A
female
age
41-50,
*sh-simpson
writes:I'm in love with my teacher who's very much married and have 2 kids. Is it wrong to feel this way?? I am still single and never had any relationship in my 30 years of existence. i don't seem to attract single guys and probably that's also the reason why i began to like married man.Sadly, i seem to find the good qualities i'm searching for mostly on married man. Any advice??
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 It is elementary, dear you. You seek married men because they DO have all the qualities you at least believe you seek in a man. You want a man with stability, who wants to settle, who wants children etc. All the married men you find attractive have all of this. So to no surprise, they are attractive to you. Unfortunately, they are not available. And being a woman on the side isn't what you want either. You want man, marriage, children, the classic set-up that most of us want. A loving husband and the good decent job.
The problem lies in dating. Only through dating, and establishing relationships, can you determine if an unattached man has these qualities, or at least the potential of it. It might be tempting to skip a few of these steps towards your imaginary ideal, however it is difficult. I say imaginary ideal, as when you haven't had much of relationship experience before you simply do not know definitely what qualities in a man you need, versus simply want or desire. They can be different qualities. You might think you want someone who will settle down and has a steady job, while in fact what you need might be a man who is available for change so that you and him can travel around the world. Just as an example.
You could potentially seek out divorced men, or single fathers. That would make you jump a few steps ahead, as they might also come across to you as attractive, and you wont have to spend so much time trying to convince them to have a child, or guess how good of a father they will be, because you can see it for yourself. A divorced man might not be willing to marry again, but at least you know he's not afraid of commitment. The only way to find out what each individual man wants is to ask them. This is something you can do on a date, simply as what intentions they have through dating, if it is finding a casual partner, a relationship just for fun, or something serious which might lead up to marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): First of all, there's no qualitative difference between single and married men. There are rotters and lovelies in both groups. Remember, all married men were single once! It's simply not true to think that 'all the good ones are taken' - it implies that people who have failed relationships must have something wrong with them, when actually relationships break for all kinds of reasons and incompatibilities which don't reflect in the slightest way on the worth of the parties concerned.I think you need to ask yourself why you are constantly attracted to men you can't have. It could be that there is a self-worth issue there: that, at some level, you don't think that you are worthy of a full and completely relationship (perhaps because of things that happened to you or your parents when you were young). You therefore choose men that you know will reject you, or be unable to commit to you. The fact that you've never had a relationship - and I assume that includes an affair - means that this is basically a strategy to replace real emotional intimacy with a kind of heightened emotional state that is fundamentally premised on disengagement and unreality. The fact that you say you are 'in love' with your teacher worries me. I'm sorry, but those feelings aren't 'love' - they're unrequited and unrealistic attraction - possibly a kind of 'limerance'. I do not think you are at all a bad person. In fact, you sound like you might be a sweetheart who has just had a really hard time early in life, maybe with a difficult parental breakup, or a home that wasn't full of warmth and love. That may have given you some intimacy issues. You might find that talking to a counsellor gives you a safe environment in which to explore these difficult memories and feelings. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 there always seems to be something attractive about someone who is "off limits." i don't know if this is why these men appeal to you, or what exactly your reasoning is for this attraction to married men. that's something that nobody can really answer for you on this site. maybe a counselor can help you unlock these answers, and help steer you in the right direction. cause as i'm sure you know, this attraction to married men will lead you down a dead-end road.this is a behavior pattern that you should really attempt to work on breaking, as you will have a very lonely, unfulfilled life ahead of you if you don't. best of luck.
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