A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,On the surface this may seem like another question about dating a guy with a kid. This is a bit different, however. I moved into a new place and I'm lucky to have great neighbors. One of my neighbors is a guy who's 7 years older than me and who has a twelve year old girl running around. I automatically assumed this was his daughter. In any case, we quickly got comfortable enough around each other that he (I'll call him Tom) asked me to stay at his home with the girl (I'll call her Linda) when he was working a late shift. I accepted and though Linda was a bit wary of me at first, we got along. That was, until she mentioned she had a pajama party coming up and I made a suggestion to make it more fun. She burst into tears and was withdrawn the entire evening, even when she went to bed. I couldn't find out what I did wrong, so when Tom came home he explained to me what was going on, so I could avoid 'stepping into more landmines'. To make a long story short: Linda is the daughter of Tom's sister, who committed suicide. Linda's dad has been absent all her life and Tom managed to get custody. What I said made Linda burst into tears because it was similar to a suggestion her mom made before she killed herself. I felt terrible of course, but Tom assured me it was okay and that he'd like it if I stayed around. Anyway, the past few months after that incident we've all become closer, including Linda and I. Tom regularly invites me over for dinner and even Linda came to get me so we could watch a girl movie together. I've started to develop feelings for Tom and I want to take the next step into a proper relationship, but I'm not really sure how to go about it. Right now we're at this in between phase. We've kissed, but we haven't officially called it. Being friends is safe for Linda, because friendship offers stability that relationships don't always do. I've really gotten fond of both Tom and Linda and while I can see myself getting old with them, I'm mature enough to know that things don't always pan out the way I hope and that the relationship could end. I don't want to put a traumatized girl through that. She needs a constant in her life. I think Tom's hesitation is because of the same thing. He's very protective of her. He once said he'd stay single for as long as Linda still lives with him if that was what it took to give her a stable home. His devotion to her is one of the things I love about him, but it's also why it's kinda hard for me to figure out my place in this. I can tell he cares about me, as he goes out of his way to make me comfortable and he's confided things in me that one only tells a good friend, but like I said, it's like we're stuck in this vague grey area. Yesterday I overheard Linda saying to Tom: 'Have you asked her to be your girlfriend yet or not?' So she's definitely picked up on it. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): OP here again,Linda was staying over at her best friend's place yesterday, so I took the opportunity to talk to Tom about how I feel. He admitted he has feelings for me too, (which I'm really happy about) but that he's afraid to act on them because Linda is getting attached to me and he doesn't want to risk it going wrong. We talked to it for a while and he told me his last girlfriend dumped him as soon as he told her he got custody of his niece and Linda caught wind of that and it really did a number on her self worth. Tom said Linda seems more upbeat with me also there. Then he said: 'I really like to have you in my life, but I can't risk a relationship right now, not while Linda is so fragile. I can understand if you don't want to wait, because who knows how long it'll take. But Linda comes first.' I told him I was happy to wait and that if friendship is what's best for her, then so be it. We haven't known each other for a very long time, so I think the extra time could do us good. Plus as I myself never came first to my own parents (I was an unwanted child) it's nice to be able to make a good impact on a young girl who's had such a tough time. I have to say that deep down I'm really happy Tom emphasized Linda comes first, because it shows what a good man he is. @So_very_confused: thanks for your answer. You're right to be more worried about the child than the adults and I think that I'm doing the right thing by focusing more on friendship and what's best for Linda. I'll pick that book up too. If you have more tips, keep them coming!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
 I think that in the long run if you and Tom are friends you can have an awesome impact on Linda.
There is a program called Big Brothers and Big Sisters that pairs children with adults (not related) of the same sex to give them mentoring and that support that they do not have because their same sex parent is absent for whatever reason. You could be that "big sister" that Linda will need.
