A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There have been many posts like this I'm sure, but I'll share with you my story anyway.It's Christmas, and I had promised myself that by this time, I would have lost my virginity, well, I haven't.My entire life, from my earliest childhood memory, I've felt inadequate, and had low self-esteem, my family never understood this and they still don't, they care for me and love me but they think also that I'm lazy and not wanting to take care of myself which is untrue.At my middle school prom I finally plucked up the courage to ask this girl to the final dance, she gave me a horrifying look and screamed in terror as she fled the dance floor, so did her fat friend, that moment scarred me emotionally and I decided right then, that girls just aren't attracted to me.Then I got even more depressed and turned to pornography, drugs, and self-mutilation (when I eventually do sleep with a girl I'll have to explain these lovely scars all over my torso), I've quit drugs and self-mutilation for some time now.I've screwed up job interviews, prevented potential relationships and friendships all because of this fear of women plus my feelings of inadequacy, everytime I see a woman, no matter who, I feel this feeling of disapproval towards myself, like I don't deserve them until I get rid of this feeling.I've tried meditation and gone through self-help programs and seen psychiatrists but none of those things have actually helped me to dissolve these issues, I know the self-esteem issues were there long before the sex issues but my poor experience with women greatly contributed to it.I had a couple girlfriends for a week when I was 17, before they cheated on me and dumped me, that was my first experience, and I was so desperate for physical contact because I'd never kissed a girl, that I just wanted to kiss them all the time, this happened recently with a date I had with an older woman (20+ years my senior, I got lucky there) I was so glad just to be there kissing her....she blew me off for the second date though, which I'm still struggling to get over.Now I'm just fed up of women ignoring me, I'm a good person, I'm talented and good looking (and people always remind me of this) so I ask myself why haven't I found a girl who can see that? because I don't see it myself?I don't want to wait for the "right girl" because who knows how long I'll have to wait? I'm already 25, I've been wanting to lose my virginity since I was 12, when all my friends were already having sex (I'm the only virgin I know), I'm at university now and still having trouble because of my lack of social skills and there are girls I do like but I have a bad feeling whenever I see them like, I feel guilty for liking them because I'm dirty and I'm missing something, like I'm an alien or something.I'm contemplating getting over this stigma by paying for a prostitute, I'm getting over the moral and social objections to doing so...I don't care anymore, for too long my life and all of my problems have revolved around the subject of sex, one time I heard my flatmates having sex and I got so freaked out that I started shaking and ran out of the house to calm down.I just don't think I could find a girl that would understand what I'm going through and help me to learn how to have sex or make love, ever since arriving to the UK I've found women more shallow and cold than they were where I used to live.I don't know what to do guys, but I think, if I don't lose my virginity by the new year, I'm gonna pay for it, I'm already 25, I don't want to promise myself, "another year, just wait it out"....if it doesn't happen now it's never gonna happen.
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cheated on me, christmas, depressed, drugs, flatmate, kissing, lost my virginity, porn, prostitute, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for your advice, I lost my virginity to a great girl, once I decided to move on and didn't care about sex anymore it happened, I can't believe I even thought about sex like I used to.
A
male
reader, G!  +, writes (7 April 2011):
Dear whosoever you are!I am 25+. Studying in UK. Staying alone. Extrovert and Outgoing. I won't talk shit, but looks are definitely to my advantage. I have plenty of female friends, and have had some clear 3-4 opportunities of losing my virginity in the past 6 months or so, and they were not even prostitutes, but they were not the one I love. At times I feel like I am living in a world of illusion where there's no such thing as love, and sex is all that matters. But for me, its love first and then sex (old school and orthodox, i know). Somewhere deep inside I believe that I will surely find a good virgin girl for myself, and I keep telling this to myself every time I feel down and out. I admit that my outlook is a bit over-optimistic given the present day scenario. But that's how I keep myself confident and high. Where you have waited for so long, I am sure you can wait for some more time until you find "the one" you are looking for. Losing your virginity to a pros is just a desperate measure which might help you to gain initial confidence, but you will repent it later. I exactly know what you are going through. It becomes immensely difficult to handle the pressure at times, specially when you are a guy. But you can take my word here: "Virginity is the best gift you can give to the one you Love."If you are a one-woman-man and have faith in yourself, you will find your girl. There are many people in their late 20's and some even in their early 30's who stay virgin waiting for the right person. But not everybody expresses it and they fear revealing it to the world.Nobody knows your sexuality better than you. You take chose to take the extreme measure only if you have doubts on yourself. It is very easy to be swayed by the people and be carried away with the flow, but its hard to show your character outright and maintain self-control. Don't give up and keep the search on.A final word of advice: Your virginity should be your strength, don't let it be your weakness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Go ahead and do it. Read the review sites and find one who looks like a girl you had a major crush on.
