A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: How can I leave? This is such a long story so I'll try give you short version. I want to start off by saying he is a good guy and with the right girl he could make her happy. We've been together for 14 years. I got pregnet with our 1st child at a very young age, he's 8 years older then me. So the first couple of years were very hard on all of us. neither of us knowing really what we were doing but also had different ideas about family life and what it meant to put a child above ourselfs. I was kicked out at 16 when b was born( my family life growing up was never very stable). So I tried everything in my power not to be another baby having a baby. I got my GED when I was 17 ,had a full time job and a 1 bedroom apt( i never applied for state help). He had already gotten a degree and was working but lived at his moms. He didn't like my apt and needless too say it took 2 kids , 10 years and a morgatage for his stuff to be in the same house as mine. To say it came easy would be funny but after our second child things were great. Life was perfect, he wanted more kids and me still all about stability wanted a house. So we agreed we would buy a house and have a child shortly after. But things started changing he stopped talking to me touching me. So after the house was bought the fights started agin. It took two years, and countless nights of woundering how I fucked up so bad that he wouldt even look at me to figure out he had a drug problem. A bad one at that. When I found out I gave him the option drugs or us. He chose us. And got clean. I think it was too late at that point for me to still love him but it was 12 years and my family so I said I would try. He tried so hard to make me happy when he got clean. I know I never made it easy on him. I myself was dealing with a lot of self hate at the time. I have left him twice in my life.once when b was 2 and once a couple of months after I found out about the drugs. But he would not leave me alone calling 24/7, buzzing the door to the place I was staying. No I will not call the cops i dont want to put that on his recoud and damage the rest of his life. And plus I did that the first time. I know hes a good person and i do love him.When we were younger he would disappear for days to weeks. At the time I thought he was cheating but now I know that he has always had a problem. I knew he would use on occasion but never understood how addicted he truly was. I know in my heart he's using agin. I can't prove it but the same signs are there. I had given up. My only thought tell recently is how to make my kids life quiet and safe. He never does anything to hurt them. Makes sure they have the best of everything. He swears he loves me,cant live without me. I stopped fighting back and just let life be it was easier.So I thought I would just lay in the bed I made. But I was out with some good friends I have not seen in a really long time and had way too much to drink( I don't drink that much I've seen the damage it can do). And I met a Guy. Now I have never cheated on my boyfriend. I have always been a big flirt but always went home and never thought about someone else. But I wanted too and I guess I did. I didn't have sex with him but we slept in the same bed and if I would've had less to drink I might of. He knows I have a boyfriend. I want him and I'm scared. So how do I make my boyfriend see he needs to find that someone that will make him laugh, love and enjoy life? I want to call this guy. And I know that I would risk endangering the one thing that I won't risk any more then I have. But he won't leave my thoughts. In the past when I've left my bf has said I was leaving because I found someone better. It was never true and is still not true. I just want my family safe and happy and that includes my bf. This guy has made me question the last 7 years of my life. I know this could be nothing just my body reacting on instinct. I have let my brain lead me most of my adult life but my gut wants this one. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012):
Thanks to both of you
I understand the unfairness you feel. It's something that I struggle with, but what I think about a lot is our children are taught by examples and if my actions speak louder then my words what damage am I doing long term for their future relationships. I know that it has already impacted so many things in their young life's.
Code warrior- when I wrote this I was looking for a honest opinion. Thanks
With that said
"Love is moral even without legal marriage, but marriage is immoral without love".
Ellen Key
I've felt love. I feel it everyday. The same goes for happiness. You are so right that it's in the little things in life and that we have to make our own. But any actions I take will have a impact on someone's happiness,health and maybe even safety. I can't think just about today, myself. What matters most is tomorrow, ten years from now. We will always be in each others life.
And every action I take now will be a lie. Because before the other night I could stand firm against juvenile arguments he would throw at me and now
I think I'm going to seek outside help. Thanks agin and maybe you found love and just don't know it.
Thanks agin and my advice for anyone that might be staying for the wrong reasons is, don't your not only robbing them of there life but everyone around you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Whilst I mostly agree with the below poster, I have something more to add. I too am stuck in a relationship with the father of my two year old. Whilst he doesn't have a drug problem we have many issues and its got to the point were I know I don't love him and I know I'm staying with him because of our daughter. Would it really be that selfish to put myself first, just once, and end the relationship? It's an issue which I have been struggling with for some time and I still don't have the answer but it seems like I'm setting myself up for a very unfair life if I stay in a loveless relationship. I can't really advise you in any way here as I still don't have the answer myself but I think you need to ask yourself the same questions I've outlined above. Yes, it would suck, at least at first, yes it would be seriously hard work, at first. But there's a chance you could change your life for the better. I'm not saying to leave your partner for this other guy or to cheat. I'm saying, if you leave him, leave him because it's the best thing you can do for yourself, for your life and for your happiness. There would be time to find someone else later on. Once again, I'm not saying that is definitely what you should do, but it's something to think about at least.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I know when I said short I would skim important details in our families 14 year history. Let me make this clear There is no legal fight! He would not try. I would never keep his kids from him. I want them to always have each other. My goal is to try keep the peace. I know that's hard to do at anytime when things end. Thoughts of leaving have always been there. He has never been very easy to live with... I can only hang pictures he likes, i cant spray cleaner he dose not like, my car has to be red, the house has to be spot less( i like my house clean but when you have kids order is not our #1) I take on any debit with the kids, I have full responsibility of anything with the kids. Insurance,school,doctors,anything that would be important to there well being has always been my end. When we do family activities he's never with. We go alone to weddings, out of town,skating,lakes. a trip to a bigger city. Just me and the kids. My aunt has kinda taken on the role as my date when we go places. He provides the house( when he bought it ,it was suppose to be a family thing, but when we were out of town he just bought it and told me to look at pics online). I'm not worried about where the kids will go, who's taking the doctor bill from 99' what worries me is how can I help him see were not meant to be? I think he's afraid of being alone. When I say I love him it's not the same love that it once was. If I left today, had no thought for him and took the kids. I would be fine. My b still asks if we can leave. But I can't hurt him like that. I know it won't be easy, but I need him to be happy. It's just not with me. I'm not trying to be conceded, but I get hit on a lot. I have always thought of my looks as a Curse. My bf is also very attractive and many woman would not mind him being single. Many people have accused me of having a easier life because of how I looked(my best friend all the way to a doctor) So guys don't catch my eye, but this Guy did. I was with good friends having a blast to even bother talking to someone is unusual. I would normally just give them the cold shoulder. This is my fault 110% this guy is young. And maybe he just sees what everyone else sees. I stay because leaving is impossible.if I didn't care. I would take my kids and leave town. I can make a life any where. But I'm afraid of what would happen to my bf. He needs to let go. How can I help? I've force myself to sleep with him and he knows I do. This will end one day be it today or tomorrow. I know this guy I met is not my forever. At this point I don't know if that still around but thats ok. What scares me was I wanted to be there with him. I just want the people I love to be safe and happy. I'm not asking for a pass, anything anyone else says about the cheating is not any where near as bad as I feel. If I could tell him and know that it wouldn't be taken out on my kids I would but the only people that will suffer is them. He will know just not when my kids are in a hundred mile radius. He would not hurt them psychically, but the fighting and never be able to walk away from a argument has already taken a toll mentally.
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