A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my problem is quite straightforward - the men I’m attracted to never like me back!I don’t know maybe my standards are too high, but how do I change that? I’ve tried all of the usual advice, including dating different types of men; focusing on personality over attraction; waiting to see if attraction grows etc, but all that happens is I end up in relationships where I don’t actually fancy the man I’m with. And although I can face sex at the start because it’s new and I like the guy and I want to please him, as time goes on it becomes a bigger issue because I just don’t feel ‘it’ for him and I lose interest in having sex with someone I have no passion for.I’m sure he’d be horrified if he knew this, but I was with my ex for 6 years and I genuinely didn’t find him sexually attractive. I thought he was good looking in a general way, I did love him and I had regular sex with him throughout our relationship, but did I find him sexually attractive? No. And I don’t think that I’m asexual or anything either because I do find other men attractive. But they never seem to be interested or they’re already taken (an immediate no go for me obviously).I feel terrible just writing that and often feel like there must be something wrong with me, but then I wonder if that’s why so many women go off sex with their partners? Maybe it’s not just me that’s gone through this?I know staying with someone I don’t fancy isnt fair which is why I’m currently single, but what’s the alternative? Stay single and alone forever? Try to turn myself into the type of woman the men I like want? How would I even do that? I don’t really want to change my personality or looks (aside from maybe dropping 5-7lbs, but wouldn’t everyone like that?!)? I do get told I look like Julia Stiles a lot and I know she’s a little unconventional looking, so maybe my looks just don’t appeal to the type of men I like and I need to accept that? Then I hear people saying that companionship is so much more important, but that leads me right back to the unfulfilling relationships I was in before, which doesn’t sound tempting at all.Sorry I know this has turned into a bit of a rant but I’m genuinely not sure what to do. If I could wave a magic wand, I’d love a relationship with a man that I genuinely feel passion for and he me. That ‘can’t keep your hands off each other’ thing some of my friends seem to have, at least in the beginning. He doesn’t have to be a model or anything, just attractive to me and have the feeling be mutual. Is that too much to ask? And if so, how do I accept I might never experience that? Thanks all.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 December 2017):
 It could be that you actually come across as not interested (if you are tongue tied) when you feel attraction. As for that. well it's part of who you are. It's not something you can easily change - you could try and fake it but that will create other issues. I would just keep at it, but not date guys you aren't interested in.
Try new things with friend and family and put "looking for a man" on the back burner a while. I think that the chance of meeting the "right" kind of people increases when you are enjoying life and not looking. It sounds so odd but I find it to be true.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): Now my response. In my own experience, I've learned that we go through a few trial-relationships with people that sometimes workout and sometimes they don't. It exercises our emotional-muscles; because we have to learn how to deal with the wants and needs of other people. From an infant on, we only know what we want and need. We are selfish from the moment we leave the womb.
In order to be fulfilled and move forward in life, we have to first understand who we are. We have to see our own faults before we point fingers at others, and find fault in others.
Here's what I needed to know about you, and you provided it:
"Because you know that superficial, functional relationship I was supposedly in? Well ending that cost me my best friend (him for avoidance of any doubt!!) and it took me a while to build up the desire to get back out there again."
I knew there was something that has made you lose hope that love is out there and available to be found. Love is elusive and it forces us to seek it; but not without sacrifice or challenge. Love is like treasure. Hard to find, greatly valued when found, but it can also be lost or stolen. We have to learn how to maintain it when we find it, and know when what we found is not really treasure. Sometimes we over-valued a person who under-valued us. We don't become embittered; we learn to take it as a lesson of life. We use it as wisdom to move forward and to work better in the next relationship.
As entitled as we might be. As demanding as we may feel; love just doesn't come on demand. It happens in due time. meanwhile, you enjoy dating and finding companionship. You adjust your attitude, and subdue your ego. If the man you meet doesn't fulfill all your desires and isn't the match you've been hoping for, don't lose hope. At least you had him if only for one season. Sometimes divinity sends someone to tend to our needs temporarily, while life shapes and refines us for an upgrade.
Again I say, you have to be open and emotionally-available; not let cynicism and disappointment close you off. If you feel it won't happen, you will not be receptive when it might be staring you right in the face. You're going to have a lot more temporary connections; because practice makes perfect. If you become embittered or frustrated, you miss the purpose of challenge and only see the bad. You'll ignore the benefit of challenge and learning. It brings on refinement and experience. Stupid people are too busy complaining to realize this. The need to find someone to blame or lash-out at.
My dear, I'll excuse you; but I don't rant. I know what I'm talking about. I got you to open-up and offer me what I needed to know that I don't know. Not just how bad you feel, but what you really want and desire. Now that you've clearly expressed it. You can pursue it, but you have to be positive and patient. Treasure isn't just lying around to be found. You have to search and search. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the blessings you find along your journey.
I don't take offense to rebuttal or criticism from readers. It enlightens me. It humbles me.
