeling ever . I still had not done anything with him, we would jst talk for like 4 hours or more on the phone and when we would chill we would just talk and laugh and laugh. One day things got a little heavy and well it happend and i cried during . I told him get of get off cuz i had realized in that moment that i had moved on i just didnt know it till then. But it was beautiful, all of it. I can never explain everything that happend or how it happend or how i felt but I know it was the best feeling of my life being with him made me so happy and being away from everyone . the idea of starting fresh just exited me.So the program ended and i was taken from him, he was taken from me. I had to come back, but I came back with the idea of leaving him . So i did but it was the most painful thing ever, i couldnt bare him crying there telling me hell do anything and that he was sorry and that it was inevitable that he knew he was going to loose me because of his anger issues but i was his everything. The only thing good in his life, his little miss sunshine, I gave in. Not knowing if it was the right thing to do or if i just felt guilty and sad for him because i care so much for him . He is a good person , i just cant change or forget about how bad he made me feel about myself, verbally abusive. Now he has calmed down but its still not the same. I Feel different, I cant forget . I dont know what to do . I care about him and i dont know what he will do when i tell him that we cant be together anymore but i dont want to live my life for him. I want to go back to the place i left. I want to be free again.what i meant about him telling me that i had to tell him to the truth or he wont be with me . I was talking about the other guy. Me and him have been talking since i got back and i lied and told him that i had broken up with him and he found out that i had slept with him. He got reallly hurt and told me the only way he can be with me and not feel betrayed is if i tell him everything My boyfriend of 4 years has a bday coming up and i just dk what to do .. what the right thing to do.. what the non bitchy thing to do is ?I hope i explained my story a bit better if not i can ellaborate on the follow up
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so i may have done an awful way of explaining my situation. I will share my whole story.I met my boyfriend 5 years ago in summer school. He had a girlfriend at the time and I just wanted to get school over with, I was always the girl who minded her own business but was really funny and down to earth. Most of my friends have been guys. I had also never had a boyfriend before or sex. Growing up in the family that I grew up in, it was very hard for me to believe in love or any emotional attachment to anyone. Not that i didnt want it but I just didn't feel worthy of it. So it was all very new but it was the greatest thing ever. He was amazing,smart,cute,funny, a lyricist so certaintly had a way with words. Our first hang out we just talked for hours at the beach and drank a beer and just chilled, he attempted to kiss me but I stepped away and said "no you have a girlfriend". We talked about his gf at the time and he was on the verge of breaking it off with her, he just didn't want to hurt her feelings so he needed that push and I was the push. He broke up with her and we started dating, It all happened so quickly, i pretty much ended up sneaking in to his house all the time staying over, we were inseparable but I mostly think it is because i made it that way. He liked his space and I crowded it, overjoyed by all the feelings i had never felt before. I was like a kid at a candy store,wanting more and more of everything. So I don't blame him for the way he acted because i know I'm a handful as well, but as we continued to date he already being an angry person he just started name calling me. When we would argue he would call me a retard, an idiot, a piece of sh*t and I let it all slide for years because I thought he was the one for me. I never wanted to be the generic couple who breaks up and goes around sleeping with other men . As foolish as it sounds i wanted to be with just him for the rest of my life . .. Or so i thoughtI got an internship in school a 9 month program and in that program i was away from everything and everyone. There were days when i felt completely alone but for the most part i felt free, alive. I met this guy there during the last 3 months of my internship and everything i thought changed. I felt like i met my long lost best friend, it was just so easy to be myself and not worry about being patronized for it or have to explain myself. It was the best feeling ever . I still had not done anything with him, we would jst talk for like 4 hours or more on the phone and when we would chill we would just talk and laugh and laugh. One day things got a little heavy and well it happend and i cried during. I told him get of get off cuz i had realised in that moment that i had moved on i just didnt know it till then. But it was beautiful, all of it. I can never explain everything that happend or how it happend or how i felt but I know it was the best feeling of my life being with him made me so happy and being away from everyone . the idea of starting fresh just excited me.So the program ended and i was taken from him, he was taken from me. I had to come back, but I came back with the idea of leaving him . So I did but it was the most painful thing ever, i couldn't bear him crying there telling me "hell do anything" and that he was sorry and that it was inevitable that he knew he was going to loose me because of his anger issues but I was his everything. The only thing good in his life, his little miss sunshine, I gave in. Not knowing if it was the right thing to do or if i just felt guilty and sad for him because i care so much for him.He is a good person, i just cant change or forget about how bad he made me feel about myself, verbally abusive. Now he has calmed down, but its still not the same. I Feel different, I cant forget . I dont know what to do . I care about him and i dont know what he will do when i tell him that we cant be together anymore but i dont want to live my life for him. I want to go back to the place i left. I want to be free again.What Ii meant about him telling me that I had to tell him to the truth or he won't be with me . I was talking about the other guy. Me and him have been talking since i got back and i lied and told him that i had broken up with him and he found out that i had slept with him. He got reallly hurt and told me the only way he can be with me and not feel betrayed is if i tell him everything My boyfriend of 4 years has a bday coming up and i just don't know what to do .. what the right thing is to do.. what the non bitchy thing to do is ?I hope I explained my story a bit better, if not i can ellaborate on the follow up
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Are you an abused woman? What do you mean “the only way he will let me is if im honest and tell the truth....” Will he physically stop you? How will he not permit you to leave a relationship you are in of your own free will.
