A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I just broke up with my 17 yr old girlfriend. thats right, 17. I know most of you probably think im a scumbag but please hear me out. I dropped out of college in my junior year and moved to the east coast from way out west, and lets just say things are veerryy different here. People aren't nearly as friendly or laid back, the area i'm in is lacking any figment social affluence, and is somewhat urban and full of the "hip hop" mentality. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, just not what im used to). Well anyway, i've lived here for approaching a year and I was completely ok with being alone and not having many friends.That was until one day at work i asked this girl if she wanted to hangout sometime. I had seen her at a gas station before and our eyes met, we exchanged smiles, and went about our ways. When i saw her again near my place of employment i had to jump on the chance to pursue something with her. Now im going to be completely honest with you, and you guys are going to hate me for this but please again, bear with me. When i texted her later that night i expected her to be about 19 or 20, but i found out she was actually 17. Now because of this i lied to her about my age, afraid that she would end things if she knew i was really much older. I told her that i was only 19. I look really young for my age and was able to pull this off...please i know this is soo wrong, please jsut keep readingNow i admit at first i just wanted to get laid and was pretty desperate, but when i began hanging out with her i enjoyed having the company and someone to talk to after such a long period of social isolation. To be honest, we had nothing in common. Our family backgrounds were completely different. She was a local girl with few friends, very unpopular at school and came from a poorer family than mine, with little education and no college graduates.She was on the brink of dropping out of high school herself... While I on the other hand, came from a family, where there is a strong emphasis on education and art. If i was back home, i wouldnt have even looked twice at her, but being here i guess you could say the circumstances were quite different. But be that as it may, we hung for about 2 weeks before we had sex. Now at first i only intended to sleep with this girl and move on, but in those 2 weeks my affection for her grew and grew. She would do simple things like bring me food at work, or wash the dishes at my apt...She would call me often just to talk, and for once in a long time someone actually cared about me and what was going on in my life. She was different from all the girls i hooked up with during my failed years in college. Her affection and empathy seemed genuine. I felt like i could trust her. I hadn't felt this way since well...highschool. This led me to finally ask her to be an item with me, and we began dating. Now the first time we had sex, i have to admit she was horrible. she just lay there and didn't really know how to spice things up. Now one would think that this was a major drag but i admit it was a bit refreshing for me. I had been hooking up with girls who were quite spectactular in the bedroom for quite some time, but having sex with this girl felt real. Its hard to explain. Now a few weeks went by as i kept wrestling with my concious to break up with her, telling myself, what any other peer would tell me...she was far young, lying to her about your age was just completely f*cked up, what on earth was i thinking, what would all my friends back home say to me if they knew, just a whole barrage of guilty thoughts permeated my brain more and more as the days went by. Now mind you, im not some kind of perverted, socially inept, outcast, believe it or not. I'm a normal dude. Ive had my share of wonderful sexual encounters with beautiful women, i've been in serious relationships, i've been in love over and over, i've had one night stands over and over. ive had my heart broken, ive broken hearts. Been there, done it all, and then some.But something about this girl just kept me coming back for more.After about two months, things changed dramatically. During the last couple weeks of our relationship she became more and more distant. She wouldnt call me nearly as much and if i called her, out conversations would be short. She wasn't nearly as affectionate as she had been before, and she started ditching me to hang out with her friends. I would ask her if she was losing her feelings for me or why she was being so distant but she would always respond by telling me everything was fine and that she still wanted to be with me.Finally one night, we made plans to hangout and she met up with me and then told me she had to leave to go see her friend "X" because X was upset with her. Now i know she was actually seeing X because i heard X's voice on the phone, but i got upset and refused to kiss her goodbye and went home. The next day she ignored all of my calls until finally she picked up and was extremely cold and bitchy to me, acting like a completely different person for no reason at all... now most people would say that this was the perfect exit for me considering our age difference but