My words reach out to enough readers that someone gets it. I wish you the best in your journey. You don't give-up hope. Sometimes love is elusive; because you're not fully prepared for that blessing. When you enter the life of someone who deserves love; that person is entitled to the best you can give them. The are taking a huge risk and will sacrifice their trust. It's not always about you or me. We can demand and set all the high expectations we want. Aside from our selfishness, we must deserve what we are given. Many people are blessed, and they squander it. They are needy, insecure, and downright irritating. They never own-up to their part in their series in failed relationships.
If you don't succeed not even once in a series of relationships; then it's not them, it's you!
You and I may be arrogant enough to think we're all that and a bag of chips; but if you haven't found what you're looking for, then don't just project outwardly on men. Look inwardly at yourself. We all have to be a work in progress, and work consistently on our own faults. It's what we can't see in ourselves that hurts us. It's easy to see blame in others, but it's hard to see it in ourselves.
Best wishes, my dear!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): Thanks for clearing things up for me. I don't presume to know you or all women. However; I know how to get people to open up and express themselves. I want you to read your response to me to yourself. Look how clear and heartfelt that post is. The first two didn't really say anything. If I didn't understand you, it was because they're poorly written and unclear. Now look at your defiant response. Now that's what I wanted to know.
Thanks for setting me straight. I hope you'll learn from your own words and experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow ok WiseOwl, that was quite the diatribe! And it’s also clear you’ve not read my question or follow up at all! I’m not sure what good it will do since you seem very convinced you know me (and all women perhaps), but I’ll try to correct some of your (many) wrong assumptions:
- I don’t live with anyone right now. I’m single, and as I mentioned, I’m staying that way because I don’t think it’s fair to stay with a man I’m not sexually attracted to. So I’ve not ‘wrangled’ a man into a relationship at all thank you very much, nor am I using any men or keeping them ‘hooked’ with sex.
- You believe my former relationship was superficial, but if you read what I’d said it was the exact opposite to that. It was based ONLY on the emotional connection rather than physical. In my experience men don’t understand this the way women do, but it’s actually very possible to truly love someone that you’re not turned on by. That is the situation I was in. I’d have loved it if someone could have flicked a switch and made me feel that spark, but it didn’t happen like that. So I don’t know where you get this idea that I’m looking for a real life Ken doll that I can wheel out to impress my friends! It’s sexual chemistry I’m looking for not bragging rights.
- You think I’m superficial for only focusing on the exterior, but that’s what my problem is! That’s what’s always been missing from my relationships, because the available dating pool was made up of the ones I’m not really attracted to. All great and lovely guys, but no spark. This is another thing I don’t think men get, because society seems to accept that they need a physical attraction in a relationship. Whereas women? We’re expected to be more evolved. To look deeper, below the surface. Because apparently looks shouldn’t matter as much to us. And sure they are not the whole picture, but I bought into that advice and ended up in a relationship where I really loved a man but didn’t want him sexually. So now I’m seeking advice on how to either change what I’m attracted to or attract more of what I like.
- I don’t think men suck! Far from it, I love men. That’s why I’m looking for one strangely enough ;) You don’t seem to think much of women though to be honest.
- I already said I don’t have a type. There is no mould or perfect image I’m scouring the streets and bars for. I just want chemistry and compatibility and I don’t have any expectations around what that looks like. But traditionally the ones I feel chemistry for don’t feel it for me, so I’ve been left with compatibility only. Which makes for an easy, drama free life (which I like) but once the newness of the sex wears off that’s all there is and it’s not enough for me. And as I said, it’s not fair on the man either.
- There is no ‘one that got away’ for me. All of my relationships have ended for good reason and I don’t have any unfinished business with any of them. Nor is there a crush from my past that I’m hanging on to. I’m not crushing on anyone at all right now actually.
- My friends are probably starting to wonder if I actually can ‘get a man’ as you put it, as I’ve been single for over 2 years. Because you know that superficial, functional relationship I was supposedly in? Well ending that cost me my best friend (him for avoidance of any doubt!!) and it took me a while to build up the desire to get back out there again.
- I’m not sure if you can be in a 6 year relationship with someone who isn’t ‘functioning and available’ can you? Maybe you can but it must be a miserable existence if so and something I have no experience of.
So there you are. I do appreciate the time you’ve taken to respond to my issue, but I’m disappointed that you didn’t really bother to read my question. Instead you tarred me with the ‘typical shallow woman’ brush and went on a rant about it.
Perhaps this is something men will never really get as they seem to have some sort of sexual attraction for lots of different women - or men in a gay man’s case (see I actually read your posts ;)). However, for many of the women I know, they could walk through the town centre and see no-one they are attracted to all day. So I don’t know, maybe we are shallow? But what are our options? Stay single forever and miss out on love and companionship, or settle for an attraction free relationship and feel sad as we feel less and less able to face sex with the men we love because they never really ‘did it’ for us in the first place? THAT is the crux of my question. Which you might understand if you’d actually bothered to read and consider it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): Stop wrangling men into relationships just for the sake of having a boyfriend. You don't feel anything for them; but you give them sex as an incentive to keep them around. All the while you don't feel anything for them; nor do they really feel any emotional-attachment to you.
