A
female
age
41-50,
*ot_theonlyone
writes:This is such an awful situation I'm in, I really don't know where to begin. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and we have 3 children. We recently bought a new house. In October of 2009, I found out that he had been seeing someone that he works with. I told him that I didn't want him to see her anymore, and that if he did I would leave him. In April of 2010 he confessed to me that he had still been seeing her but that he had ended it and wasn't going to talk to her again. I forgave him because I do love him and we have 3 children together. Things were very good up until right before Christmas, when I began to have suspicions again. When looking at the credit card receipts I noticed that he had made 2 purchases at the same store one right after the other. I made the decision to re-register on our cell phone provider's website to see if he had been talking to this girl again. The phone bill indicated that he had started talking to her again sometime in July. When I confronted him about this, he denied seeing her or buying a gift for her. I left it alone for a few days and then asked him again, when he admitted that he had been seeing her again. He claims that it is only once or twice a month and that it is only sex. He asked me for permission to continue to see her because, while he loves me very much, he considers her his "release". After our 3rd child was born my sex drive dropped drastically and we really only have sex once a week or so. I'm not really sure how seeing her twice a month helps him out any at all. I confronted her in front of him, where she told me that she is in love with him and that she believes he is in love with her too but that he won't leave me because of the kids. He denied to her face that he loves her, but for some reason she still believes it. I told her that he said it was just sex, which made her mad. She said that she will not stop talking to him because she is in love with him and can't control how her heart feels. After all this, he still asks me for permission to see her. I have tried to explain to him exactly how it makes me feel, like my heart is being ripped out of my chest for him to want this. He is putting his own needs before mine, and his argument is that I am doing the same. I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this, because as much as I love him and I feel like he does love me, he really just doesn't care enough to stop seeing her. I don't want my children to grow up in a house with no father. I don't want to lose him. But I really feel like she is never going to back off and he is going to continue to see her behind my back until one of them decides to end it. I can't wait that long. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): My dear!
Same situation I have been 20 years ago after the birth of my daughter.
Been so busy with kid and so tired and lost all interest in sex for many long years.
My husband had been angry, nervous, and now accuses me of that because of me he was now unable to .
I am 50 year old woman and now I'm wishing sex wildly.
I'm very sorry about lost possibilities.
Do everythingup to the viewing porn, dating sites, etc. to awake your sexuality and you'll be shocked that your husband forgot about his left-side adventures on the left side..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Yep-- I agree with the previous posters. Find a good attorney, serve him divorce papers, and seek alimony and child support. My guess is that he'll look a lot less appealing to the mistress when his paycheck goes way down.He has some nerve dragging you through this affair. Dump him good and heal yourself for the better man who comes along and treats you with respect.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 January 2011):
You need to divorce him.
He has his mind made up, he is not going to stop being with her. He has decided that he will continue to betray your marriage.
You can't make someone else change.
Since he doesn't want to stop betraying you, why do you want to hang onto him???
Confronting the other woman obviously doesn't change her either.
You are right that their affair is completely out of your control because you can't control other people's actions only they can.
You can only control your own behavior, not that of others.
Your only options are to put up with his behavior or, if you can't stand living with his behavior, to divorce.
I think divorce is the healthier option for you because he's set on continuing to see her.
You say you don't want your kids to grow up in a house without a father? -- but look at what kind of a father they have!! is it better for them to have any father at all, no matter how crappy of a role model, than none??
You're also being a role model for your kids. Are you going to teach them that it's normal and OK for a husband to betray and disrespect his wife, and the wife to accept it?
It really sucks that this happened.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2011):
 His solution to your lack of sex drive was to start a love affair? Wow. And he's basically blaming you for driving him to it? Wow again.
Look, a lack of sexual intimacy could be a deal-breaker for someone but you should at least have been given some notice that it was an issue and that he was having this major a problem with it.
This isn't FWB, this woman is in love with him. He created that situation. This is serious.
Have you tried working on the marriage before this happened? Do you have a marriage counselor?
Actually, in your shoes, my first stop would be a really good divorce attorney. You don't have to tell your husband that you're seeing one, you just need to understand what you should and shouldn't be doing if this thing falls apart. Some of the strategies for dealing with a spouse that you plan to leave are counterintuitive, and you may wind up in a financial mess if you don't have a plan.
You can't control him, he has to WANT to participate in saving the marriage. If he wants to carry on a love affair with another woman, that's not saving the marriage.
So you have to divert that anger and helplessness you are feeling into some planning and action, that will give you some semblance of control over this situation. Please go see a marriage counselor, with or without your husband, please see your doctor to be screened for STDs and start using a condom with your husband. You are now being exposed to whatever this woman may have contracted. I would insist on that. Find yourself the sharkiest divorce attorney in town and go in and meet with him or her and set yourself on the path to be financially secure if this thing tanks, as it sounds it is. For example, you do not want to be the one who moves out of the marital home, if there is a split. Make sure your name is on the documents that matter. Document EVERYTHING you are finding. I would keep a close eye on the banking details and be sure he doesn't change anything or move money without you being informed.
A man who isn't willing to give up his mistress isn't really interested in saving his marriage, to my mind. Make sure you have plenty of support from your family and friends. Trying to hide this from those closest to you will be huge strain on your psyche. Get the help and love and support you need from the people who love you best.
PLAN, PLAN, PLAN. I think that will make you feel better and give you a way to cope. Sorry he's turned out to be such a loser.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): "He is putting his own needs before mine, and his argument is that I am doing the same." HOW are you putting your own needs before his? Sure, you guys don't have sex as often anymore but you still sex more often than most married couples do. Once a week or so is actually pretty damn good for a couple together for longer than five years. But to be honest, for your own sake, you should try to build up your sex drive a little more.
As for that cheating, lying bastard you call a husband, I'd say kick his sorry ass to the curb. You don't need that drama; especially with three kids to raise. Those kids need a man who will set an example of not hurting a woman. Clearly, your husband is not this man. As for the whore, don't take any actions against her (unless you want karma to come biting you on the ass). Let the bitch have him; once a cheater, always a cheater. Soon enough, he'll be doing the same to her.
Good luck!
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