A
male
age
30-35,
*ylerSage
writes:I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to fix it. Growing up, every experience I've ever had with women was bad, including my own psycho mother. A part from just being friends, women left a really bad taste in my mouth. Sometime around college I decided to just stop, it was too hurtful. Even then my best friend of 3 years at the time who I liked and the whole college thought we were a couple, plus i got the impression she liked me turned me down when i asked her to be my girlfriend. I was so confused. Being myself clearly wasn't enough for the other gender.Growing up I liked girls but I also liked guys. Now that I'm older I've recently labelled myself as a closeted gay man (technically im bi, but my interest in women is very low, like 5% out of 100%)I can't seem to move on with my gay lifestyle because I still feel an incompleteness towards women. But when thinking of women all i feel is hurt, anger, disgust, failure, doubt, stress, fear, burden, insufficiency, humiliation, disdain, not being enough, contempt....the list goes on and on and on and and on. Let's not even start with my mother. Women just seem so wicked and manipulative and men seem more sincere and nicer.Now I'm stuck. I can't commit to anyone, i can't open up to anyone, i can't come out of the closet, i can't feel comfortable at a party, i can't make friends, i can't feel compassion, im moody, im depressed, im angry, I'm anti social, i now beong told that i might even have to go to therapy because of this and i know this it what contributes to it the most. I'm just stuck in this zone but i just want to do something to move on.I want to have a relationship and sex (intimacy) with women but at the same time i don't want it. I shy away from women who show interest in me because i don't want to be with them but i do want to be with them. I want to be with men but i can't commit unless im sure about were i stand with women.Now do you see my problem? Im stagnant. I'm just this closed shell that can open up enough. I'm miserable and sincerely don't know what to do. It's like a ping pong battle in my head. Help.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 It seems that all you think about is yourself. You tar all women with one brush, maybe because of your mother maybe not. But you judge people and seem to only care about one person and that is yourself. Go to therapy and work on your issues then maybe you will start seeing the world from others point of views and not just about how you feel.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): The anonymous male reader below made an interesting observation that is quite interesting. I would also suggest that you re-read my response; because your reply indicates you may have skimmed over it and didn't actually read it fully. I didn't fault your mother or the fact that you don't get along with your mother. It remains a factor because you did in fact bring her up. No one on good terms with their mother would refer to her as psycho, sir.
When you cannot make a romantic-connection; you still have to practice attracting people by making friendly connections. The ability to attract people is a good indication that you have the potential to find a mate.
Seeing everything positive and willing in terms of "I," and all negative in terms of everyone else; tells me still, the issue lies with you. It's not that women don't want you. You can't accept the fact you are not attracted to them, and that's the vibe they receive from you. True you can't force them to like you; but you can't force yourself to be attracted to them, if you're not.
Women don't just dislike or bypass an eligible single guy without any cause or reasoning. You claimed to have covered all ground as far as your character and personality; but there is no logic or sense to the fact you have never secured a relationship with a woman. Unless there is something about you that you refuse to see.
Most often, people subconsciously put-up a wall between them and others. They repel people who try to get close for whatever reasons. They may even sabotage any attempt someone may make to really get to know them on intimate terms. Putting up defenses and faulting other people for not liking them.
That's why I recommend therapy, because if you can't see the problem, it may be that you refuse to. If you are as enlightened and attractive as you claim to be, it defies logic that you cannot connect with a woman under any circumstances. The planet is populated with billions of people. You're bound to connect with someone without even trying. That's just human nature and life.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (27 September 2016):
TylerSage is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the detailed responses guys. I have responses for you both.@singinbluebird I don't think i support your answer, it's just not that simple. When i was younger i liked girls just as much a guys but because of the constant let down by women my interest was forced to be shifted. I feel like I never had the choice to confirm my sexuality, i was just forced into gayness by default and as a result live with the constant uncertainty about what i really want and who i really am. It's like i never got the chance to sit the "girl exam" because i was sick that day and when i went to school the next day i was automatically placed in a "gay college" and all i can do is think about is if this placement is just? Do I really belong here? How can i find a way to do that test so i can make sure that gay college is for me? I feel cheated in a sense.As for @wiseowle I should have mentioned that the relationship with my mother did not lead to my plight with women even thought that's the first thing i should have figured people would say. I strongly believe it doesn't stem from my mother. Maybe i shouldn't have mentioned her. It's purely a coincidence. I'm constantly surrounding myself with the concept of positive thinking. I have positive apps on my phone, i meditate, practice the law of attraction, you name it but this "thing" seems to have a huge hold on me. I can conquer other things easily in life but this.....its just different. You can't buy a relationship. You can't buy intimacy. You can't force someone to like you or want you and i feel like I've never been wanted by women. I've never been desired by them. Even though I'm told im good looking, kind, pleasant, laid back. I can throw on the charm if i want to i can even be the life of the party sometimes. It makes me even more confused as to what the problem is. The very few people i told find it hard to believe. They automatically assume im some sort of player, scoring all the women everywhere i go. At the end of the day no matter what a guys problem is may it be confidence, being weird, nerdy, cocky, the jock, there's always some girl out there who wants him just as he is and he wants her too. That just never happened with me. Even when you mentioned that you had sex with women in the past it made my stomach churn. I can't explain how just listening to a song about love or sex on the radio makes me feel. I feel like a loser who can't relate the common world. The fact that you didn't like it isn't want what make be feel queasy like I'm about to ask soneone to the prom. Its the fact that you got to officially try girls and confirm that you didn't want to be with them. I barely got the opportunity to pick. But now it's not as simple. It's kind of like i have a strong mental block that i just can't seem to over come. It hurts so deeply.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): I am surprised how many times you have used the term I in your post. Maybe that is the problem.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (26 September 2016):
 You're a gay man. Accept it. I can tell you DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH WOMEN sexually or intimately but that you want to be accepted by them. You want to be accepted as a gay man, as who you are, as you are meant to be, as a son, a brother, a friend and that is ultimately your struggle. My advice start meeting women as friends. I can say this, we WOMEN NEED GAY MEN and GAY MEN NEED US. We are so familiar to each other, our attraction to men, our need and appreciation for beauty and exquisiteness, luxury, humor, and emotional closeness. There are so many great wonderful gay men out there who enrich women's lives daily. Never take your life for granted, because of you there is a woman out there will wake up smiling because she cant wait to tell her friend about her special day ahead. You just have to find her and make her your best friend. One of the loves of my life is my brother who is gay. He doesnt know how special he is to me, how wonderful he is, how amazing and hardworking and giving he is. Hes the brother who will tell me if Im crossing the line and tell me GIRL GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER and yet hes also the guy who is always there for me. I also love gay men's appreciation for men. After all, some women feel like they are gay men inside lolSo get out there. Be yourself. Be funny. Be who you are and the the girls around will notice you. They want to be your friends. They want to appreciate you and talk about life, boys, adventure. You just have to be yourself and open up. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): Your disdain towards women seems to be a projection of how you really feel about your mother. Your problem seems more to rest with you, than with women. On top of that, being so angry at your mother; has probably distorted your perception of women in general.
