A
male
age
41-50,
*man
writes:Hey...I have a really peculiar problem..and I do'nt know if it affects most guys or girls, but it's killing all my relationships...Flash back...My Italian girlfriend moved back home 2 years ago..then I began suspecting that she was doing "it" with other guys, shes got many guy friends and is a model..and I found out that she had been talking to her ex too...she even went to Croatia on vacation with a few guys and girls, and all I could picture was her having sex with other guys...till it drove me crazy and it finished our relationship. Second girl I got serious about, lied about something she had going with a guy she had met when we were still dating, she later confessed to having sex with this guy when we were just beginning to talk.She even saw this guy when we had a minor tiff over something,I broke up with her..Now the present ..I moved to NYC,dating this girl, nothing physical yet, though I was planning something serious..for Spring Break..she talked to me about this party she went too in the mountains on Saturday, when I had to leave for Philly on some work, and how she got drunk and some guy showed her his nuts and some stuff like that..I do'nt wanna ask her if she did anything crazy, but I ca'nt get the images of her having sex with some guy outta my head!!! Help! It's happening to me AGAIN!Am I paranoid? or is it just plain , bad luck?P.S: All the girlfriends I've had have been very happy with me..or so they have claimed...its always been my "suspicions" that have spoilt everything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): Truthfully, I don't think you are the problem. It sounds to me like you have dated some party girls. In my opinion when you meet a nice girl, you will know that you can trust her. You aren't dating her now "she got drunk and some guy showed her his nuts and some stuff like that"The problem is not you, but that so many people in our society think this type thing is no big deal.
A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Okay, let's forget about your past girlfriends for now.
YOu have to stop playing these imaginary scenarios in your head because you're getting worked up over something that might not have happened - and this mounting hysteria is going to come across to NYC girl when you guys sit down and have a talk.
If you admit that your 'suspicions' have ruined your relationships in the past, don't you think that there's some basis to it? YEah, some girls maintain contact with their exes. I know it's wierd, and unsettling.
You're thinking that they're still in love with them, right? You're not totally wrong, but you also have to understand that relationships evolve. What WAS a sexual relationship turns into a fraternal one. You can never erase that guy from her memory, because he was a part of her growing process. Relationships are little journeys after all, and you find out more about yourself on the way. A successful relationship is an honest one, and yes, built on trust, even when it ends, there's still that trust and YES that affection and love.
I am going to get married next year, but I maintain contact with my ex-boyfriend because he was there when I found the greatest inner peace I've ever known. He was a turning point in my life, and he's still a good friend. He tells me things he would never tell anybody else. Be that as it may, I don't WANT to go back to him. THere was a REASON why we broke up - we didn't work as lovers. THe sex was awful. He wasn't in love with me, and he wasn't the man I wanted him to be.
What we are now, is best friends and confidantes. No, my fiance doesn't understand it either, but if we were to break up over this friendship, it would be like breaking up with me over the fact that I have a mole on my face. It's a part of me, and has NO bearing on my relationship with my fiance.
Ok, let's talk about NYC girl now:
When I was going through university, I have SEEN more nuts and penises than I have ever slept with. For some reason, guys going through their early twenties find it pretty cool to get hammered or high and start swinging their penises around like a helicopter to any girl that happens to be in the same vicinity.
WHY am I telling you this? If she's going to a co-ed party, there's going to be a guy showing off his 'goods' before he runs to the toilet and throws up. It seems to be a party necessity, I'm sorry to say - but it doesn't mean that she did anything. Girls just aren't that turned on by male genitalia. Just think of it as the male version of a stripper popping out of a cake (except that it's not a turn-on as much as a joke).
If anything really DID happen, do you think she would actually tell you that some guy exposed his balls to her? A craftier liar wouldn't even HINT at that fact.
The reason WHY she's telling you that story is probably because she thinks you're going to laugh along with her, or even feel a little jealous (which will make her feel a little flattered). She thinks that you will react like her friends will, but she doesn't understand your feelings towards her or that boyfriends just don't like hearing this kind of stuff at all. I learnt that the hard way.
putting your paranoia aside, do you trust her? If you ask her gently and non-judgmentally whether anything ELSE happened between her and this guy, would you believe her answer? I'd like to say that you should take her words at face value, but at the same time there's 2 things at stake: your trust AND your sexual health.
So you should go ahead and have a serious conversation with her, tell her about your trust issues and how her Spring Break party has you a bit worried because you're developing feelings for her and quite frankly, you don't like another guy showing YOUR girl his genitals.
Be sure that you don't come across as accusing or judgmental. If you get over-emotional about the Spring Break, she's going to get pissed off because you're blowing the minor event into a big dramatic scandal.
At the end of the day, you WANT to have a relationship with her. Don't make it about your previous girlfriends or your paranoia. It's about YOU and HER.
As for your trust issues, if she IS honorable and the good person you believe her to be, then you have to learn how to build on it.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 hello Gman
i think you need to start building friendship before taking things further, dont just meet a girl today and think you want a serious relationship without getting to know her first. it is easy to trust a friend and if you cant build a friendship with that person know that it is going to be difficult to have that person as your gf.
and the truth is most of the girls you will end up with might not be virgins which means they had other relationships in the past, so its up to you to accept a girl with all her flaws or ditch her. i think you can agree with me that you are not as perfect as you think you are, if you can not perfect your life none of us can be perfect either, so take this as your first step in fighting back your fears, acknowledge that our lives are different and if u need a relationship you need to accept the person as they are and work on what you have otherwise you will not be able to break this pattern you have shaped your life with.
learn to give people a chance. if she cheated on you and you are having flashbacks its normal because it is expected under the circumstances. but if she had sex with someone in her past and wild imagination get in the way all the time this might be caused by your insecurities in the relationship and if it will keep on hindering you from making something good out of your rship maybe it will be good to seek counsiling. good luck
jovial
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 There is one common element in all these relationships: you. So that is where the problem is. And that is where you need to look: at yourself.
This is going to keep being a problem in relationships. Trust is an essential ingredient of a healthy relationship. If your girlfriends keep feeling that you don't trust them (or even if you do, but give of jealous / paranoid signals), then they're not going to want to be with you. Which is understandable: why would someone want to be in a relationship where they don't feel trusted?
This is tough to get past. You are clearly getting very strong emotions because of this. They are likely being fuelled by some kind of insecurity or deep fears you have. You fear that you will be cheated on, or left, or similar.
These fears are quite natural: as men we are biologically driven to want to have our 'mate' to ourselves, to keep them away from other men. It's deep behaviour that is literally in our genes. But what isn't natural is when those feelings become so powerful that we obsess over them and it destroys our relationships.
I would suggest you go to some therapy / councelling. This kind of thing is very hard to deal with on your own as you really need an objective viewpoint so you can find what is healthy / normal behaviour and what is unhealthy. When you are locked into the behaviour yourself, you lose the ability to make this distinction clearly. What you are experiencing is not very uncommon, and a good therapist will be able to help you.
Best of luck to you.
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