A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. im going through a terrible time. I have a 1 year old and a husband who I am divorcing. We have been married nearly 3 years but have been on and off for 9 years - he is very emotionally unstable when it comes to love and relationships. When we were dating i used to always end the relationship for one reason or another usually because he just did not know how to keep it alive, and he wasn't enough for me in many ways (including sexually). When we split and I explained it he would beg for me back, make promises. Last time I didn't get back with him he had a break down over me. Anyway years passed things happened and we got married. He's a bit of an emotional crutch for me and I thought to myself he's goodlooking, he's successful, he has high morals and hes very intelligent - on paper he's every womens dream. After we got married we didn't have sex for 3 weeks - that in itself was weird but its never been that great anyway . .. i didn't have a good time being pregnant as my hormones were flying around the place and my husband I felt was not at all supportive - he never made a fuss of me, told me I looked good, kissed my tummy, share my excitement - I felt I did it pretty much on my own and with my own thoughts and feelings - thank goodness I have a very loving family and amazing friends as they take the place of my husband. We had our stunning daughter who is the apple of both our eyes but there is NOTHING between me and my husband anymore. We have agreed to divorce (i said to separate) he's insistent on divorce. We have several properties which he said he would move into one, that was a month and a half a go - so the last few months we've been under the same roof and now im starting to see the resentment he has for me. He has told me he;s furious that he's wasted 10 years of his life on me, and thinks I have been intolerable to live with. I have explained he's got this beautiful daughter so he has to keep his act together but all he can see is everything h'es losing - I think he's more worried about financially what he has to give up - on top of this he has just been made redundant.I FEEL SO GUILTY all the time I don't know what to do with myself. Divorce is crap I know that but I feel awful that he's going to have to support me and my daughter - I feel like im steeling from him - The law is the law I know but he's been told that he will probably have to sell all his properties - he looks broken and I understand but everyone is telling me to think about myself and not him. Just because im not in love with him i still love him very much and care for him but he is going to have to give me a lot to support my child and I know he's hating me for it. He thinks he's built up everything for nothing and all these feelings are caused by me.How can I stop this incredible guilt im feeling. I have been told he has to give me a nice settlement because he has a large earning capacity and I don't want to be left short because I feel sorry for him. But he will hate me if I take whats rightfully mine by law.My emotions are all over the place. I just cant stop this guilt that is suffocating me.Im so worried he will also have another breakdown over this and then we really will be in a mess. . .Can someone please throw some light on this situation and re-assure me im not the only wife that has ever felt like this . .
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Who  +, writes (16 April 2009):
 Well, I’m not qualified to address most of your situation, so I’ll only talk about a couple of small parts I know a bit about.1. Get the biggest financial settlement the law allows, and tell your husband after your daughter’s needs are met, you will split what is left over, giving him back some month by month as you can. This way you will be protected and you don’t have to ruin him or force him into poverty. If you financial situation changes (get a job, remarry, etc) you can change the arrangement as you can. (Old joke: Love is grand. Divorce is a couple of hundred grand.)2. Tell him lots of people have major setbacks in life and have to start over. His ancestors through the ages have had to face famine, plague, war, and worse, and he is where he is today because they lived through it and worked to give their children and descendants a better life than they had. He can do the same for his daughter. He might want to read the poem “IF” by Kipling, or the life of Ian Fleming. (I’m guessing it would be better if he reads it by himself and you do not repeat do not tell him. Last thing he needs is his former woman telling him how to feel and what to do.)Good luck and hope this helps.
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