i had developed some pretty strong feelings for her by this time... i asked why she was acting so horrible towards me and she responded by saying i make her feel stupid all the time, and that our backgrounds are too different and that we arent into the same things and that we're just too different. I asked her if she wanted to break up and she responded by saying she "didnt want to say something, she would later regret", which of course, in my eyes, meant she in fact, did want to break up. Finally i got upset and responded by pointing out how selfish she had gotten which led her to immediately break up with me. Its like she was waiting for a reason for her to break up with me without looking like the bad person. After our fight, i asked her to reconsider and she kept saying she didn't know. That night i asked her if we were ok and she simply didnt respond for a couple hrs then said "hey". For the next couple days we barely talked. She would text me misc. things like "hey" or "whats up" and when i would respond by calling her she would never pick up.Finally about a week later i texted her asking a question, just to make convo, she responded negatively. Later i tried calling her. She, of course, didnt answer, then i texted her saying i didnt want to talk about us and to just answer and called her again, with her actually answering...go figure. we talked about nothing for a little bit then she said she would call me back which of course she didnt. then i called her a couple hours later and she ignored my call and immediately sent me a text saying "im with my bf, and to stop calling". I was crushed...especially because i wasnt aware that we had completely ended things. This had completely come out of left field.I kept calling her until she answered, and went completely off the handle...asking her who he was, if she had been sleeping with him while were together, how she could do that to me...just completely annoyed. She told me it was a guy from her school and that it was none of my business.. to my suprise she was giggling and laughing throughout the whole convo, like she was enjoying the fact that i was so hurt....this led to me starting to be rude about her family and how she couldnt finish even finish highschool. Inexcusable I know.just anything i could think of to hurt her. She then hung up and i called her back a few minutes later to find her crying. she said she never wanted to hear from me again, and that she did not care about me at all. I hung up the phone and apologized for what i said to her via text a couple days later and she of course did not respond. Havent talked to her since....Im a wreck now. I find myself trying to decipher the mixed signals i got from her during out last few exchanges... I can honestly say i treated her so well. I was so good to her. Her last bf used to hit her. I did the complete opposite. I have no idea what i did wrong. I cant figure out why she just completely transformed on me in such a short period of time. She was so nice and humble when i first met her, but then she sounded so conceited and cold hearted during our last exchange... I dont understand why im taking this so badly...we had nothing in common, she was far too young and completely not my type at all. Why am i soo emotionally stuck on this girl? Shes an effing little girl, not even a woman! I can truly say, without any exaggeration, that ive never taken a break-up as hard as i have this one. Even the relationships that lasted years with my previous girlfriends has not emotionally scarred me as much as this one has. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I should not have been with her to begin with... I know you all think im a total dirtbag for being with her in the first place. But i cannot get over this. I dont want to get out of bed, i keep calling off of work, i feel so empty. I dont know if this is because of the guilt i feel for dating someone this young and then being rejected by her, i dont know if this is just part of some pre-mid 20's life crisis im having, i dont know if this is part of some self- reflective realization im having about my life now compared to before i moved here. i just dont know. all i know i keep thinking about this girl soo much and its killing me.please somebody talk some sense into me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): look the reason why I think you developed strong emotions for this girl is you will constantly worrying about her. Where in past relationships it was more 50-50. you being older you probably felt that you had to protect her more. Plus at 17 years old and her social background she is just looking for drama. I think you're mixing feelings of loneliness with sexual desire and mistaking them for love.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): No you cant get her back. Just forget about her. You're only so obsessed wither her because she broke up with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): "Everyone does it so dont feel bad."UKLifeCoach is so far off correct that I'm surprised his posting made it on here.You are FOS as well, you are in your mid 20's, dating a 17 year old CHILD, and that means you are not what you represent yourself to be.Admit it to yourself, if not to anyone else."