A
female
age
30-35,
*atastrophe Waitress
writes:I recently moved to a new town for college, and found a new job, etc. I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year because we were fighting a lot and he wouln't do anything with his life. Well, at my new job, I found that I felt attracted to an older man [he is 32, i am 18] I didn't do anything about it, at first, because I found out he was married. But we started flirting at work a lot, and I really started to feel more and more attracted to him.So, we started e-mailing, and then texting, and I admitted that I liked him, and a few days later, he admitted that he felt the same. Well, we kissed at work a few days after that, and it was mind blowing. My heart beat out of my chest in a way I had never felt before, my hands shook, I forgot what I was doing, and I couldn't stop smiling [He was in the same condition] We talked about it, and have been slowly growing to care about each other more and more.A few weeks later, we had sex. Like this kiss, it was amazing. I never felt closer to someone in my life, and I have had sex with a few guys, including serious relationships that lasted from 7 or 8 months to a year and a half.I know that I'm not just attracted to him because his is married, and I know the feeling is mutual, and he told me that his wife cheated on him last summer, and that they don't even love each other anymore. But neither of them wants to be the "bad guy" and initiate a divorce. I told him I don't want him to rush things for me, that I will be patient, because I'm in this for the long run... but I still feel guilty. We have only been in a secret relationship for a month, but I have never felt like things were more perfect. I can't stop thinking about him, we get along perfectly, we love many of the same things, we can just look at each other at work and know what the other is thinking. And it is becoming more and more obvious to our co-workers that we are crazy about each other, it is a very hard emotion to hide. But we play it off like it's a joke. We even have been having future fantasies about each other, like he is an English teacher, and that is what I'm going to school for. And I find myself daydreaming about us teaching at the same school, and he told me he dreamt about having a baby with me and playing our song to my belly. What should I do? Should I just continue seeing him and wait for things to turn out the best? Should I try not to rush him, although I want him all the time? Is it too early to have feelings like this? How can I tell if it is love, like the kind that lasts forever, or just infatuation, before he ruins his marraige? [although they aren't even happy with each other..]
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at work, broke up, co-worker, divorce, flirt, married man, older man, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): From the other angle babes, I hear exactly what your saying. You love this guy who is 14 years older than you. You find him attractive and you and him suit. But what happens if he dose actually leave his wife. What happens when he lives with you and you find out all the little dirty habits he has, and he starts treating you like her. Why did she cheat on him, how come he couldn't manage to keep her happy. Is he lazy, dose he snore, dose he pick his nose, dose he shout, dose he leave his clothes on the floor. It's one thing to have an affair with a man, you get to see all the good bits. But what happens when you get him all to yourself, will he bore you, and start irritating you? You are 18years old, you have so much growing to do. You will change and get wiser and older. He will also change and get older, fatter, and start loosing his hair. Will you one day look at him and think, why the hell did I get mixed up with this boring old man. Will he come out with you and your young friends, or will you go out with him and his older, more serious crew...
This is no good, whether he's telling the truth or not, it's not often that relationships with such a large age gap, where another woman is involved end up happily. I have a feeling you may be right and his wife wants to get rid of him. But why do you think she wants to get rid of him so badly, why did she go off with somebody else. Be very, very careful young lady. You "love" this guy, you want to be with him. Can you stay with him for another 20, 30, 40 years.... I'm afraid that you might just get what you want, and you will regret it in the long run. Relationships like this are poison. Will you still love him and he love you when you get him all for yourself?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Well im a guy and in a similar situation head over heals in love but the thing a guy stands to lose is all that he has worked for so far and thats a fair bit
So a guy has to have his cake and eat it till the taste goes sour
Sorry to say the cheating wife keeps her man
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): I totally agree with the last poster..you may think your situation is different..but its really not. Those of us who are older have seen this kind of thing before. If you want to pull the wool over your eyes, and pretend everything is going to be ok, no one can stop you. But OF COURSE he tells you he's going to leave her, he's never done this before, they never have sex, he sleeps on the couch..DUH! What else can he say?? Hey sweetie, I just want you because you're young and a thrill??? And you as a young girl believe him, because its what you WANT to hear. And do you know for sure his wife had an affair?? Of course he'd say that..AW..poor guy..makes you feel sorry for him, huh?? Its CHEATING..plain and simple. Call it anything you want, make up any excuse you want, but that's what it is. I don't think you will be getting anyone's approval, because its wrong..and you are the one who will suffer the most from this. He has really nothing to lose. He still goes home to her every night...right? Dear, I'm telling you, the odds are he won't leave you...and you're going to be spending many many long lonely nights alone. And a point I want to make...IF he were to leave you, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you??? Once a cheater, always a cheater. As far as his brother goes, what kind of a brother condones his brother having an affair?? You need to open your eyes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): It may seem that the aunts are being unsympathetic or harsh or that we don't understand your love and what you're going through. But we do understand. You say "not all situations are alike." Oh contraire. They couldn't be more similar. We have all been there/seen this/heard this story a thousand times or more. Your situation is not new. It is not unique. The details may vary a tad here and there, but in the end, its the same exact story we've heard/read/been through time and again. We know the road your road traveling and we know the destination is emotional hell. You can't see it. You're too blinded by love or lust or great sex or whatever. Point being, you think your story is different because you're in it. But we see the total picture and it will NOT end well for you. There will NOT be a happy ending.You WILL end up feeling used and stupid... you will be bitter and angry when he chooses his wife, no matter what kind of a shrew he says she is, over you. You will feel worthless when he discards you so easily to remain with his wife. Or, worse yet, takes up with another girl to cheat on his wife with when he tires of you. You will not trust yourself anymore, your self esteem will suffer, and you will be alone and unhappy for a while before being able to put this behind you and move on.You say you want hope and someone who believes in happiness to answer you? I do. Very much so. But not in these circumstances. I'm 20 years older than you... I've been there myself and seen this happen with my friends and heard stories that were just like yours. One thing I've learned is that people will do whatever the hell they want to do no matter what. So, perhaps this is one of those life experiences you just need to go through that will cause you shitloads of pain and force you to grow up. We're just trying to spare you that.