The guy you're living with is nothing but a prop. You say little about him; so he's functional and fulfills his use.
You're creating the enviable "power-couple." You look good together. He fits your type. conveying the right image to your girlfriends may be just a bit too important to you.
Therefore, the couplings you create are superficial and have no substance. You've been window-dressing for their sake.
You don't allow for any emotional-connections to be made; because you're too busy finding a "type" to fit the part. Very Hollywood-style! A match made in heaven; but all for appearances and display. To impress the girls! Good photo-ops and stunning profiles!
Reading your post gives me the impression that your relationships are phony and contrived; but you always have a hot-date to make you look good. You do whatever it takes to get the guy; but once he's on the hook, has played the role; you shrug and throw him back! He has served his purpose.
You don't bother to remove the tag; because you have no intention of keeping him. You figure he doesn't want to stay anyway. You don't trust men, you think we suck, and you got burnt by one in particular; who left a deep emotional-scar!
I bet the "type" are his clones. The mystery-man rejected you; so you get replacements or look-alike fill-ins to show you can get him back; even if it's just his reflection.
When you say "type" I visualize a man who fits a particular mold. He has certain features and physical-attributes. He has to fit the picture-perfect boyfriend-mold; regardless of the lack of chemistry. The right hair, color eyes, physique, and he has the right profession. It's not the money; just the public-statement he makes. He's a catch!
All these guys share something in-common. That's why the outcome is always the same. Self-fulfilling prophecy has a lot to do with it. You sabotage things when your fantasy goes off-script. It scares you if a guys shows signs he likes you! You panic!
Concentration on being loyal to a "preference" is superficial. You're not looking beneath the surface.
You don't give chemistry a chance, you're too busy trying to manipulate things to fit your prototype of the perfect guy, and the image of the perfect boyfriend. With one extra twist. He's the doppelganger for the one who got-away! With all emphasis on letting the world know you can get a man, a good-looking man; but you neglect to open yourself up to the emotional-side of it. Some guy really hurt you. You settle for sitters; guys you fill the empty space he left behind.
I have so many gay-male friends exactly like you. You're a sweet scared little kitten hiding behind a facade of the tough independent woman. You pick him, he doesn't pick you.
He loves me, he loves me not. Men all suck!
You're detached and terrified of a real intimate-connection; because deep inside; you don't believe in anything real. You don't believe it can really happen to you.
You're scared if you did let your guard down; he'll disappoint you and abandon you. So you look for emotionally unavailable men; because the outcome is predictable, and you're shut-off anyway. At lease for all appearances, your friends know you can get a man. They can't feel anything coming from you in order to like you. If they try, you run!
Like many gay-men I've known, you have a love-fantasy. In your imagination you have created a special male-prototype; because he would be "ideal." I had to check your gender twice. It says you're female; but you're the stereotypical gay-man!
You say you want passion and you want them to feel something for you. That isn't possible, because you're not open for it. You're too busy painting pretty pictures of being a nice handsome couple. You don't know how to be a functioning and available partner within a relationship. You haven't been totally honest with us, or yourself. Have you?
Correct me if I'm wrong. Your post isn't telling the whole story. Just giving us a little peek. I think I see more than you think!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply Honeypie!
I don’t have a list at all, in fact I don’t even have a type in terms of hair colour, height, looks and that sort of thing. I’ve been attracted to all manner of people over the years and they’re quite a diverse looking bunch if I do say so myself! So it’s not that I’m holding out for a British Chris Hemsworth or anything like that :)
But I have noticed I tend to like the men that most women like, so I’m wondering if perhaps my tastes are too ‘classically good looking’ and that’s where I’m going wrong because those men have so many options? That being said, personality is key too as I’ve met some lovely looking guys that I’ve gone off completely once I’ve got to know them more and vice versa. It’s just that when I find that attraction for whatever reason it’s rarely reciprocated.
I’ve wondered if I maybe act differently around the men I like and that could be part of it? Not all of the time of course as some just won’t like me, but maybe with some in less natural/more keen to please or something? I mean I try not to but I do get a little tongue tied if I really like someone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 December 2017):
Well, how realistic is your "list"?
I get that some people have these comprehensive "lists" of traits or whatnot, that a partner NEED to possess but I have SEEN in person how that just doesn't work in reality. I had a very good friend who had one of these lists where her "demand" were in a range from eye-color, hair-color to what kind of job, degree, etc. etc. where on it. It's just not realistic. Maybe if you are BUYING a car you can decide on a brand, engine size, manual/automatic, color, interior etc... If you can afford to be that choosy. But people are NOT cars.
Having a standard, which to me a bit more organic, (in lack of a better word) makes more sense. For me, a sense of humor and intelligence has been preferably over model good looks. But attraction is a big part of it. Not just physical but to his personality.
So maybe you need to consider whether your "list" is even realistic.
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