Once you get that albatross off your neck, you will see things a lot differently.
Just be careful it doesn't become a habit since you can easily fall into that trap.
Let go of your doubts and regrets and you will be a better person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Best case I've ever read, Im 21, Im a girl and Im still virgin. It’s little boring cuz All guys around me have had sex with a lot of girls and that really makes me insecure. you know, I want my first time to be something really cool, something that Im gonna remember my whole life and I expect the persons is with me take it serious too. I just dont want it to be another laid for him.
I’ve been thinking these days that it will be cool to be with some guy who’s a virgin as well as I do. But finding a guy like that is extremely hard. When I read about you I just couldn’t believe that you are considering to pay a prostitute. I mean, guys like u are hard to find and u should be aware of that. Some people are stupid and they only looking for empty sex. You’ll find someone soon, and don’t yourself terms. I have tried that too. In deed my friends always bother me about my virginity and they say that 2010 was the year where it will happen. We even make a toast. But I don’t really think these Is the year, I’m very good looking and I have many guys after me but I just don’t feel like one of them is trustworthy. I tried on dating services and I’ve met many guys, guys that really worth it. The problem is I’m too far away from them, and they from me. So I’ve decided to wait. Take It calm, after all there’s bigger problems in life to deal with. Not having sex was a decision I finally did when I started to date guys and found many opportunities to have them in my bed. I know what I want now and I feel happy about me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): dude?
what is this?
y are u being impatient for??
owh yeah, i forgot, u havent had any sex..
ill say this once coz im probably never gonna see this post again coz i jus happen to bump into this page while searching for a university for prostitution in india, but heck, why'cha gotta go n spoil the thrill. being desperate dosent help u know. dont gather all the courage you have like the one they usually do in the romance novel or story, take ur time. the most important thing u need to realise is that the world is round, sky is green n yeah, girls do grow on trees. they are lots of em. u probably look nothing like american actors or korean cuties, but trust me when i say , they are sick girls that like you. take in anyway u want to. offended, disgusted , heck, im not gonna giv a tut..
take some time off, go some wer where shit only happens in toilet, take a deep breath n go find ur self a life,, dont try.... jus do. deep breath,, n do,, cheers mate!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): I am confused? I seems to me you have based your decision on your favorite response from the anonymous 28/12/09? If I understand the post correctly this person is talking about love integrity and self worth. This person is admiring you for resisting the peer pressure and seeing the beauty of who you are and not what you do for anybody else’s ignorance.
At this point you are right with your decision because I believe you will search the world until you find the answer YOU want to hear or you will interpret the answer you want to hear. This is the only way you are going to learn and perhaps this is your fate as it was my fate and weakness to learn the hard way. If I had the strength to listen to my soul and not the rest of the world, as the anonymous reader is describing according to MY interpretation, my whole life would be different today. However, if it were not for this negative experience I would not have the wisdom to help people like you or at least try.
Please let me know how you feel after your experience and if you need to talk I will still be here to listen.
Good Luck my friend.
Tony
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat last answer was the best I've read yet, all of you I appreciate your advice but the anonymous from 28/12/09, Thank You so much...
I've decided to not go for a prostitute, I've given up on local women here in the UK and I have met some foreign girls before that are sooo nice, and gentle, really feminine energy, so I'm gonna save up to go abroad and meet someone there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): You know, I think part of the problem with this world in general, is the pressure we put on each other to have sex. It's become fierce for women, but it is absolutely detrimental for men. Please understand, it is extraordinarily rare to find a MALE individual, such as yourself, who has managed to be true to his HIGHER self, even in spite of yourself (which explains your self-destructive behaviors). I think a large percent of us, men and now women as well, just go with their more base instincts, with little consideration for a) their mental/internal wellbeing, and b) the wellbeing of the other person.
