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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone,Would be really grateful to get help on this, if anyone has any advice...Have been with my boyfriend for two years, who lives in Ireland. Initially, as ever, it was all amazing, and we quickly decided that we were the ones for each other and would one day get married, live happily ever after, etc. Settled into a routine of going over to see each other every two/three weeks. He is very good looking, lots of friends, very sociable, and basically my perfect man. But over the last year the balance of power has changed so much. He can be quite cold and unaffectionate, and when I ask for hugs, ask him if he still loves me any more, etc he gets really annoyed and tells me Im being needy and clingy. This only serves to make me worse. Also, he has so many friends and other things to do that I feel second best a lot of the time - although in fairness, he does always stick to our weekends. Sex-wise, he got annoyed at me for initiating sex too much, so I dont do that any more. Instead, we only have sex when he wants and its all tends to be very much about him if you know what I mean. He always decides where we are going out, what we are going to do, where we will go on holiday etc. Im always saying'i love you' etc - he generally only says it now when I do first. I really think he takes me totally for granted..The plan was for me to move to Ireland. I am now wondering if this is wise, if instead I should end it. He cant move to England for various reasons that I wont go into - but I feel that the power balance is so in his favour already, if I uproot and go where he has all his friends and I have none, I will become so needy and clingy that he will dump me.Does anyone have any advice for me? He says that I am so needy and insecure its ruining our relationship - while he may be kind of right, I think there is more to it and he has to accept responsibility as well. Should I end it now or consider a move so we can be together?Please help!!!
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female
reader, trita4 +, writes (7 August 2006):
hi telling men even women that you love them sometimes sounds unreall. that is a very heavy statement which should be used when needed. but if you over tell him so, he will believe you are insecure. may be he needs some little space. give him a call instead of seeing him. may be you do not give him tim,e to miss you and please asking for sex makes it sound like you are a spoilt girl. let it come when you are both hot for it and get it out of your mind that you have sex only when he asks for. you are capable of getting him in the mood and having it anytime. ending the relationship when you still love him is not the best solution. are you a christian, if yes, there is a story of two brothers of which one gave away his inheritance for a bowl of food. this is because he wasnt patient to prepare his own.(jacob and Esau) be patient and dont make hasty decisions. give him time too to even miss you. hope it will help.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (7 August 2006):
 Stop beating yourself up about this - you are not needy and clingy but just a normal human being in need of some kind of positive feedback from your man that he loves you. I guess if you were feeling 100% about the relationship you wouldnt feel the need to ask him for sex, prompt him to say he loves you etc.
It doesn't sound like you are a demanding diva! He is asking a lot from you - as you say you have to uproot and move to be with him. It seems to me that the power balance is all wrong in this relationship. He is being selfish across the board and always gets his way...you seem more accommodating to his requirements and maybe you are being too nice - put your foot down and insist that you go on dates to places you like to be etc. Maybe he is normally not such an emotional person that he feels the urge to say 'i love you' all the time. But that doesn't make him right and you wrong - we are all different in our requirements, and wouldn't life be dull if everyone was the same? I think you are right to have reservations about the big move - maybe you should have a trial-run...don't 'move' but go on an extended holiday there and see how it works out in the short-term? Whatever happens it seems like you need a big talk with your man about the relationship - if he just rejects your attempts to discuss the real issues then perhaps you two just are 'too different' to work out. Remember that marriage and all that long-term stuff is about compromise on both sides - if he isn't prepared to give in sometimes to your needs then it is time to find someone who is. Good luck!!!
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