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male
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anonymous
writes: There's this girl that I've liked for about a year now. When I told her how I felt, she turned me down. She didn't know I had her screen name, and I started messaging her. We kind of started dating online, but she doesn't know who I am. It's been going on for about 8 months, and now she wants to meet. I keep coming up with excuses not to, because then she'd find me out. But now the online relationship is fading because of her lack of trust. I really like talking to her about everything, and I can't let her go, what should I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 January 2006):
 The way I see this one, you really only have two choices.
The first is to let things fade, knowing that you've been untruthful with her for 8 months and she's beginning to doubt you.
The only other alternative is to come clean with her right now, today, and admit that it's been you all along. This news is bound to freak her out, though, because it's kind of stalkerish behaviour to have become a "different" person online, just to try to attract her.
You've already gathered, I hope, that you've only tangled yourself in your own lies... right? And discovered (I trust) that playing games with people's minds and hearts is not the way to a strong and satisfying relationship?
Excellent. If you have, then all is not lost.
Next time you're online chatting, don't muck her about any longer. Tell her that you have something important to say. Then tell her the truth, with a sincere apology for stringing her along. Let her know that it started out as a little fib, because you were attracted to her, but it started growing into something bigger, which got out of your control. Ensure she knows that you didn't plan things to get this big, that you just weren't thinking about what you were doing.
I'm assuming all that is the truth, but if it's not, tell her what IS the truth. Be honest with her and don't expect anything other than for her to be speechless with creepy horror. She might tell you to go and eat dirt (sorry, dear, but you've earned some response like that), or she might be only mildly disturbed by what you've done. Chances are, she'll still disappear off your radar. Still, there's a chance she might get over it, eventually.
After a while, she *might* --- might!--- see that the guy she turned down was really the cool guy she liked online, and forgive you for being sneaky and manipulative and basically, a creep.
Of your two available alternatives, I think this is the only good one.
Good luck, and please remember everything that you've learned with this current catastrophe.
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