A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i need advice!! i have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now, since 9th grade. It was going strong all along, head over heels in love. recently, i hung out with an old flame, we hit it off. turns out we both still have feelings for each other. he is with a long term girlfriend as well. my guy does know we get together every-so-often, but not as often as we really do. my old flame and i have gotten very close, but we both feel lost at what to do. we both feel connected and almost even in love with each other, like we can really be ourselves around each other. we both feel we are different people around our significant others as well, like were putting on a show in a way. i have now been feeling smothered in a way by my guy. he is so needy right now. i am going to college 3/4 time and working full time as well, he only goes to college, no job yet (i know, i know, slacker, huh?). my old flame is very motivated, working, going to school in the fall. of course, everyone has their flaws, he's not perfect. i feel such a stronger connection with him than my current guy. when me and my current first met, he encouraged me to wear less makeup and take out some earrings and dress differently. i was so head over heels in love, i jumped at the idea of his approval. i was fine with it until i met up with my old flame again. now i feel i changed myself too much, and i haven't had a chance to develop as a person in our relationship. my family notices when i get together with him, i am very different. we hang out in my room versus with my family because he is a little anti-social. it never really bothered me before, but my old flame gets along with my family so much better. i have been talking to some close friends and of course they say it's okay to look and find yourself before you settle down. my significant is still head over heels for me and i keep telling him it's just me being so stressed why im distant. i just feel like i am failing, wasting 5 years, if we don't work out. i know it's not true, we shared alot together that was not a waste of time, i just cant help but feel that. i am worried, though, that if i do break it off with him, to figure things out at least, my old flame will decide he's gonna stay with his significant. i know i cant let that make my decision. i think i am worried about being single. i also fear if me and my current were meant to be, i would have just totally wrecked it by leaving him, even if only for a break to his knowledge. i need major advice, i feel horrible about seeing my old flame and falling for him while in my current relationship, but i feel i can't show my current true affection anymore without thinking of my old flame. i also know it's not fair to drag either person on, my old flame, my current, or myself. i just don't know what to do. i don't want to wreck something that's supposed to be, but i want to really feel it when im affectionate towards him (he's been starving for affection lately too, cuz ive been semi-avoiding it cuz i don't feel it). any suggestions or stories would help greatly, thanks everyone for taking the time! --------[Mod note: In the future, please write your question with paragraphs and a capital letter at the beginning of each sentence, to make it more reader friendly for all users/aunts. Thank you for your understanding]
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): No offense but I wouldn't call an 8th grade boyfriend an old flame. You guys are older and like each other so there is no problem there. As far as what to do, well each one of you have to decide who you like better, the ones you are with or each other. So, ask the new guy flat out, "Do you want to break up with your girl to give us a try?". If he says yes, then the decision is yours. But I would say if you cannot stay away from new guy then you might as well pull the trigger anyway on you and your boyfriend. And face the fact that you could end up by yourself for now. But I guess you wont know unless you try.
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