A
female
age
41-50,
*adgirl1979
writes:I am a married mother of two toddlers, married for 6 years. My husband and I are stuck in a viscious cycle of blame and arguing. We have a multitude of problems... mostly I think it stems from lack of good communication, and stress, but I am at a loss for how to reach him. His complaints towards me are that I don't keep the house clean enough, I don't sleep in our bed every night, and I'm always making excuses for myself. (I have two toddlers, one is really difficult and clingy, They don't sleep well at night, I am up and down all the time, and barely sleep, he doesn't get up with them, and I work two nights a week on top of that, we have no money due to two layoffs on his side, we get no help from family and friends, I am not making excuses, I am trying to show him reasons! I AM EXHAUSTED! Not to mention in the past 4 years I have had two hard pregnancies, two c-sections, bad kidney stones, chronic mastitis, post partum depression, a severe strep skin infection caused from open poison ivy being exposed to strep... AND he has on three seperate occassions given me reason to doubt him by talking online to other girls...seriously... I can't catch a break)My complaints about him is that he never appologizes, he's rude under the guise of being funny, he criticises everything I do, and has to tell me i'm wrong or i can do something better. Every idea I ever have, he responds with things like "I can't even believe you'd think that's a good idea." (an example: I suggested that we buy an inexpensive, used pedicab for personal use, and occassionally rent our services. I gave pros such as "outdoor family time, less gas and wear and tear on our car, exercise..." I have tried to get him on board for marriage counseling, but with his work schedule being that he only has Sundays off, I'm having a hard time finding anyone who can help us. He reluctantly said he would once, but since then, he says I'm forcing him into it.I'm tired of fighting, I'm not good at it, and I don't want to be... he seems to thrive on being right... it ends up with me stutterring over my words,and he ganging up on me and saying my stutterring is me thinking of a lie... I am not interested in divorce, but I am not going to live this way for the rest of my life either. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Hi Sadgirl, thank you for your update. I think the letter is a good idea, mainly because talking is turning into arguing, Put down everything you can think of, about how you are feeling. I am worried that he isn't going to want to know, he likes how it is at the moment, which is why you are getting the "what do you want me to do?" from him. I understand he is working long hours, and providing for his family, but he has to grasp that being a father is more than that, especially when the children are young, he needs to be more hands on. If you can show him you are willing to change too, and be more organised at home, i am sure that would help. In your letter suggest the chore chart ask him what jobs would he prepared to take on, it's a partnership, you both have to figure out how to make it work, it takes time to strike the right balance.
A
female
reader, sadgirl1979 +, writes (31 January 2011):
sadgirl1979 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, everyone! You all bring up great points.
Eddie 85- I think you're right about decompression time. I'm going to try and suggest that for both of us. I think he spends his day working to get home and relax, and I spend mine waiting for him to get home so I can relax. I'm going to suggest a break schedule.
Spunky Monkey- You're right. i haven't done a thing for myself lately, aside from the few hours I spend alone at night working, I am with my children. I am going to try telling him I am not interested in arguing, and walking away... I do get defensive and stutter and explain myself because I can't stand the thought of him thinking badly of me.
Vintage64- I have tried to get help. His parents live close, but they are too involved with our relationship as it is, and honestly, unless a medical emergency, I'd rather not deal with them. I'm going to look into someone from our church... maybe a college-aged girl or mother of older kids. And you're right about him being a bully. I tell him he's not funny, and he just says "you used to think so"... which is true. He is funny, but he never used to be mean towards me, and he needs limits.
Cherrie- I never used to ask him to help in the night, because I am such a light sleeper, and he is not. I would be up anyway, and he works long hours. I felt guilty. He is back to work full time now. He works very very long days, and he works very hard... the money is ok, but since he was laid off twice in 6 months (not at his fault), we are behind on all of our bills.
I have threatened to leave, and I probably would have if it weren't for my worries for my children. I'm glad I stuck it through, because I feel like we can get past all of this crap. If he ever physically cheated, it would definitely be over, and he knows that.
I'm going to start going out in the evenings when he gets home from work, I knit and sew and paint and do creative things, so I think I'm going to start a coffee shop evening with my friends... until now, all of my activities have been while he is at work, so it's all the same to him. I do want him to see that I am still my own person.
And to my last friend- A retreat weekend sounds great. I'm not sure if it's feasable for a while due to the price... but hopefully soon. I looked online and saw tons around my area. Do you have any reccomendations for how to determine which ones are good, and which are not. Seems like they all look nice, but I have heard complaints of scams, etc. ?
We had such a hard day yesterday. We argued early in the day over the phone about his attitude. He came home, and started playing guitar, then moved on to video game for a bit... my daughter wasn't feeling well, and up every five minutes screaming. I asked him to pitch in with my son, who was falling asleep. I didn't want my daughter to wake him, or get him crying too( which always happens, they are very close in age, and still both so young)
My husband just looked at me, and said "what do you want me to do!?" Within minutes, he still had done nothing, although I gave him some suggestions, my son started screaming too, and I spent the rest of the night trying to calm them both... He went to bed because he "had to get up early"
It's like he thinks since he is the one working outside the home, he deserves more sleep. This might be true to an extent. I don't have to be up at a certain time, or have a schedule to maintain, but I DO have two small little children who are up early, regardless of the time they sleep, I have to be alert and active and I can't take my eyes off of them for a second, or they'll hurt themselves... they're very typical toddlers. He seems to believe that household and child responsibilities are mine because he works... If I ask him to do anything, I am "nagging" him... *sigh*
He does have good qualities. He is gentle with the kids, and he is good about teaching them things, and playing with them. He is hardworking and humble to work at a job that is not glamorous (a big change for him. He was a professional musician when we met) in order for us to provide for our children. He is always willing to help our most troubled friends, and he is very funny when it's appropriate.