On the other hand, It’s 4 years of his life with you… now if you are 22 that means you have been with him since 18 and the difference between 18 and 22 is huge. If you are 25 then you have been with him since age 21 and while the differences between 21 and 25 can be large they are not so bad as 18-22.
I think that the truth is “what I wanted when I was xx 4 years ago, is not what I want now at age xx.” I think it’s time for us to move on to new experiences without each other as a partner” yes he will fight you on it. He may cry. He may beg. He may be mean.
It will NOT be nice. YOU cannot be friends afterwards do not promise that either.
You say you “went away alone for a couple of months” I assume you guys “took a break” kind of thing… well to be honest I’ve never known that to work.. usually it’s the beginning of the end…
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): Four years is a long time to be in a relationship. I can only sympathize with you if you're leaving him because 1. He cheated on you, 2. He never really wanted to marry you, 3. He was Physically & Emotionally abusive to you & 4. Consistently distant emotionally towards you. If he had done NONE of the above in the last 4 years to you then please explain what did he do that was SOOO BAD it was enough for you jump into the arms of another man? I don't think your story is complete here.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (13 December 2012):
Well you can try the "we have grown apart" line, but he will still feel hurt and rejected but its unavoidable. He will know theres another guy whether you tell him or not. Its part of the swings and roundabouts of relationships. If it hasnt already then one day it will happen to you and you will know how it feels.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 December 2012):
Huh? You can't break up with him until he says so? How exactly does that work?The fact is once one person says it's over, it's over. That's it. They don't need to provide umpteen mind numbingly detailed explanations. The dumpee does no have to approve of the decision. Your boyfriend is hurt, angry and feels as though the rug has been pulled out from under him. We can relate. But he's trying to drag this out to give himself time to wear you down and avoid the break up and/or regain some sense of control by trying to keep you around until HE is ready to break up and/or seeking ammunition to use against you so he can blame you instead of thinking he was a failure. Dumping someone is hard. Being dumped is painful. But it happens to a great many of us and we must learn to deal with it. So too must your boyfriend. I do not recommend you tell him about your new guy. Absolutely no good will come of it. It will lead to greater hurt and anger and possible reprisals.You've broken up already so now he is your ex, whether he chooses to accept that or not. Don't try to remain friends. If he's going to make it this difficult for everyone you're just going to have to block and delete him.Death by one cut is better than death by a thousand. Put an end to it quickly. (Obviously I mean death of the relationship, not a person)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2012):
 I think if you have been together for 4 years you kind of owe him the truth? Don't you?
I understand that you don't want to look bad, but you need to own your choices and actions.
You can put it to him gently though, no need to be "mean" about it. But it happens that couples grow apart, it happens that they want different things, it happens that they fall out of love.
End it, if you don't want to continue it.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (13 December 2012):
Err then just tell him the truth so he can leave you and vice versa?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 If YOU want to break up with somebody you don't have to have their permission to do so.
Whatever words you use after a 4 year relationship he is going to be hurt. And whether you tell him you are leaving him for somebody else or not, he is going to know the truth very quickly, somebody will race to let him know the gory details. People are like that.
Just do it. The longer you leave it the harder it will be, and also, the longer you leave it the more hurt he will be.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): "but the only way he will let me is if im honest and tell the truth...."
You do not need his permission to break up with him. Likely he is trying to manipulate you into staying with him.
Also quite possible that given current boyfriend's apparent control over you and your lack of insight that you are heading directly into another dysfunctional relationship.
Please consider counselling, pattern suggests you may be seeking to fill deep-seated long-term voids in your life by falling into unhealthy relationships.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 December 2012):
 Is he chaining you to a wall? Then he doesn't have to give you permission to leave, you just leave. Don't wait for him to "let" you, just leave if you want. You are going to hurt his feelings no matter what happens, it's normal in a breakup. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. He is doing this in an attempt to make you stay longer. Just end things and leave.
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