A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband is moody and we bicker all the time about things like who turn is it to do the washing up. He says he's moody because hes stressed at work, but he has been like this for the last 18 months. It is really getting me down.We never have sex or even have a cuddle anymore.I feel like we have nothing in common, he just wants to sit and watch tv all the time.To start with i thought it was depression but he says hes not depressed.when i tell my family we aren't getting on, they just say your married sometimes relationships are hard work.Is this true, should I stick it out in the hope things will get better or should i just call it quits and move on.thanks for your advice xx
View related questions:
at work, depressed, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Stress leads to lack of sleep due to worry. Lack of sleep leads to major irritability which leads to major conflicts at home. Help him by not getting in his way. When he is in the mood talk about his work and only then and if he wants to talk. Until he deals in his own mind with his work problems his irritating behavior will continue, unfortunately. The ball is in his court, unfortunately.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): several things come to my mind:
1. He is depressed, even if he says he isn't. Men often either don't know they are depressed or refuse to admit it because they are embarrassed of it. Of course this does not help, just pretending they are not depressed doesn't make the depression go away it just makes their despair even worse. Men often manifest depression by being angry and irritable all the time because that is considered a more acceptable form of negative emotion for men than crying and appearing sad. So, yeah, I think he is depressed.
Why is he depressed? could be anything really. Could be his job or career is bringing him down killing his confidence, could be he's having an affair, could be he is disappointed in himself.
2. "when i tell my family we aren't getting on, they just say your married sometimes relationships are hard work."
OK, I think when people preach at you that "you're married and marriages are hard work" it's a cop-out to tell you to do nothing and just live with what you have. Many people either are fortunate to be in good relationships with mature and reasonable partners and thus have no clue how it is possible for anyone else to not feel equally sane and happy. Other people are miserable in their marriage but choose to stay anyway and thus want other people to be just as miserable and advise them to stay as well.
As far as "marriage is hard work." Is your hb doing any 'work' as far as keeping this relationship running smoothly? sounds like he isn't. his depression is making him a royal pain in the rear end to live with and to be involved with, and yet he is not doing anything about it and wont' even admit he has anything to be responsible for. This is wrong. does 'marriage is hard work' mean you should just be content to live a crappy life forever?
when people say marriage is hard work, it is understood to mean that all your hard work should lead to something positive. Otherwise, why continue to work hard at something where nothing good ever comes of it? Is marriage supposed to be akin to digging your own grave?
don't talk to your parents about this anymore because clearly they refuse to really listen to you or they don't really care about you they only care that you play along with their idea of what marriage is. This does not help you.
should you move on? You have every right to decide that you cannot deal with this any longer. You are not obligated to continue to be married to someone who has no interest in being married to you. in a way he is using you - he is reaping the benefits of marriage (someone to help clean the house, do his laundry, cook meals for him, pay the bills, look after the kids etc) while taking and taking and not giving back and not even acknowledging that he isn't pulling his weight and trying to do something about it.
Decide for yourself if you're ready to move on from him, but know that you do have 'permission' if you so choose. Your decision should be a practical one, not a moral one.
3. the "marriage is hard work" mantra applies to BOTH people, not just to you. Is your hb doing any "work" towards maintaining the marriage? If not, then he deserves to lose his marriage. Allowing him to continue reaping the benefits of having a wife doing her share of her work and his, while he continues to bring her down and do nothing, is making a mockery out of the "marriage is work" thing because he is not doing any. You hold each other accountable to the commitment you made by acknowledging that the other person has a right to leave if you go back on your word. Hold your hb accountable. You have permission to leave him, but before you do, help him out by explaining to him WHY you are leaving so he can learn a lesson for his own life.
5. Having depression (even if he were to admit it, which he hasn't even done) does not give him permission to be a jerk and do nothing to uphold his commitments to you and his family. Yes depression can be crippling and debilitating. It can render people unable to function. That means that person needs to get professional help and seek treatment even if it requires medication or counseling so they can return to the world of the functional and do right by their family. To do nothing and continue to wallow in dysfunction is fine if they live in a bubble and their behavior only affects them and no one else. But it is wrong for them to make commitments to other people that they cannot uphold.
It's not wrong to leave him even if he gets diagnosed with depression and uses it as an excuse to be a jerk. "marriage is hard work" - well yeah, it is hard work for him if he has depression and has problem functioning. But that's his duty to do it anyway, because he chose to get married and take on commitments to someone else. Marriage is hard work after all so if he doesn't want to do the work then he should not be allowed to stay married.
sorry if my advice sounds harsh but I've seen too many people hide behind the institution of marriage as a way to excuse all sorts of bad behavior and being jerks to other people.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Let's look at this part of your submittal:
"...they just say your married sometimes relationships are hard work.
Is this true, should I stick it out in the hope things will get better or should i just call it quits and move on."
When a relationship is going on the rocks....and a man is behaving as you describe, it is not just "hard work"... it is him acting like a jerk. You CAN "stick it out" and ""hope things will get better".... but, unfortunately, unless YOU set a time-table for ".... things will get better... " then you are simply delaying the inevitable...
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Johnsgirl1982 +, writes (23 October 2012):
Thanks for asking this question here. I'm sorry about your situation. If he's stubborn, won't visit a doctor for possible depression, and won't respond when you try to talk with him about it just keep in mind sometimes it's not the things we say but is the things we don't say that matter most. When he becomes grouchy hug him, tell him you love him and you understand why he is stressed out. When you can see he is so stressed out and tense go to him don't say anything just start giving him a neck or back massage. Ask him does he remember certain funny or sweet memories of your alls marriage that happened in the beginning. Tell him how much you love him and that you will always be by his side and have his back no matter what. Buy some lingerie set up candles make a romantic setting for you two and surprise him when he comes home. Try being nice to him and telling him if he needs to talk ever that you are always going to be there to listen. If the things you do aren't helping the situation I hate to say this but please sit down and think about when this all started, thnk about if he has changed the way he does things recently like started coming home later from work, started going places but not telling you, started getting more phone calls, stays online a lot, etc. You may need to explore the posibility that he could be having an affair and is struggling inside with what to do about it. Explore the posibility that he could have gotten bad news recently like from a doctor or at work and he isn't telling you cause he is afraid to do so. I hate for you to think the worst but I also don't want you to sit there wondering or blaming yourself for this. Please be strong, look at all your options, weigh out staying with him vs leaving him before you do anything at all. Good luck honey. If you need to talk let me know.
...............................
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (23 October 2012):
 It sounds like depression. He may not even know he has it, a lot of people think depression means you feel sad all the time and if he isn't sad then he isn't depressed. But the fact that he has lost all interest in physical activity with you, fights over the smallest things (irritable), and is content to essentially never do anything points to depression.
Don't continue on without doing anything, nothing is solved this way. Don't just leave him either. Your parents are right, marriage is hard work. But this is something else altogether and has been going on for far too long. Get him to see a counselor or see a marriage counselor together. Sit him down and discuss everything you just told us. Tell him you feel distant, you can't stand the constant bickering, and generally you have been unhappy and can't continue on this way. If he refuses to see a counselor then let him know you need to move on for your own health, you love him but this relationship is bringing you down and isn't healthy for either of you.
Marriage is hard work but you can't be expected to sit around for years without any love and physical contact with someone who refuses to get help. So if he refuses you are perfectly within your rights to move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Maybe he is stressed at work like he says he is. If this is the case, could he change job?
It would be worth considering marriage counselling.
...............................
|