I know I have faults. I do get cluttered at home but never filthy! I am cautious of dirt and germs. I just am not great about keeping clothes folded and the kid's toys organized. I am getting better, but I know it's frustrating. It's frustrating to me too. Especially since he is the same way, but only has his things to keep track of, and I am responsible for the rest.
I also shut down when I am sad or depressed. I am medicated, and for the most part I am ok. Sometimes, however, I find it hard to be sparkling and happy. I think it would improve if I were more rested.
I am going to write him a little letter, and make an organized chart with break times and scheduled "time off" for each parent. I am also going to try to make a chore chart for the two of us, I just don't know what a fair devision of labor should be for our type of situation. He works 60-80 hours a week. I work a different type of work... but the only time I am not "on-call" is when the kids are asleep, and I go to work 2 nights a week. It's a cleaning position, so about 2 hours a night cleaning an office building.
Thank you all again for your support. I appreciate any other words of wisdom you can offer.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (31 January 2011):
 It sounds like you are overwhelmed right now with lots of things. You've got a family, your husband is probably overworked, and it sounds like you have medical issues. It certainly sounds like you need to catch a break. What you are feeling is normal. I admire your tenacity to stick to your guns in your relationship. You want this to work and you are looking for solutions -- so that is promising and you should be commended.What I think you need to do, is spend 5 minutes -- just 5 minutes each day doing something nice for each other. A shoulder massage, a long hug, a kind word -- something where you reconnect. I think this would go a long way in helping you re-bond. And it only takes 5 minutes. Each of you has to do something nice and say something nice to the other person.Also, it sounds like perhaps when he comes home from work he is bombarded by kids, your issues, and a dirty house. He needs a little "decompression" time. Whether that means he sits in the car and relaxes before coming in but he needs to recognize that he is coming in stressed out.Finally, another way to reconnect is to write him a short letter. Explain to him that you are trying, that you've had medical issues and that you love him. Keep it short and sweet and give it to him. Hopefully he'll understand and get a deeper insight into where you are at.Finally you both may want to read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". It's a good book and will offer you some advice on how to improve your marriage and understand where one another is at.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): HiI think you are tired and need to somehow take time out from listening to his rubbish....you have one thing sussed already that will help you....the fact that you do not want to waste time and energy arguing. This is actually your greatest strength....every time he tries ...walk away put music on ....ear phones and drown him out...and say you are not prepared to listen to his moaning and bad attitude anymore. As fragile as you are at this moment use your strength to 'not' argue with him...he may eventually learn to communicate properly. You are right you should not have to put up with this all your life....the stuttering you are doing is probably a nervous stress reaction. You really need to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself ...treat yourself once a week to a day out with friends and have a drink or whatever your thing is. You could also say to him right at the start of a brewing argument...your right, then put the earphones on. Don't accept his bad behaivour and that means you don't have to sit and listen to it either.Good luck and I hope you are kind to yourself....when was the last time wife and mum did something for herself?:) spunky monkey
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): You need to tell him all this, without getting into a row. I know you said you are not getting any help from family, have you asked? Is there anyone, that can have you children for a day, say a Sunday, his day off so you can spend it together alone.
When he says rude things, under the guise of being funny, tell him you find that hurtful not funny. By the sound of it he is acting like a bully, and you have to stand up to bullies.
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reader, Cherrie_StPierre  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Well you have been through the ringer havn't you...You really need to think about what your saying. He complains that you don't clean. Does he help you do any of it? He doesn't help you with the kids at night. You have no money, is he even looking for work? You have had some major health issues. Did he help you out then? he criticizes you and constantly complains. This relationship is going down the tubes and it's not going to get better if you two don't sit down and really work this out. Your also saying you want to make it work by mentioning that you are not interested in divorce. If he truly loves you, he will see that he needs to make sacrifices too. I'm not saying you should leave him, but you might want to tell him you are going to end it if you both can't communicate about these issues in an open and supportive way. If you both don't take a solid approach to rebuilding your relationship you are going to remain this way forever. He either doesn't understand or he doesn't care. The first approach I would take is to tell him that you want to feel appreciated and desirable to him and that you really just want him to do his fair share for the relationship. He needs to give you respect and support along with small tokens of affection. Then I think that instead of you trying to focus on fixing the relationship (which you have limited control over) focus on fixing yourself. Find some friends, meet new people if you can ever find time, join a support group, even a social activity?.....Anything. Don't let life bog you down. It will either make him realize what he's doing wrong or it will make him defensive and continue what he's doing, maybe even worse? However, if he loves you, he won't want you to end it and he will want the attention and affection he used to receive from you as much as you want it from him. Hopefully it will make him decide that he needs to change his ways, maybe even seek out that marriage counseling that you so obviously need. If it goes the other way and he treats you worse or cheats on you or whatever it is he is doing with these women online, then you have to realize that it is never going to work because of a lack of respect and morality on his part. I really hope you can work this out and contact me whenever you want to.
xoxoxox
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): before you go down the road of repetitive counciling, why don't you find a couples retreat weekend. these are usually Friday night, sat and sun morning events. One time deals.
They can open up all kinds of positive pathways to immediately refocus the two of you on each other and the marriage. After that, then you can relax and work on the relationship in a spirit of cooperation and MUCH more relaxed cooperation. Counciling can elevate emotions, and at first can open up a bunch of stuff that some can't process and work through. It's still important work, but it can add a load to a load...
Give each other a long weekend, at someplace nice, where one or more councilors can walk you through a focused couple of days. It's an amazing experience, and you'll be there with a few other couples. My wife and I learned more about each other in a few days than we would have in years. It was the best gift we ever gave each other!
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