A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:We have been married twenty year and always had a good sex life so my wife says.Then six months ago she rejected my advances, and started masturbating next to me in bed at night when she thinks I am a sleep. She has always made plenty of noises and hip thrusting movements so its hard to ignore. I have never known her to masturbate before. I have always fantasized about my wife masturbating, but actually its shocked me, and surprisingly I feel a complete failure. She now masturbates about four times a week, and it makes me feel ill, I can not bring myself to talk to her. I just can not figure out why she is doing this. Everything else in the marriage seems normal.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): You are going to have to have an open and honest discussion with your wife if you want things to change. Addressing the problem and working through it together is the most important part. You are both going to have to compromise so that both your needs are satisfied and bring met.Clearly there is some sort of a disconnect in your relationship. What has happened between you to cause this? Women love to be connected to their man and express the emotional connection physically but when a woman does not engage physically with a man it means she has distanced herself from him emotionally or is unhappy with something he did or she is bored and stays married for convenience and obligation but no longer feels a spark. A spark is a funny thing. You can either get it back or you never will. But you would owe it to your marriage to at least try. Start with open communication. Just tell her how you feel and don't be accusatory or mad or upset. Tell her you feel left out when she pleasures herself and that you'd like to be part of it. That you want to make her happy. That it makes you feel rejected and that she doesn't care anymore when she goes solo.Again I need to stress that men masturbate all the time and we women are not always happy with it but that's just what men do. How they're built. They madturbate to fantasies and take care of themsves regardless of living their partner or regardless of how good their sex lives are. Masturbating is more like an add on for men and mostly recreational and mindless.But when women do it for some reason men get offended. Take it personally. Well it is possible for women to also want to get off when they feel like it. Your problem though is that's all she does. And I can see your concern.Clearly she is feeling disconnected from you in some way.May I suggest planning a nice night out together and surprise her? Buy her a gift: Go to her favourite restaurant. Write her a poem. Sing her a song. Book a hotel somewhere out of town for a weekend. Women want and need to feel loved and appreciated in order to have sex with a man. Is it possible you have dropped the ball?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): How is your wife's health in general? Mentally and physically? How is your emotional intimacy? Changes in any of the above could affect libido.
You shouldn't take her masturbating personally.
I masturbate most nights before I sleep simply because I struggle to sleep and masturbation is my sleeping pill. It's mechanical and so so in terms of pleasure. It does not replace my partner at all.
Talk to her. Ask her what's going on. Do it when you're both in a good mood.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (14 December 2015):
A lot of people find it very difficult to communicate about sex and let you know specifically what they want. Do you make sure she is satisfied when you have sex? Don't be the guy who orgasms and then rolls off and goes to sleep. If you do, I can see why she would rather do it herself. Do you keep your appearance and hygiene at the levels where they were when you were both really enjoying sex? What is different now as compared to when you first got together and were going at it like rabbits?
It could be she is just plain bored. Perhaps you should visit a sex shop with her and see if there's anything that might command her interest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2015): Without knowing a thing about you or your wife, or the details of your marital-relationship; we can only offer a lot of speculation here. I'll at least offer you food for thought.
You apparently don't know how to reach or go for her most erotic zones. Experiment and explore. Often men get too self-involved during sex, skip the foreplay, demand blowjobs, and/or just go for penetration. Some get intimidated when their female partners are too sexually-aggressive, demanding, or seem too eager to be pleased. Women start to feel unattractive when you look at other women too much; if you're prone to verbalize your attraction to whatever they feel they don't have.
They may not say anything. Instead, they just internalize their sensitivities to your in-sensitivities. The result, they don't feel like having you touch them. It's important to talk about things they want and like in the bedroom. Unless you're too sensitive, and feel that's critical of your adeptness and love-making skills. They often pretend to protect your feelings. You have to change your moves. Sometimes women tell their men what they want, and are simply ignored; because it grates his ego to hear a woman tell him that he's anything less than a stud.
Nothing is worse than sloppy kisses, no kissing, no foreplay, quick-squirts, tiny penises, over-sized penises, or outright selfish lovers. Downright lousy clumsy moves that are almost ridiculous. Stupid contortions meant to be cool moves. If you don't talk, you don't know what the problem is.
If you get easily insulted; then you don't want to know. So why bother? She may as well please herself. Sometimes masturbation is the only way to get-off for some women. If her partner simply don't have the patience, desire, and stamina to go the whole nine yards to make her climax.
Once some guys ejaculate, they rollover and go to sleep; or make a half-assed effort to please their partners. Routine white-bread sex is boring. Sometimes your sex-partner, male or female; needs the unpredictable and the element of surprise. She knows what she wants and how to get there,if you don't. Perhaps because you just don't understand female anatomy like the vast majority of men.
There is also a loss of affection for you, if you're overbearing, mean, and a bully. If you never make her feel desirable and pretty. You never do spontaneous acts of love and tease her with sexy comments and flirtations. Do simple stuff like hold her hand, hug and caress her, hug her from behind. Snuggle after sex, or soft kisses on her neck. It all adds up my friend. They turn to other lovers, toys, or self-pleasuring when you don't seem to hit the right spots, push the right buttons; or last as long as it takes to get them there.
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