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female
reader, Catastrophe Waitress +, writes (9 October 2008):
Catastrophe Waitress is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot really approval... just hope... that there is someone out there who has been in a similar situation and understands what I'm going through..Someone who believes that someone can care more about love and happiness...
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 October 2008):
 So what are you seeking here? Approval? Do you really expect people to say what you are doing is okay? The guy is married, it doesn't matter one iota whether it's happily or not. You can white wash it any way you want, you are cheating with a married man, and that's crappy behavior.
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A
female
reader, Catastrophe Waitress +, writes (8 October 2008):
Catastrophe Waitress is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll of you seem very against this.. I don't know if I was expecting this or not. It is so hard too, because not all situations are alike. Let me establish some more details, and see if that changes anyones opinions..
This man isn't happily married.. his wife did cheat on him, I work with his older brother as well, and he has talked to me about their relationship and is very supporting of his younger brother's feelings for me. My guy's wife cheated... they always do seperate things.. I know this because he doesn't spend his evenings at home.. after teaching, he works with me, and usually spends time with me until pretty late, and then goes home. She does the same thing with her friends, and he told me that they don't usually even sleep in the same bed.. She generally sleeps on the couch and texts people all night.
This guy is a genuinely nice guy, not a player, has had very few relationships, and has never cheated before.. He was very reluctant about having sex, as was I. I thought we should wait, but then, like most sex, it just happened. We did use protection, and we haven't had sex again yet. We mostly just hang out and talk, makeout.
Also, he doesn't have any kids, although I know he wants to be a father... which he says is impossible right now because he and his wife don't have sex very often.. and he hasn't tried to have sex with me again, since the first time.. he will come into work when he's off, just to look at me, say hello... and has suprised me with coffee and donuts, wanting a kiss, but not expecting one..
He has expressed to me that he is going to divorce his wife... and that he sees us being together in less than a year.. before this I told him that I had hoped that he would make a decision in a few years [simply so I know that his feelings for me are real.. and so I wouldn't be a homewrecker.. although he told me that even if I change my mind and drop him [which he sometimes expresses.. he thinks I am out of his league... thinks I'm too attractive for him, which I don't believe for one second] that he and his wife will be getting a divorce soon anyway.. And when I said "a few years" he looked at me like I was crazy, and said, I hope it to be much sooner than that...
He said that she said the other day that she would be happy to get rid of him... he said he's not sure of the context in which she was saying this, but that it kind of made him happy..
So, I'm not sure how you will respond to this, but please do.. thank you for the help..
P.S. I know that many of you say that I should say, get a divorce now and be with me, but I would feel guilty doing that.. because although my feelings for him are more than anything I've ever felt before, I have often changed my feelings after being with someone for a few months.. So far, since I started liking him [when i met him] and started "dating" him, nothing has changed, my feelings have only grown stronger.. but is it so horrible that I want to make sure what we have is real, that we would be happy together, before i demand a divorce?? He said that when he gets a divorce, he wants to make our relationship known, to our families, coworkers, etc... but I want to make sure I am ready for all of that...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): We hear different takes on this story so often. If he's not in love with his wife, why are they still living together? If the marriage really is in dire straits, why have you got to keep it secret? And so on... don't believe whatever junk he may spin out as to why he can't leave his wife RIGHT NOW. If he refuses to, you will know he's not for real, as I suspect that you're being taken for a ride by a guy who has realised that hey! There's this 18 year old who wants to have sex with me! Wicked!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Honey, you need to run, and I do mean run away from this relationship as fast as your legs can carry you. Don't think for a moment that this man will leave his wife for you..he won't. My best friend was in a situation like yours for 10 years..the whole town knew, his wife knew..he always had one excuse or another not to leave. She wasted 10 years waiting for something that never happened..is that what you want? I'm sure you do feel excitement..its called "forbidden". You are WAY too young for him, and you are just a fling to him, a diversion. GET OUT NOW! And uh..I hope you're using protection, because you probably aren't his only "diversion". Wake up, smell the coffee, and RUN!!!! BTW, I've been the "other woman" myself, unfortunately, and I know what I'm talking about...GET OUT!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 October 2008):
Well you are going to have to be really really patient, my dear. He will not be leaving his wife. He will have lots of reasons why he can't each and every time you ask. He is sleeping with his wife. He hugs and kisses her everyday. His wife may or may not have cheated, I highly doubt it, he probably was going for sympathy from you. Right now his wife may be under the impression that their marriage is just fine and that makes you a homewrecker. You will be spending every holiday alone because he will be with his family, never you. Take those rose colored glasses off and see the real picture here before you get truly hurt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): LOL another take on 'His wife doesn't understand him'.
Give him a week to leave his wife, then you will have your answer.
Good luck
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