A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, recently my best friend of 4 years and I started dating and it's great. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, and she feels the same, and it's so nice. The only problem is, I haven't been turned on around her since we first started talking about getting together. We've been dating for a few months and we started getting physical a couple weeks ago. Since it's her first real girl on girl relationship, she was nervous at first, so it was just me getting her off and stuff. But last weekend she told me she was ready. So things got heated pretty quick, but not really for me. In my last (and first) relationship, everything turned me on basically. Like neeck kissing among other things. But when she kisses my neck or whatever, I don't get a shock of electricity through me, it's like I don't feel anything at all. And I couldn't get off from her, it didn't even really feel all that great. I feel terrible because I honestly love her, and I am attracted to her. But is there something wrong with me? I get turned on when we're away from each other but when we're together and in the moment I don't feel anything. Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe it is a dominance thing, because in the beginning when we talked about sexual things, she acted aggressive and more dominant, which I like. But when it really came down to it, she was kind of, not that it wasn't "special", but boring. Maybe I just need to talk to her, like you, like i see it, said. If I tell her things I like maybe it'll be better for us.
If this doesn't help, and I do love her, do I just deal with not exhilarating sexual encounters for the rest of my (hopefully) life? Ugh.
Thanks for the help!
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 July 2015):
 It sounds like your last partner perhaps had more experience with girl-on-girl relationships than your new partner does. Think back to your first time with a woman and how it might not have come naturally to you - i.e., you were probably a more skilled lover later on in that relationship than during your very first intimate encounter. I'm guessing your current girlfriend is either totally inexperienced when it comes to sex or is used to pleasing male partners, which naturally is a totally different skill set than pleasing a woman. At 27 I've had my share of male partners and am very comfortable with my own body but if I ever wanted/tried to pleasure another woman I'd need quite a bit of coaching to make it good for her; even knowing what *I* myself like wouldn't be enough because no two women are quite the same in this regard.
The best advice that I can give you is to communicate openly with your partner about what you like and how you like it. Don't push her to do something she doesn't want or isn't ready for, obviously, but don't be afraid to offer gentle corrections on technique. The kindest and most tactful way to encourage her to do something one way versus another is to positively reinforce things you enjoy from her, i.e. "I really love it when you trail your lips across my breasts" or "That's it, kiss me right there." If she's doing something that doesn't feel good, a simple "Easy... I'm sooo sensitive there!" keeps the mood playful but (hopefully) gets your point across.
As far as not being turned on by her when you are together, try mixing things up the next time you see her. Talk in detail about what you want to do to and with her but don't actually touch her (and don't allow her to touch you.) Don't do anything sexual if you can resist it. The time after that, same thing. Talk about what you want to do with her but don't do any of it. Then watch her touch herself, or let her watch while you pleasure yourself (this has the added benefit of allowing her to see how you like to be touched.)
THEN the next time try full sex (I'm assuming that's what you two tried the time you didn't get off) and see how it goes...
If you find after a few encounters that *nothing* about them turns you on, the chemistry may be lacking. Sex may not get you off every time, but you should at least be feeling desire for it when you start kissing and undressing. If you don't feel anything at all, that's a sign that something is lacking compatibility-wise... and as much as you may love her, it will pose a serious problem in your relationship over the long term because one or both of you won't be satisfied.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 July 2015):
 I think the electric feelings you've had before was due to novelty. Experienced people would not feel the magic time and time again. It does not mean anything is wrong. I can not talk about lesbian sex and can't relate to it. I don't even know if you had actual sex.
It's possible that she's inexperienced and clumsy in her movements and you were used to experienced and more aggressive people. Maybe you are turned on by dominant girls.
Some people also say that it's hard to convert a long term friendship into a sexual one.
Sexual technique can be taught and she can gain confidence. The thing you have to worry about is chemistry because for attraction there are several kinds. You can be emotionally attracted to her, find her pretty, but one element is missing.
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