A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I been married for 13 years. Both 41, with no children. I do ALL the things every wife wishes for:Flowers, many vacations,, cook dinner, weekend get aways, cards, notes, gifts, hugs, kisses (but told don't get myself excited).In return, I get 175% in "emotional" love (kisses, nice compliments, caring, ect..) and 25% in " physical" love (maybe 1-2 times per month and oral 1-2 times per month) how can I equal that out to 100% each? I'm tired of being just "the good husband". Other than that (which is very important to me), it would be "the perfect marriage".When we discuss this, jokingly she says "find your self a little chicky", just don't fall in love.Rob Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for ALL of the replies. After reading the replies, to my surprise, we had great sex last night when she got home from work. It was a total surprise. I think I just have to accept the fact that once per week is all that it will be (with occasional oral).
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2012):
 She’s not interested in sex as much as you are and has told you to get a little bit on the side. I assume that’s not really an option for you. Because it happens a lot. A woman loves a man and their sex drives are very different and that’s not going to change so she “frees” him to have sex with others to meet his needs…
She’s trying in her own non-traditional way to give you what you need.
BTW a long term couple in their 40s having sex once a week is pretty normal... so if you get sex 1-2 times a month and you get blow jobs 1-2 times a month that's averaging out to about once a week.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 After your reply OP, I think it sounds like she just isn't interested in sex any more. I would definately suggest seeing a your Dr who can give you all the information you need in regards to seeking help with couples sex thereapy, this is of course our wife is willing go along with you. Does she recognise this is a problem in your marriage? If she doesn't want to make the effort, then your only two options is to continue the you have been, sex twice a month, or go your seperate ways. I wouldn't do the sex on the side thing even if SHE did suggest it. I doubt very much she really meant it, and could cause a lot of heartache. I know a relationship is not based on sex, but it does play a huge role in it, that closeness, and feeling bound as soulmates. You cant be expected to live the rest of your life on rations. I hope you can convince her to think about the therapy, and get your sex life back on track.
Mandy x
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Well if it's been like it for years then she isn't going to change too soon if at all, so I don't think trying different tactics will work.
You should suggest trying a sex-therapist,together, see if there's a solution.
To be honest if your sex needs are so different then you either take whats offered,get a bit on the side as she suggested, or move out and find a woman who's in tune with your needs.
You have everything else in the marriage, so do you think it's worth worrying about? In every relationship the sex eventually lessens so you would be back to square one.
And yes I do sympathise, I think she's been more than a bit selfish as its gone on for years, its her way or no way.No compramise.Why have you let it go on and whats sparked this question now?
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 There are two possibilities. 1) She no longer finds you attractive. 2) You each have different sex drives. How much sex did you have earlier in the relationship? If it's never been that often I'd say you have different sex drives. If it was more frequent and has dwindled over time, it could be her age, her hormones, or her interest in you sexually. It's fairly common that couples do not have the same sex drive. Generally one will want sex more often than the other and it leads to a constant tug of war. And the more pressure you apply, the less likely you will get laid. Other things can also affect a person's sex drive; like medication, menopause, weight gain, depression, mid-life crisis. Talk to her about your feelings. Maybe counseling will help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWife can not have kids & Invitro did not work. (Adoption is not for us) Tells me every day she loves me. It's been like this for years. I thought it get better after every excuse was out of the way (weight, work, can't have children, ect...)
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (28 February 2012):
HI Rob
Sometimes women can go through a phase, and are just not interested in sex at all. And its also possible she could be going through the change? you say everything else is perfect, so she is definately still very much inlove with you. Have you spoke about maybe trying couples sex thereapy? I think also as you have not had children, it could be a case of she feels unless your making something other than love whats the point! I say this because a friend of mine said just that. "if I cant have kids whats the point of having sex, its never gonna change and its just the same over and over". It could be all sorts of reasons, but unless you tell her how this makes you feel, your never going to get a clear answer as to why. Has your wife always been this way or is it something new?
Mandy x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Same as me. It seems to be many couple's problem at that age.
Try to spice up your sex life. New ideas. New experiments. Maybe a little dominance. Maybe a new toy. Anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Wow...does she really mean that she would like you to find a "little chicky" to have sex with as long as you do not develop feelings for her? That is problemantic in my view. But first, I must say that sex 1-2 times per month and oral 1-2 times per month doesn't sound like that bad of a deal to me. I mean, compared with the men and women that I know that talk about this stuff, I have to say that most of the men would KILL for that much sex! It sounds like you are happy with the affection, caring part of the relationship. If she is affectionate and caring, surely you can relate to her that maybe one or two more sex acts per month is not too much to ask. I think you should offer to give her a fantastic massage with oil and the whole nine yards. As a woman, even if I'm not "in the mood", I'm never going to say no to a massage. Then, if you let your hands travel and little farther than her back, she may find herself in the mood when she herself didn't even expect it. What I find disconcerting is that she says you should find someone else to satisfy you sexually, but that you are not to fall in love with her. I would never stand for my man being sexually involved or otherwise with another woman. I would be hurt and jealous and wouldn't be able to get the image of them together out of my mind. I just do think you give that kind of permission to someone that you love. A woman especially. It sounds wierd. Don't do it! I think if the relationship is otherwise good as you say it is, and already has some decent sex (you just want more) that you need to get the "more" from your wife. Either that, or find out why she's okay with the man she loves getting naked with a stranger. That may be your main problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I'd have to say. That since you have resorted to keeping score and you feel you are 'owed' you have resentments.
Just take the backside to counselling and address your woes there.
Also tell wife since she isn't putting forth effort in the love/bedroom, she then has time to get her butt into couples counselling with you.
If she is a no go, you go nonetheless.
I think you'll fast realize what the possible solutions for you will be.
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