A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am I a mug?I have been dating a man for coming up to 17 months. We have been talking about moving in together for months now – about 5 to be precise. But last month we had a lot of very bad rows. I will admit I said a lot of stuff about his ex (mother of his children) and he was concerned that it was never going to work. He said that he was cautious about moving in together after the very bad rows cause there would be no escape if we moved in together. Not to say that he is an angel because he has his faults as well that I’ve had to say to him he needs to moderate if we’re going to make this relationship work. On the positive side, I have a good bond with his children and we get along very well. He actually said to me the other day that he considers me their “stepmum” cause of how we all are together. We spend every night together – he stays at mine. He is always telling me he loves me and he is supportive of me. I can always count on him if I need anything doing round the flat or with my car, even without asking him. He also cooks for me nearly every night cause I hate cooking, although I do make an effort to every now and again to show him I’m not taking advantage.Just recently it has started to bug me that I may never get a commitment from him. I have a so-called friend, who knows I’m a worrier, and she has said to me on numerous occasions “how come you guys aren’t engaged yet” and “when are you actually moving in together” and “Do you think you’ll ever get married to Marc.” I know what she is like (she is a little bitchy and insecure so likes to make others feel the same), so I try not to show her it has got me worried. But the truth is it is weighing on my mind quite a bit.I remember when we had our last very bad row and he said that he wishes we could just keep moving forward, but every time we have a bad row like that it sets us backwards again. We’ve only had two bad rows in two months now though as I think we are both learning about what gets to each other etc.Should we be more committed at this stage?
View related questions:
engaged, his ex, insecure, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 There's no time limit for when you should move in. Or get closer, or take that next step. You do it when you are READY, not when so and so much time has passed. After a certain time you know if more commitment is in the cards or not though. If you both want to be able to live with your partner at one point (as an idea, not dependent on person), then from the very beginning of the relationship you would have been evaluating how compatible you are for living together, and so you will know sooner if you can or can't live together.
However I'm not sure at what time you guys started this evaluation process. For some couples, moving in together isn't even in the cards until 4 years in. I'm thinking that's a long time... but each to their own. For some it doesn't happen until 2 years in, and some move in after the first month of being together.
Depends on when you feel ready. He doesn't feel ready, you don't really feel ready either. You're just being pushed into this by your nagging friend. Next time she asks just tell her you're not done evaluating that prospect yet, but will let her know when you have decided. Or tell her it's none of her business.
Timing needs to be right.
A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 If you're on the job and after a year there is no raise no advancement, you'd probably start looking for another job. He says stop your gripe and just keep moving forward, but really it sounds like he's putting on the breaks. He's probably scared about tons of negatives. He's been down this road before. I don't think you can set an ultimatum because doing that means you've already got one foot out the door.
Ask him about his fears and deal with those. If you want to marry him time to ask him if he's into getting married again.
If it's causing you both to fight then you'll need to come up with better questions. He may like things the way they are and you want a commitment, he sees it as a threat. You'll have to let him know the good things about commitment. However he's a guy, that's going to be a conversation best left for the bedroom where you'll have half of his attention span, anywhere else you'll only get an 1/8th. Of course if you take a test drive in the new 2011 Camaro he may be more receptive, unknowingly receptive, but a mans word is as good as his bond. James Bond.. shaken not stirred
...............................
|