I know I may not be making my point as well as I could. I just know, looking back at my experience, that if I could have had more trust in the beauty of what is within me, at the age of 22, when I was still a virgin, and had been less desperate to gain someone else's albeit superficial and purely physical approval of me, being unwilling as I was to grant it to myself, I might not have gotten mixed up with the wrong men, or stumbled into the variety of really stupid, hurtful situations that I did. Now, a man has come along in my life who I truly love, and who truly loves me, and sex is what I never imagined it could be. I've had what I thought were good sexual encounters prior to this, but this has made me realize that finding real love blows everything else totally out of the water. I say: first and foremost love yourself and be completely certain that there is nothing wrong with you, because there isn't. There's something BIG TIME wrong with society, NOT YOU. You are a rare jewel. Continue to develop yourself from within, and disregard, as much as possible, the world's messages that you should do this or that, or that you shouldn't be a virgin at 25 or whatever. Consider that in most of the world's religions, sex outside of the sanctity of marriage (but let's just say, love), goes against what God has intended for us. There is a REASON for that, I have truly discovered. I wish more than anything that I had saved myself for what I have now found. None of the sexual experiences I've had up til now (and like I said, there were some I thought were just great), have been worth it AT ALL.
I'm wishing you all the best, and sympathizing with what you say about women. Kissing is one of the most wonderful things in the world. More women and men should know its amazing magic. Trust deeply in yourself, and in your worth, and turn a deaf ear to the misguided world around you. With confidence, the deep and real variety, not the cracker-jack variety people try to sell you, you'll attract to you a woman worthy of receiving you. Please keep these things in mind, and do not be so awfully hard on your precious self.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): You really take this subject w/being a virgin way too seriosly. It's really not that much of a deal for women, unless they are goofy teenagers who you don't want anyway.
Some women actually will find it very touching and cute. Older women especially. They don't have to be so much older like 20 years, but may be 10-15.
My husband when he stared his sexual activities was already well into his 20's, and mostly they were women who were much older than him. He picked them up every where, like GYM was the best place, where u can find a women in her 30's in a great shape.Also bars w/ older patrons, not kiddie bars.And then he met me, and I was a virgin, 8 years his younger, but he already was experienced.
Just want to tell u it's really not that big of a deal, everyone gets rejected, some 10000's of times until they find that only one. I wish you look at the situation w/good humor and not get so very much upset.
I think it's not a very good idea to have your friend go to bars and introduce u as a virgin, hoping that some girl will say yes. Pretty pathetic actually.
Good luck, age matters nothing. Have fun w/you virgin life while it lasts
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Your biggest problem is not your virginity, it is your friends. Your current friends are ignorant, that's why you are reaching out to strangers on the net.Let me tell you how it is because I know what it is like to be in conflict with your ego:You have already decided you are going to do this. You know it is wrong and you know it will not help your real problem but your curiosity wants it so bad. This is why you are reaching out for help, in hope to confirm your desires. It is obvious you are fighting the advise given.So the way I see it you have two choices:1. Lie to your ignorant friends and tell them you did it and it was great and become the guy who couldn't get a girl so he had to buy one, ( beep!! new problem!), or2. Do it, tell you friends you did it and then lie to them and tell them how great it was; you will also have to lie to yourself to be convincing.PS Don't go for a cheap one, the exspensive ones really know how to act, that will help you with your story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've approached women, hundreds....in the end I was expecting rejection because I got rejected everytime, that's why I don't approach women or do pickup stuff anymore.I'll ask some of my friends if they'd be willing to do that thing you said at the bar, but only one knows that I'm a virgin and the rest will find out, I don't know how they will react, and I already know how most people in university feel about adult virgins by the way they talk about it, shallow c__ts....I'll get on with my life and wait a couple months to see if the situation improves. if it doesn't I'm going for it, I really don't want to be a virgin at 26.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): First of all - you are not the only one who is an older virgin. There are many many more people than you realise who are mid-late 20's and still have not had sex.I am 26, and I am still a virgin too, although not through choice, more through circumstance and not finding the right man who I have been prepared to be so intimate with. And yes, I totally understand what you are going through. It is more frustrating than anyone can ever describe, and consumes you both physically, mentally and emotionally.The emotional turmoil, pain and anguish that this situation causes is often more than you can bear. It consumes your entire life, until it is the only thing you can think about, the only thing in your head, and everything boils down to the lack of love, intimacy and experience you have in comparison to everyone else about you. I know how this feels. I know how hard it is seeing your friends - all your friends, being happy as couples, getting married, having children.I also know how hard it is to try and "pretend" like you are the same as everyone else, and not as inexperienced as you feel. Ive also felt the abuse and the social stigma that is attached to being an older virgin - it really isnt nice