A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 29-year-old woman who has been dating a 40-year-old guy for over a year and a half. When we met and started dating, he had been divorced for a few months.When we first started dating, we kept it quiet because we know a lot of the same people, and with the age difference, recent divorce and the social circle we belong to, we wanted to keep our business out of the gossip realm. So when we were in public during that time, I had no problem with him being somewhat distant, casual and unaffectionate, because frankly, my dating life is no one's business. But now, close to two years later, he still borderline ignores me when we are surrounded by people or friends who not only know that we’re together, but go out with us on double dates, etc. The thing is, when we are alone or surrounded by complete strangers, he is attentive, sweet and affectionate. I have dated my share of creeps and jerks, and this man is the exact opposite. He’s supportive and generous and no one has ever made me feel smarter or more beautiful than him. We compliment each other well, and my parents love him. I have never doubted his feelings or attraction to me, but I am totally confounded as to WHY he turns cold when we are around people we know. He is never mean or demeaning and he doesn't stare at or flirt with other women, but he almost acts like he doesn’t know I am there. It’s gotten to the point where I almost cringe when I know we have to go to an event where we both know people. I have spoken to him about it, and he’s well aware of what happens and how it makes me feel. I do notice him trying to make the effort...but I can tell it is unnatural for him. For the record, I am not an overly PDA-esque person, but what gives??! He said that if I wanted him to, he would try out counseling...because his ex-wife complained of the same thing. Should I just suck it up and be grateful that he really is a good man that I am very happy with?For the record, when he is in front of his family or my family, he is awesome. It's only when its with our mutual friends or acquaintances. HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha tomorrow is perfect! :)
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2010):
 How's tomorrow?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... First, let me thank you all for taking the time to respond. When I ask my friends what they think, they (naturally) tell me things they think I wanna hear, or rip the guy to shreds. Thank you all for your candor and honesty!
Seriously, it's almost like you all know this guy. He's told me when we've talked about this that the hardest thing he had to deal with when getting divorced was that people KNEW he was getting a divorce. He says it made him feel like a failure and it killed him to know that people knew and were discussing his private business. Now these same people know about his new private business. I guess after reading your perspectives, I understand it better and feel less alone. He truly is a wonderful guy, and if this is the worst thing I have to deal with in the future of our relationship then I am lucky.
I am going to go back into this and be more understanding and relaxed about it. If I could gather you all together in a pub I would buy you a drink and toast you. You've made my day just by responding honestly :)
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 Definitely go for the counselling. If he is willing to do it, he recognises he has a problem, and he is prepared to try to deal with it, for your sake. That says a huge amount. Try out the counselling and see where it goes.
Otherwise, accept he has a major problem somewhere, but apart from that is perfect, and just learn to live with it ...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 August 2010):
 He doesn't like to feel vulnerable with strangers. He can relax and show you love when he's in a situation where he is safe. But when he's around strangers and acquittance, he turns into warrior man, alone and totally invulnerable.
Think of them romance stories. The lady is the princess and if people know you love her, they will grab her or manipulate her so they can make you weak. In chess games, the Queen is the most powerful, but you ignore her and you attack other pieces to make them seem more important. He just feels safer hiding his feelings for you from strangers. To him that's secret and private and is very close to the heart of him.
It's elemental and primordial for him. He can try to pretend, but it's only pretend, he's working on instinct and not logic about this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): It's just one of those things, I know a few guys that are like that. The fact is you know he doesn't mean to be like that, you know he's just got an illogical, irrational fear of intimacy in front of those people.
They're the people who know you both and they each know different things and experiences with you both this means they recognize patterns of behaviour, can in their minds compare things, watch how you interact and form opinions of how your relationship is panning out as compared to the last woman he was with. That's normal, they're friends but for some people that can be pretty daunting, it makes them cautious. It could for him just be a case where he doesn't want to give people things to talk about or discuss about your relationship. It's just the amount of things these people know about you means they can pick up on far more of your nuances, they understand your body language better, know if you're lying or not, basically friends are in a far better position to judge you on your actions than anyone else. Family don't judge in the same way that can effect your life because they have your best interest always in their mind. You can't say the same for all friends.
Strangers don't matter so the same doesn't apply, family matter more than friends and are part of you so in this case they don't matter either. But friends even the best of friends come and go in your life, they're the ones who he probably discussed his last relationship with, the ones who know what happened between them, his feelings, his love for her etc. Friends are the best judge of the person you are and how your relationship is going because they see it all, it can be hard to put on a 'show' of affection in front of these people because you can feel their eyes on you, even of they're not even looking. Plus it's not really nice to make a friend a third wheel anyway.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 August 2010):
Well since his previous wife complained about the same thing, I guess you shouldn't take it personally. Maybe counseling will help, maybe that's just the way he is wired. I'd say learn to live with it, he sounds like a keeper to me.
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