This anger and misogynist attitude shows, and women are naturally very perceptive. They can detect it. They will either manipulate you through your dysfunction, or will avoid you altogether. You don't know how to behave around, or with them; so naturally you have no luck with them. Your mind is churning and judging them harshly before you allow yourself to make any type of positive connection. Recalling all the bad events, or having flashbacks; and not being optimistic enough to have higher expectations for the present or future. That's on you, so own it.
Women are so wonderful, it is very difficult to live life and not find one who works her way into your heart and lets you into hers. They're special and magical in that way. Even being gay, I have lady-friends that I simply cannot survive without having them in my life. They bring out the best in you, and make you want to be a better person. God made them to be that way. That's why they were chosen to have a womb and bring forth life.
Of course the difference here is, I started out sexually with women before men. I realized I couldn't connect with women emotionally/sexually the same as I can with men. The male form attracts me more. Although women still can turn my head. Go figure! I'm not bisexual. I know for sure.
You need the therapy to deal with your feelings towards your mother, and what damage she has done to you emotionally.
Once that is sorted out, I think you'll love yourself more. It always comes down to how we feel about ourselves before we can love, or be loved, by other people. Your mother probably destroyed your self-esteem, bullied, or belittled you. Her abuse carried-over into your adulthood, and that has made it difficult in relating to women.
My mother was a wonderful woman. In my eyes, the greatest mom on the planet. I've inherited a lot of her traits and personality, but I'm still very much attracted sexually and emotionally to men. Hating your mother doesn't necessarily make you homosexual. Most gay men I know are closer to their mothers than to their fathers.
I grew-up with both parents, and I can't choose one over the other. I love them so much! If forced to, I'd give my life to save my mother first. Sorry, dad!
I would say 5% is not a very high percentage of attraction to women; and I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are really gay. Closeted perhaps, but still gay.
You cannot connect emotionally with either gender; mainly because of your issues from your family dysfunction and childhood abuse. Don't you dare blame that on women. You've met a few who were incompatible, or uninterested. You can't condemn their entire gender for the few you've known.
Truth is, you are not sexually-attracted to women, and by forcing yourself against your predominate-attraction for men. You are blaming them for the fact you really can't feel emotionally-attracted or sexually aroused by them like a heterosexual. Been there, but never done that. So you claim they've all been terrible to you. I don't believe that. Not one bit. I don't believe you've been entirely nice to them, if you think as you do.
Therapy will help you to come to terms with all of this maladjustment. One thing is for certain. Your sex-drive will cure your issue regarding your desire to be with men. A hot guy will come your way, and you will toss all your nonsense aside.
All those complex self-induced social-disorders you've surrendered yourself to, will be knocked aside by passion and animal-magnetism. You're just too closed-minded and mad at the world to enjoy life. You see life only through your problems and hate. No therapist can change your outlook. That my friend, is left up to us by free choice. Your pursuit of love and happiness is in your own hands. It evades you, because you're not ready for it.
I played that same silly little closet-game with myself. I wanted to be only attracted to women; because I was able to have sex with them. I even wanted marriage and children, but I finally realized it was all self-deception. The fear of not conforming to the demands of society or religion; and fear of rejection from my family. That was all in my head, not in reality. As you will learn for yourself.
I don't mean to insult you; but you're a little arrested in your psychological-development as far as your sexual-identity. That, or in complete denial of who you are.
Therapy will be a tremendous help, and it will remove all that anger that is piled on top of the love for who you are. Women would really love you and you'd love them, once you can come to terms with things buried deep within you.
You only did it to cope with life, and to survive. All human beings do that, some need help to break-free of their demons. Most of us are able to do it on our own.
In the meantime, relax. Don't worry about who you are attracted to the most. Make friends regardless of gender, based on character and mutual respect. If a relationship can grow from that, take baby-steps. Don't rush or push, you need the therapy first to move some of the roadblocks out of your way. You must love TylerSage first. Deep down inside, you love your mother too. You hate how she has hurt and mistreats you.
Good luck, my friend!
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