A
female
age
36-40,
*arah4_xx_
writes:I am writing to ask whether people think I have done enough for my daughter in making her dad be part of her life?I had her and another guy was thought to be her dad but in feb the dna results came back that she wasnt my ex but she was my ex before that we'll call him Mr T.So Mr T has known for 4months and has barely seen her and paid nothing.I know hes missed out on the first year but hes now missed out on more by not putting effort in.I put it down to he was in shock but he isnt I found out he was planning a baby with his present gf and that she'd previously had a miscarriage so they must have been trying for awhile.He has moved 200miles away to live with her knowing his daughters here and family live near by.I feel he isnt elling his family and in that way depriving our daughter of knowing her other family.He is very secretive and keeps his life in different sections so to speak,like one number for family,one for me and one his gf and one for work.Its all abit stupid.He gave me a number that isnt even in a phone.And only talks to me by email but isnt even doing that now.He can talk the talk but he never follows through with anything he says.I cancelled the maintenance company to show him i wasnt just after money like he said and to show we can do it in a more civil way but 3weeks went by and i thought every week ive put trust in you and uv failed to do it.Its a fiver a week and hes dragging his feet!I dont trust him and have said I will supervise or get a contact centre and hes refused,he just vanishes and isolates himself so I dnt blame myself for being worried about him having her alone he just says coz im not doing it ur way its no way and i say no i want u to see her but i dont what her messed up as inconsistency can be very damaging.I have been very compromising and fair but cant help but feel like i could do more for her excpet just chasing him for financial support.I feel hes a complulsive liar and doesnt mean anything he says.Do you think i should leave the next move up to him or try to get in contact with his parents to let them know about her?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Kids get funny about secrets and parents... they like to have a proper biological tree.. I'd go for a simple card or a phone call, explaining that you want nothing, but you would feel disrespectful if you didn't tell them and pop in your address... After that, all you need to do is inform them if you move.
British guy... I'd still put the child support people onto him, and get a small minimum amount of money which I would bank and give to my child at 18.. It's not the money, but it's being able to say, "kid, I fought to make sure that your dad didn't walk away and pretend your invisible. Here's your inheritance"
Five pounds a week... I'm not allowed to swear on this board.. his other girlfriend should be careful, this guy doesn't mind if children go barefoot and starve.
After his money... at five pounds a week, yippie, you can go out and buy 75% of a packet of nappies, that S.O.B will make you rich. Bloody deadbeat dad.
PS: Don't do contact centres, they are cold and expensive, it's far better if you can meet at the grandparents house.
A
female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Typically, people who "compartmentalize" their lives like you've described have done so for the long term (meaning it's nothing new or unusual for them) in so doing, there's usually a good-sized reason for the many different "compartments" Note that I said "good-sized" not good. They do this for a variety of reasons ranging from mildly neurotic and trivial to down right scary. Sort of like "a place for everything and everything in it's place" I can discern no hint of what his reasoning may be in this, however. I'd make a guess at: has g/f, wants to keep g/f and it's not you. Also a dart throw is whether his parents know about their grandchild's existence.
Personally, I wouldn't recommend just calling up his parents and point blank informing them without his knowledge or consent. I could see this being perceived as a hostile action on your part. Since they are his parents, I'd leave that ball in his court. Really, what have you got to lose?
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