...lying to her about your age was just completely f*cked up, what on earth was i thinking, what would all my friends back home say to me if they knew, just a whole barrage of guilty thoughts permeated my brain more and more as the days went by.....Ive had my share of wonderful sexual encounters with beautiful women, i've been in serious relationships, i've been in love over and over, i've had one night stands over and over. ive had my heart broken, ive broken hearts. Been there, done it all, and then some."Yada, yada, yada. You are a 20 something still dating high school girls.Get counselling help and figure out why you are dating teen girls when there are plenty of women in their 20's.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Seventeen year olds DO NOT know what real life is about. They are still in highschool, surrounded by one year of older kids (or perhaps they might be seniors) and a crap-ton of younger kids. She isn't ready for anything serious, whereas she thinks you are nineteen and are just getting your life started. If you were a senior in highschool (18 or 19) and she were a freshman (14 or 15), would you have still lied about your age? Could you have? It's basically the same age-gap scenario. It's a little twisted that you KNEW her age, you KNEW you were lying to her, and yet you STILL had sex with her after only two weeks (you weren't even exclusive at that point, I might add). Pretty messed up and very selfish of you.Did you ever think that maybe she found out about your real age and is now blowing you off? It's cool that you didn't hit her. But c'mon, you're using that as the way to promote the fact that you treated her well? Perhaps you were a little more condescending with her than you remember being. Or perhaps she took a lot of your self-elected-superiority and felt that you were using it against her. Either way, if you mentioned at all to her any of the things you've mentioned here, it's no wonder she felt so inferior in the relationship.As far as why you're so broken up over her, it's probably because in your mind you knew all along that you shouldn't have been with her/slept with her, and yet SHE was the one to end things with YOU. A girl who wasn't your type, wasn't your age, and wasn't your ideal candidate for a life partner rejected you before you got the chance to reject her. Maybe you felt that you had some sort of power over her since she was so young and naive and "poor". Maybe you don't understand how she could escape that power and now you're feeling threatened and less like a man or less like a provider for this "little girl".DO NOT contact her again, or you will keep fueling the fire. Cut all contact with her. Stop texting her, stop calling her, and if she contacts you, don't respond. Go out and make some friends your own age. Stop yearning for attachment with someone who clearly you can't stay attached to and shouldn't stay attached to. You're only hurting yourself.P.S. Highschoolers thrive on drama. By continuing to contact her, you're only allowing her to cause drama in your life, which I'm sure she enjoys. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys for the insight. Especially Battista and Uklife, you guys are straight shooters, and i needed that.I plan on waiting a couple months then going to see her and try winning her back.do you think this is a good idea?Uklifecoach, how do i go about doing this without coming across as vulnerable? What you said about younger girls responding more to guys who are dicks is so true. I figure if i wait long enough, and then go back for her, maybe we can start fresh.Anonymous girl who answered, you are also right. I did act like i was better than her, and I'm not at all. Can i get her back if i wait long enough?Battista, i know i need to move on and get over myself. But i want this girl back, really bad. I know that this relationship should not even happened from the start considering the age difference, and that i lied to her. I get it. But it wasn't all about the sex, yes at first it was, but i really grew to like this girl. I just want her back, so i can do things the right way.I've tried to move on, I've gone out the bars with my co workers, there's been chances for me to hook up with women my own age, granted these women were drunk as sh*t but regardless, i don't want that. I don't want to just hook up.I just want this girl back. Please tell me what i have to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Alright I don't think badly of you. I think you were just lonely. It's okay.
I first would like to say that I'm from the mid east and we are pretty great thank you very much. Haha I'm kidding.
Okay the girl is 17, so her acting like that is no surprise.
"Finally one night, we made plans to hangout and she met up with me and then told me she had to leave to go see her friend "X" because X was upset with her. Now i know she was actually seeing X because i heard X's voice on the phone, but i got upset and refused to kiss her goodbye and went home.
The next day she ignored all of my calls until finally she picked up and was extremely cold and bitchy to me, acting like a completely different person for no reason at all..."
