A
female
age
51-59,
*hamilton
writes:Im a widow, parent of a 14 yr old girl and my boyfriend and i just bought a house together. should he have say so in what my daughter's punishments should be or and should he be able to set rules for her? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): I think you've received some good advice so far but I would add somethings. First in regard to what "faith scott boreanaz" said, teens rebel against their parents regardless of who sets the rules and no matter how many or few rules there are. A part of growing from a child into an adult is separating oneself from his or her parents. You need to prepare for this as best you can.
Secondly in regard to "howcomehoney" said, separating yourself from him when it comes to setting rules will only isolate him from your daughter. If the two of you discuss rules in private and then you go to her and say he said "___" it will cause your daughter to think that he is the only one setting the rules and that you are merely going along it. You should decide on rules together and explain them to her together.
A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 I think he should have some imput, but this should be discussed between the two of you when your daughter is not around. Decide rules for her together, and then you should be the one to tell her. At fourteen she will probably be wary of the new person in her house - it's normal, her environment has changed, but it's not going to endear him to her if he starts bossing her about all the time. If he wants to set a rule for her, he should ask you about it and see what you think. If it's a rule you agree with, tell your daughter.
Talk to your daughter separately. Tell her that you want her to treat your partner with respect, and that if he has told her she should be home by 9pm (for example), that's the time she should be back. Make sure that everyone gets a fair hearing, but in the end, you are playing the centre role here. After a while, things will settle down into family life. The beginning is tricky and I think that he should refrain from taking a more vocal role for a while - that is, if he thinks she should be punished in a certain way (grounded etc) he should talk to you about it and then you should be the one to tell her. If he just comes out with "You're grounded!" to her, she might not take it well.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): You've raised her for 14 years so the responsiblity of parenting is heavily on yours. I say he has input but in the end, you decide. You know your daughter best. She loves and trusts you.
Most partners who join a family make the mistake of thinking they automatically get the same honor and treatments; equal rights to parenting and they would be mistaken.
Most partners are more of a supportive role and not the main star.
I say he can give you advice but you know best and trust in your gut-you're more seasoned.
He doesn't owe you or her.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (13 September 2007):
I think he should have a say. If you decided to move in with him I hope it was because you trust him totally. If not, why would you move in with him?
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A
female
reader, faith scott boreanaz  +, writes (13 September 2007):
 being a 14 year old girl is a very emotional and confusing time and your position right now must feel the same way. heres my advice. no he shouldnt and i'll tell you why, if he does she may rebel, i went through a similar thing when i was 13, my mum and dad split and she got a boyfriend. i found it hard to accept him and when he tried to punish me for something i rebelled against my mum and him because i felt like he had no right to tell me what to do as he wasnt my real father - i even went as far to hating my mum for it. my mum and dad are back together now. Your daughter is most likely to rebel and get stressed out if he starts punishing her, at least wait a year for her to settle with the idea. teenagers are prone to tantrams and rebelliations such as drugs smoking and running away because their life is so stressed as it is with the whole "No one understands me" concept.technically he legally has no authority over her so for now you sort out her punishments and only you punish her. All the best and lots of luck, Faith
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): i believe the answer is yes, he took you on and everything that goes with you, he deserves the same respect he gets from you from your daughter
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): Really that is your choice and do what you think is right and fair for your daughter. Sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him and find out what he thinks. He is new to all this as well so he may be finding it hard and not knowing what he should be doing.Personnaly I would ask him to help out with punishments and rules we were living together as it is his house as well now.Hope this is of some help
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