A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi..this is driving me nuts and I reeeeeallly need to get some sound advice. My mum and dad haven't had a great relationship in forever now. He cheated on her once, I think she forgave it. His family didn't treat her too well and he didn't stick up for her(They had an arranged marriage). Then so many years later, he cheated on her again, and that just made everything worse, right? Now, my younger brother would always stick up for her in front of my dad. He used to be physically abusive too. I never really saw any of that but my brother did. She'd always try to drag us into their fights and make us choose sides. My brother would take hers and I would try to stay diplomatic because they're both my parents. And so she always said my brother loves her more than I do. Today I'm almost 25 and my brother's almost 20. He has started trying to not take sides too. I'm now studying in Canada and they live in the US. But everytime I go home, I feel the stress and the tension between them and I hate being home because of that.This New Year's eve, an argument started between them and my bro n I left the room. It upset her so much taht she sought us out and said she was going to leave and all taht. And she started saying we had to choose who we would live with. I refused to do that. She insisted that we choose. I still refused. She tried using different ways of getting us to choose. Eventually, I ended up saying that it really stresses me out to be involved in their fights. And then she told me if it bothers u so much you should do something about it. So I said, it's between u and dad, what can I do? She replied, you could have done something when you saw how bad things were and all that. I got so infuriated..I said, you can't make me feel guilty coz it was never my fault!Eventually she calmed down and everything..but never apologised for saying that to me. I have always supported her, consoled her when she cried. I just don't take sides!!! It's not my place to judge my parents for what's going on between them, right? I still feel the tension between them. It makes me dread going home and I hate that! How can I make things better?? Why can't she respect the fact that I don't choose either parent over the other?! Isn't that the right thing to do?! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (6 February 2007):
 hi
i am sorry about everything i had been there and survived. what i can say to you is this for your sanity talk to your mother you dont have to take sides but atleast you know where this is coming from at your age you should be able to support your younger brother emotionally he might not be seeing this fights the way you do especially because he witnessed the physical abuse thats why he took sides because the practical side of it convinced him otherwise and he saw his mother as a victim and i think it destroyed him being so young and not being able to protect his mother learn to reach out to him he might be breaking inside.
domestic fight is not about who sides with who but it is about a family bad situation that needs a serious intervention. in this matter it is easy to see who is coping and who is not. you are an adult now its true you dont have to be involved but you can talk to them both, i understand your mother wanting her kids to side with her its unfair but it is not unnatural to feel the way she does. she had been through more than enough in her life time and maybe what she wanted was just a little support just to know if her children blames her for her failing marriage and not being able to provide you with a stable family environment.
u dont have to stay with her if they become seperated you and your brother have passed a minor age limit you can decide to stay on your own apartment and only visit them seperately but you will need to make her understand that you are not staying with her because you despise her. after all she is your mother. if she were given a choice i am sure she wouldnt have chosen your father which means you were not gonna exist thats why you need to appreciate her as your mother. i dont know how your father feels about this you dont talk about him probably because he is quite and you are only seeing your mom as a nuissance who is hungry for attention, i think this because mom's talks tooo much and let everyone on their problems.
about apology give her time, or talk to her about that tell her it hurt you when she makes you choose but you love her as your mother and that you are sorry she has to go thru her messy marriage this is the best therapy you and your mother need. send me a pm if u want to talk, i know what u are going through.
jovial
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): You are right. You can not be made to choose, you should not need to. One parent should not use their upset to punish the other, using the children as weapons. It happens all the time. I know she is upset but you Mum is being very selfish to try and blame you at all for any aspect of this situation. Do you have to choose who to live with? Tell her that if they separate she can be sure that you will come and stay with her, but you will also want to be free to stay with your father. It will not be so long before you are independent anyway.
Your Mum is probably scared to be alone and watch the family dissolve. She will lose her identity if not careful and needs to do something about that before it is forced upon her. The shock will be huge then, but she can make some sensible moves to rebuild her life now which will make things easier. This has to be from her own inner reserves and should not involved depleating yours.
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A
female
reader, xkimx  +, writes (6 February 2007):
 i have the same problem and i chose my mum in the end even though i love my dad my mum has noone she gaves birth to me and brought me up and my dad made it worse by cheating think of your mum though how would it feel to be cheated on and it would be hard to forgive , stick by your mother she will thank you , and it doesnt mean you wont c your dad ever but just help your mum , or why dnt u live with bothand stay at uyour dads one week and your mum the next thats what i fdo much easier
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): i can see where your mother is comming from, she feels as tho she needs support against an abusive partner and she feels isolated.
but its wrong of her to expect her children to help fight her corner. after all no matter what kind of man he is, hes still your father.
it doesnt sound a very good marriage if you ask me, wouldnt a divorce be easier than just taring the family apart every time your all together?
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