12 is a lousy age for a girl and a girl without a mommy... sucks... to get an impact on how Linda feels read the book "motherless daughters"
I would actually advise you to decide if you want to help Linda more or be with Tom more... because if you and Tom do get together as a couple, and in a few years break up... Linda will be totally traumatized and then you will possibly want to continue a relationship with her which will make Tom's future girlfriends annoyed and any one you end up with will question your relationship with Linda as a means to be near Tom.
Hard situation to cope with. Adults are entitled to love and relationships and kids normally adapt well; and cope... in this case I worry that while you being around is a good thing, if you and Tom don't work out (and it's early yet to know this) it would be very hard for Linda.
and yes I'm more worried about the child here than the adults.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): OP here.
Thanks for your answers.
Oh no Cerberus, I definitely don't have the mindset of the link you posted. I never feel like a child is 'in the way' or anything like that.
Thank you both for your advice. It makes a lot of sense. I won't rush into trying to define what Tom and I have. I will talk to him about how I feel about him so he knows without having to put a stamp on it. I'm generally a patient person so if that's what's best for them, then I'm in no hurry.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Give it more time and be patient. If you get tired and sad because things don't seem to move forward, don't show it. Be as patient as you possibly can, and when your patience is out hide it until you've gained some more patience. This will take a while. But if you have any outbursts or raise your voice out of frustration.. then you'll ruin everything that has been built up. He's being very careful, he might be overly careful too. I have a feeling he will back off fast if he gets any hint at instability between him and you. You need to be patient until the foundations are set for a relationship, because he's going to move super slow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): Remember OP, she lost the most important female in her life through the most horrific circumstances. She will attach herself to next female influence exceptionally quickly and losing that again could be very damaging. You may always be labelled as "Uncle Tom's friend" to her OP, if only just to protect her.
She'll see in you all that she has missed in her mother and if he was suddenly to call you partner to her only for it to not work out in the next few months then it could be disastrous.
Patience OP. Be prepared for him to reject the idea outright too though, especially if you demand it, if he feels that's best for her and do your best to accept that if that's the case.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): Okay the best i can do OP is to say you need to get rid of the idea of having a place in this picture if you know what I mean.
I've been with two single mothers in the past both ended up as long term relationships now I let them know that I was ready for the next step and interested in that but I did so with the explicit idea that I'm okay being with them with zero labels too. That I was 100% willing to go with things at their pace. I made sure they knew that I didn't want to suddenly jump into things the normal way people do but I do want reassurance that at least emotionally we're on the same page and willing to at least let things grow.
Read this and read my answer to it and just make sure you don't fall into a similar mindset, it seems like your not but just make sure OP.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/whats-your-opinion-on-dating-someone-with-kids.html
Op another huge mistake people make when it comes to this kind of thing is demanding that the person with the kid define their relationship to the kid as if by not telling the kid you're a couple that it's somehow an illegitimate relationship. Please try not to get into that mindset OP. A 7 year old girl knowing your boyfriend/girlfriend is not going to give this any more legitimacy. Now I know I may be jumping the gun and you have no intention of any of that, or know all I've said already but hearing their story makes me a tad protective of them in my advice.
Look OP, don't try and force things, if he's not ready to define this yet then patience is a virtue.
In normal circumstances you'd be well advised to want to define things, to make sure you're on the same page and also to protect yourself from being used. But these are not normal circumstances, so do what I did OP and avoid the "where are we going with this?" "let's make it official" and just talk to him about how you feel. Make no demands, just make it known that you have deep feelings for him and they're growing and that you can see yourself being with him and ask him how he feels about you.
That way there's no pressure and he can open up to you so you know where you stand.
But OP seriously understand one thing, as far Linda is concerned this situation may perfect the way it is, he may not want to turn this into something serious yet or put a label on it because of how things change when that happens. You know? When you do put that label on OP and things are official there are lots of changes and more liberties and he may want to guard her against that in case it causes too much disruption. So seriously don't take it badly if he says he's not ready or needs more time, you just need to know that emotionally he's on the same page, and he can be regardless of he decides to label it.
Be prepared for nothing to change in the way you interact, slowly, slowly is the best course of action here.
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