A
female
age
30-35,
* gr8 frnd..
writes:I have dated this guy long ago when I was 17 and he was 19. We were together for 3 months. By nature he is very secretive! and so no one among our common friends knew about us. Someday he gets a girl to the same group and introduces her as his girlfriend. As this happened in my absence I never spoke to him again.A year later we started talking on minimal basis.This professional conduct continued for another year. However one day when I was drunk I called him and we spoke for 9 long hours. And of what I know he's not a phone person!That's exactly when we started getting closer again. Yet he never freely spoke on where things had gone wrong.A week later he sneaked into my house at 3 a.m. That was adventurous and fun. We did make out.After summer we had definitely become friends. However, the rest of our friend circle wasn't aware about this. Last July we had sex! I felt very guilty of the act as we were not dating. Since then I have made several attempts to stop this but nothing has worked!Now it has been more than a year. Today I'm 21 and he's 23. He has been giving me mixed signals throughout. I have tried asking him once where he intends to take it.. he refused to answer and said let it go the way it is.It's not that I want commitment or am looking out for a relationship. For me i know this is more than just sex. I really dunno what it's with him! I have tried observing him however he always gives confusing signs.Sometimes he's very caring and does make me feel special but most of the time he makes me feel like a sex buddy!I can gather confidence to ask this to him directly maybe in fear of rejection. Plus I cannot trust him and also am not aware whether he has any other similar connections. I am too afraid to ask him!Please help me!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): i didnt understand your answer at all other than hes back on the phone to you and therefore more secret sex is on the cards.Maybe your guy is like me and not quite sure what you really want!But i think its pretty clear he wont give up the sex while you wont..so time for you to note nudge him to where you want to be in life.
A
female
reader, d gr8 frnd.. +, writes (22 September 2015):
d gr8 frnd.. is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has been chatting with me very normally.. so i wish to do this d next time he decides to want to meet up
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A
female
reader, d gr8 frnd.. +, writes (22 September 2015):
d gr8 frnd.. is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! I am very determined to go about.. I hope I don't melt down
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 September 2015):
 I need to make this clear to not only you, but any other reader of Dear Cupid on here who is thinking about entering a "Friends with benefits" (FWB) relationship:
1. If you want the relationship to lead ANYWHERE, never ever make it FWB.
2. A FWB is NOT a relationship. It is a selfish arrangement for one or both parties that is designed specifically to NOT lead anywhere.
3. Many people trick the other person into believing that entering into a FWB is a step to leading somewhere. It doesn't, and all it leads into is being used for sex until either one or the other gets bored with the arrangement, or one or the other meets someone else, or one person develops feelings and wants it to lead somewhere, in which case the other person bolts because they had no intention of it ever leading anywhere.
4. Tisha is right in that he has NOT given you mixed signals. He has used you from the start. The whole "kind and caring" thing he does is actually called the Girlfriend Experience, or GFE. What this means is that he wants it to FEEL intimate, especially when it comes to you having sex with him, but he doesn't want you to actually BE his girlfriend. So he doles out that treatment of you to keep you in his bed.
5. What healthy naturally progressing relationship starts out with being secret and not telling anyone you're having sex, and your dates consist of sneaking over to someone's house at 3am for a booty call? NONE! You see these things in cheaters and FWB's. He was definitely doing all of this behind another's back.
You're GOING to be rejected by this man if you try for more than to be used by him. This situation of FWB will never lead anywhere. The only way for you to get a relationship that will go anywhere is NOT with this guy. He does not want you that way, and he never ever will. In fact, you'll be used as an accessory to get his rocks off and to help him cheat on others.
I wouldn't want this bottom feeder to ever touch me again, to be honest. As a "more than FWB", he is utterly worthless.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 September 2015):
 He isn't giving you "mixed signals," he's actually been very clear that you are a secret sex buddy. I think you want more so are trying to read a deeper meaning into his words and actions. The relationship is exactly where he wants to "take it," which is to say that he gets to sneak into your bedroom and have sex and not have any of the obligations, duties and responsibility that an "official" boyfriend would have.
For you it might be more than sex, but for him I think it's mostly sex, with some sweet talk or words that make you feel special once in a while, to keep you sweet and willing to be available for him.
If you don't trust him, don't know him well enough to know if he has other FWBs and are afraid of being rejected by him, then perhaps it's time to be brave and end it.
The reason I suggest you end this is because I have a feeling that this FWB relationship may be keeping you from finding someone who IS available, and who might actually want to be your boyfriend. Unless you are okay with things being like this until or even beyond the time he chooses to get married? I don't think you would be, I know I wouldn't!
You wrote that you've made several attempts to stop this but nothing has worked. How did you try to stop this? Did you tell him it's over and then he comes over and convinces you otherwise? I think if you say it's over, then all you have to do is enforce that. It's not that difficult, is it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2015): i image your guy is a player and thats the reason for the secrecy which he will enjoy with others. However he thinks you are the most considerate fuck buddy ever because you tolerate all and must be smitten.If you are happy then you can just keep it like that but players generally like to do the chasing and conquering , so to speak.If you step back does he step forward? Mainly i think there is little point in expecting anything much out of a player because they play the game to defend themselves from women whilzt appearing to do it because they love women sooo much!
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