For no reason at all? Dude really? You wouldn't kiss her goodbye because she wanted to see her friend. She is 17 and a female, at that age we get made at each other then cry and make up. You kinda acted like a jerk. It's alright though all guys do that. But, I see why she was upset.
All this calling, texting, no answers is so immature and she loves it. And you're feeding right into it. Then her saying she is with her BF, again immature. She is trying to upset you and again you feed into it. This is why 17 year old's aren't good to date unless you are 17.
Now perhaps you are so upset because she dumped you and that has never happened? Or she dumped you and you feel you are the more superior one. (you clearly think you're better than her by all the stuff you were saying about where you are from and the girls you have f*cked. I think you don't realize this though. Maybe time to self reflect?) It could also be the fact that you are lonely and homesick and feel out of place so it felt good to have someone to care about.
Bottom line is this girl is immature and she is bringing out the 17 year old immature side of you. You need some guy friends. Go out and meet people your age and make them male friends at first. Honestly you sound kinda full of yourself. That's what makes me think you are a jerk, not the fact you were with a 17 YO or that you lied. I think you need to get over the fact that the west is so much better (?) and embrace the people around you.
Go meet people. Good luck : )
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (8 June 2011):
From your post it sounds to me like your pride has been seriously dented by being dumped by this "effing little girl" as you so eloquently choose to call her. From the tone of the post I can quite understand why she probably felt that you made her feel stupid; you seem to imply that everything in the place you moved to is not as good as where you came from, that your background is somehow superior because your family "where there is a strong emphasis on education and art" and are richer than her. You say she was "horrible" in bed the first time, and, most tellingly for me, you have a problem with the fact that at first she used to be "humble" but then grew to be "conceited." Why should she act humbly around you? What on earth have you done to deserve that? You claim to have treated her really well but from what you have said I can't really picture it: you spend a lot of the post pointing out how you have had better/prettier etc women than this girl and emphasise how effectively she was your "bit of rough." I do not believe that what you have written here didn't translate into your behaviour towards her.
To be honest, you seem to be wallowing in self-pity somewhat. Pre-mid 20s crises don't really exist. I think you have taken a body blow at the fact that you have been dumped by someone whom you thought was so inferior to you, and this has caused you a fair deal of reflection on how she could do this to you. You certainly haven't said anywhere that you miss her at all or want her back in your life. You are annoyed that she's moved on.
You need to move on with your life and realise that these things happen. Don't be a martyr. And I'm not even going to mention the fact that you have to lie about your age to sleep with 17 year old girls.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Hi,I see your a guy in need of a Bro right now lol.First of all I hope you have cut of contact with her. If not then do so. I dont think anything bad of you for lying about your age. Everyone lies for 3 main reasons.1. To make themselves more attractive/to big themselves up2. to avoid conflict/confrontation3. to spare someones feelings.Everyone does it so dont feel bad. Secondly. Young girls are like this. Sometimes the younger they are the meaner you have to be. Where as some younger girls appreciate the nice boyfriends.Maybe a guy came along and treated her in a way that reflects the way she thinks she deserves to be treated. which believe it or not some girls have low self worth and all they know is abuse and this can make them expect to be treated in an abusive way because it feels normal.Maybe not but its a suggestion. And its a well known fact that the majority of younger girls start of dating bad guys in teenage years and when in late 20's they switch to kinder men to start serious lifelong family relationships with.I just want to reassure you that you are a victim of something above your limits of control and that you should let go of all your hurt and accept that your a victim of science. you have learnt something about young girls. you have to be a bit badder. ignore them a bit. make them work a bit. not hit or abuse them but act a bit not bothered and not interested now and again. it drives them mad. reward them with some love occassionally to keep them interested.It sounds harsh but this is what the bad lads do natrually.Just put it down to the fact that she isnt old enough to appreciate your maturity yet.Maybe she will be contacting you again when she has had enough of the bad lads. who knows.go to work, get up of your arse and get out there again lol.Put it down to a conflict of interest between ages.Peace
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