being called "frigid" or "lesbian" because you are not out shagging every man you meet. Its not "cool" to be an older virgin - yet its perfectly ok in society to lose it when you are 14 and to be a single teen mother- go figure.But there is nothing wrong with you. All you lack is confidence in yourself. Same as me.So, go out, try new hobbies, talk to women you meet. At the bus stop, say hello to them. Small little things. But please dont pay for a prostitute. The first time you have sex you will remember for ever - do you want that memory to be with someone you paid? Please hang in there just a little bit longer. I know its difficult, I am there in the same situation, but it is better than throwing it away with a brash decision. I know how desperate you can feel on a bad day. There are days when I wonder what on earth the point is, and I wish the ground would swallow me up so I dont have to feel so lonely. Totally and utter desperation. The future looks black and you can see no hope that the situation is ever going to change. You think to yourself, "why would anyone want me - I might as well just give up now". Thats what I was thinking yesterday. And then I cried my eyes out.Why is doing it with a prostitute going to change the situation? It may work the once, but it isnt magically going to alter the rest of it. YOU are the only one who can do that (and I should take my own advice here). So, start the new year afresh, with a new outlook. Every day make the effort to talk to one new girl, even if it just someone at the shop to say hello to. You will find someone, as will I, but you just have to keep going. I would much rather have a nice, friendly, witty and intelligent man, over a sexually confident one any day. A good relationship is not just built on sex, you have to have communication and a connection. You will find someone lovely, just have a bit of faith.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Oh yeah, about the pickup community. I wouldn't stay in it. They tell you to approach tons of girls, and I don't think that's right for you. After you've lost your virginity, just work on being a cool guy.
Start conversations with people, and let them know that they are cool and that you like them (if you don't, do your best to convince yourself)
See the good in others, and that they are just like you
Enjoy life and have fun
Be gracious to others
Don't be afraid to appear (naturally) confident
Take care of your appearance
Build your future. Move toward your goals
Be dependable
All the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Ok, here's a plan:
Get some cool friends. If they aren't cool, go to a pickup community group, and choose some cool guys
Ask them to help with your fashion
Ask them to go to a bar and to ask all the attractive (enough) girls, 'Would you ever sleep with a virgin?' 'Yeah? We have a friend who wants to lose his virginity. He's a cool guy. He's just over there. Do you want to...?
A fair percentage will say 'Yes'
Voila!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get what you're saying guys, but I have spent all of my energy on becoming a better person, yet I still feel this anxiety around women and I don't think it's gonna go away until I experience physical intimacy.
Women are turned off by lack of confidence and insecurity, so obviously I need to have sexual confidence in order to overcome that, but without experience, how do you propose I attain this?.
I'll think more carefully about this, but it's become too much for me now, I can't stand the emotional pain attached to the subject of sex, and I can't help but think I am inadequate and wouldn't find a woman that would be ok with me being a virgin, down-to-earth girls like that are hard to find especially in this country.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): Stop putting time limits on your life!! You will never find what you are looking for by waiting for someone else to close a chapter in you book. It's your book you finish it. Pray that by the end of the year you will find an avenue to start woking on your social skills. Spend all your energy becoming a better person not concluding your sexual status. No, it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it! The right person will come along when you least exspect it not when you are waiting for it.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I think you need it.
Good luck!
Tony
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): No prostitute enjoys her job, unless she is not well mentally. So, don;t kid yourself if you pay more you are going to have a hooker that will really enjoy your company. They all do it for only one reason- money!.
You have a lot of fear based on your early experiences, which causes a lot of insecurity. Women sense it immediately, and no confidence in men is a huge turn-off.
Remember one thing-a world around you only as you see it.
You don't have to wait for the special girl to have sex with, most guys don't. It can be casual but very nice for both of you. I don't know how to teach you to become confident, but that's what u really need to do to get some confidence. Good luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): I have read very good advice from other replies. Now it's up to you to decide. I am sure with all this good information you are still confused? I encourage you to post again with your decision and how you have arrived at it. It would be a good idea to confirm your thoughts with others; wpeople that care about someone that is going to make a decision that may affect the rest of their life.
Good Luck
Tony
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input guys.
Frank, I'm familiar with some of your videos but I resolved not to buy anymore programs dude, I've spent too much money on trying to "fix" myself.
I don't like loud places because I find it hard to talk to people there, I've tried speed dating with no luck, most of the girls were drunk anyway or didn't believe in a guy with a good nature like me, I might try it again in the future though.
As far as friends go I don't really have any, the ones that do don't really understand my situation and asking them to set me up would sound desperate, I know that sounds ironic considering that I'm contemplating being with a prostitute.
