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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi, Christmas is coming and the thought of Christmas day makes me feel sick, not with excitement but with dread.Right to explain, The first year my partner and I were together, we hardly knew each other and spent Christmas day apart (even though we lived together) and that was fine. Christmas day in the years to come I expected to be different as we have a daughter and I thought we would be spending Christmas as a family but instead we wake up and open gifts, his dad turns up, they go off to the pub, he rolls in at tea time eats and goes to bed. So all day whilst I am watching our daughter, doing the roast and waiting on any visitors that come, he is out and then the same all afternoon whilst he is in bed.We now have 2 children and have recently bought a house further away from his dad and too expensive to get a taxi back from the pub however I now fear that he will opt to stay at his dads and again I will be left on my own, with 2 kids, in tears on Christmas day.I have addressed this issue every year and each time the guilt trip is laid on that it 'family tradition' for the men of the family to go to the pub (and there arent many of them left). Well what about MY Christmas and OUR childrens Christmas? My family tradition before I met him was the entire day surrounded by my family - so being on my own leaves me in a state of shock.I have tried compromise and last year said I didnt mind him going as long as he was reasonable with the time he came back, he returned home after pub close, too drunk to eat his ruined dinner so clearly didnt give a toss that I had being cooking and waiting all day.Every time I mention it he tells me to break the news that he cant go to his dad - I dont want to look like I am the bad guy, I am only asking that he is reasonable, he has completely ruined the spirit of Christmas for me every yr since I have been with him. I am just praying that now we are further away, he wont see the point in going. Is it normal for a guy with kids to spend only a few hour max with them on Christmas day? Why does he choose pleasing his dad over me? Am I really asking too much?All year round we have a fantastic relationship, he provides for us and supports me through thick and thin.He is a fantastic dad, I just feel that the Christmas period now causes tension in a relationship that would otherwise be perfect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): I think that if I behaved the same way as your partner, with any of my former partners I would have been shown the door!
This to my mind is selfishness beyond belief. If I were you I think I'd start a new tradition of my own and disappear to my parents place all Boxing Day and leave the kids with him.
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Midge. Thats exactly what I want. Its not really an option for his dad to come for lunch because that comes with his girlfriend and her two kids and my partners brother aswell - we just dont have room for them all, and his dad wont give up the morning in the pub anyway.
I would make extra effort to make him see that Christmas at home, is where he should be. I dont know how to do that without looking like I am quashing 'family tradition', its my only option as he chose not to compromise.
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 I dont think you are asking too much at all. My family tradition is that its a time for family to pull together and spend time together. Not for dad to go to the pub and get hammered. He is a father and therefore should act like one!
My dad is ill and I know he doesnt have many years left, however I have a man at home who I want to spend my Christmas day with. I opt to have my parents come to mine for a big meal at lunch, therefore spending time with my partner and my family.
Perhaps if he insists on going out with his dad, you should perhaps recommend that his dad comes to you for Christmas lunch. Then, if he insists on going to the pub with his dad later on in the evening, then it wont be such a big issue. He gets what he wants, and you get what you want! The kids get to spend time with their dad and grandad.
I normally invite my parents and my sister and her family. Perhaps if you showed him how good it can be on Christmas day with the family around, he may see the light and decide to make this his new Christmas tradition.
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