I'll have a think about it, but I don't want to wait another 25 years, I'm already worn out emotionally by all this and I want this painful chapter of my life to be over.
Maybe a lucky girl will come my way by new years...
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A
male
reader, sp0307 +, writes (25 December 2009):
Hello
I cant tell you what to do or what not to do ..... but ive gone through the thing you are thinking of doing and im younger than you.
I 2 have never had a girlfriend or got any female attention at all so i slept with a prostitute when i was 20. I was horrified and didnt want it to happen again yet it did .. several times .... and i feel so bad about it.
Each time i thought i learned a lesson but my lonliness coupled with me hating university just drove me to do it again. Howeever i did learn alot from it and know what i want in life.. a loving relationship. But it still bothers me where im going to find this as it has never happend to me before.
Also after each time i did it i never enjoyed myself and always felt unhappy and dissatisfied (even cried a couple of times).
It's been a month since ive seen one again and im very happy about this as during that time ive just been happy but recently ive been thinking of it again but its been different form the other times. Before when i wanted to see one i had this strong urge to do it and just went... but now its liek i think about it but think oh nothing there or dont feel a strong urge anymore which im happy with but cant explain!
Well im still unhappy after doing this.. and still lonely so it hasn't helped me there... but its a lesson in life i needed but its up 2 u hope this helped u understand the process (well kinda).
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 December 2009):
 This exact thing was discussed here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-am-25-a-virgin-and-never-kissed.html
I did a special seminar for adult male virgins such as yourself. My advice is NOT to pay for it for your first time. It may satisfy the physical hunger, but it will never satisfy the emotional hunger.
The negative repercussions include using escorts as a crutch (so you never learn to be with a woman (unpaid) in a "real" relationship). That means that when the time comes that you are actually with a woman that likes you for you...you will be just as lost as to what to do to make a connection with her, as you are right now REGARDLESS of how many escorts you had sex with.
You can hear previews for free at
http://www.franktalks.com
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (25 December 2009):
 Cerberus' advice is good. Don't do this on the cheap and try to spend 45 minutes with someone who advertises in the back of your local paper. That will leave you feeling worse than before. If time and budget allow then consider the option of going to Thailand or even coming to China for a week or two, I can guarantee that you would have a positive experience and would return home a changed man. Whatever you choose to do please remember that working girls are girls too and treat them with respect and kindness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): Go for it, I mean if this is bothering you so much then just do it. It's not gonna solve all your problems but it will answer some questions.
Save up a bit of money though and go for an expensive one that will spend the night with you somehwere of your choosing, do a bit of research and find a good one, not some junkie on the side of the street.
The reason i think you should save up and make it an all nighter is so you feel what it's like to be in the company of a woman for the night and having sex. Prostitute sex is very mechanical and loveless especially if you just have her for the hour, but if you pay for a full night then you get hold this woman and talk to her, ask her things about women and learn to be comfortable in intimate situations with women.
Plus paying good money decreases the likelihood that she's only doing that kind of work out of desperation, expensive, well paid hookers tend to enjoy their job on the most part.
There are no moral implications to her kind of job, if she enjoys that kind of work then fine, the only moral implications are if they're forced into that kind of work, but that's the same for any kind of job.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): I turn 25 in 3 weeks and i lost my virginity 2 weeks ago - i partly regret it because it wasn't with the right guy but then i also was happy as i felt like i'd got rid of this thing that had been haunting me. The only down side to the way i lost my virginity is that i now carry this shame about how and who i lost my virigity to - normally people are in some form of commited relationship whether days, weeks, months or years. I wasn't - it was a one night stand. I can't even talk to anyone because i feel like they will judge me for being so stupid and seemingly desperate. I would say don't go for a prostitute because although you may just get it over and done with - think of the story you would like to tell future partners as to how you lost your virginity. I paid for sex - yeah :( I think try internet dating, go out and party, join some clubs, try speed dating and even get some of your friends to hook you up with a few dates - i know that is the slow way of doing things but you may find more self worth doing it that way rather than paying. I used to cut myself too - i have scares on my arms which sometimes cause me shame but i try to think of them as battle scars, i over came the worst and i am okay - you don't harm anymore, that is a big step even in itself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you decide to pay - make sure you use protection. I know i'm being a bit judgemental towards prostitution but really i am just thinking of the effects it may have on you and ofcourse, being england prostitution is illegal so you could also end up potentially with a conviction. I really hope things turn out for you - i hope you wait, just a little longer and try to put yourself out there more. If you are willing to chance a prostitute then perhaps think about taking some other safer chances in your life
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