A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so my boyfriend and I had made plans to hang out today because it is his only day off from baseball practices and games. But this morning when I texted and asked if I was going to his house or if he was coming to mine, he texted back and said he had baseball practice and a grad party to go to. Sure, I was upset that he blew me off but I got over it. However, when I texted him and asked what he was doing he texted back and told me he was at Madison's grad party. Madison is his friend from diapers but anytime I see him around her he pays every once of attention to her and acts like a dick to me. The past couple days whenever I tell him I love him, he doesn't say it back. I always have to text him first and even when I do he talks forever to respond. He says its bc he doesn't get his notifications but he gets them for everything else. I cried today bc I feel like he is losing feelings and that I'm too clingy and annoying. I cried bc he blew off hanging out with me for another girl s grad party he just found out like two hours ago. When I texted him and was obvious that I was upset all he said was "okay". Am I overreacting or do u think this is an legit reason to think he is losing feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2022): He's only 16, and he really doesn't have the capacity to be totally faithful and reliable at such a young age. I do understand how you feel, but guys just don't take relationships so seriously at his age; but when they do, parents become very concerned for their daughters. Especially fathers! You're at an age when you should be socializing, making new friends, hanging out with your besties; and doubling-down on your schoolwork to prepare for college. You are also old enough to get a part-time job and earn your own money, if you want to.
Girls who get too deep into boys at your age often become very disillusioned and embittered; because they get frustrated with what is essentially still only a male child. You see all these really deep and romantic high school romances in movies and on TV; but the reality is, you're both still kids, and have plenty of time before you get so "deep." No, he isn't going to want to sit around cuddling with you; he has too much energy to keep still. He has friends, and other interests that keep him active and outgoing. In most cases, his parents are encouraging him to be focused on his schoolwork, be a good athlete, work towards an athletic scholarship; and don't get some girl pregnant while he's still a teenage-kid! It's not always his fault, sometimes his parents are making sure you two aren't getting too close. He won't tell you that, but it is sometimes the case. The rest is by his own choice, he doesn't want to act like your husband. He wants to see other girls, and he isn't mature enough to be so serious about one girl.
You're the typical healthy teenage-girl, just beginning to find-out what liking boys is all about. What you feel is a strong affection and attachment to a boy; but that is far from what real love is. You have quite a bit of emotional and psychological growth and development to undergo before you understand deep romantic-feelings that one might identify as being in-love. Let me tell you, we are well into and past our twenties before we really understand the complexity and depth of our feelings for other people. We often misinterpret our real feelings for other people, or their feelings for us. In time, you will learn.
We older-adults look back on the times we were your age, and realize it was really being in-love with being in-love. It's a wonderful feeling! You'll learn that the more you smother or try to corner people into loving you; the more they might pull-away. He's at an age he's like a big-kid in a candy shop when he sees so many pretty girls. He's going to act-up to impress his buddies, and they will tease him if he acts too "whipped" for a girl. He may be a little popular; so he gets lots of invitations from girls to their parties. He doesn't quite understand his feelings, and he has to learn how to be loyal to one girl at a time. Love is not quite the word for what you have just yet.
Everybody needs their heart broken at least once. You have to learn boundaries, you can't own people, you can't focus all your attention on just one person; and you have to also learn how to make friends and have fun as a teenager. Sitting around waiting for him to call, counting every minute you're apart, and neglecting your other friends is unhealthy. It will make you lose focus on your schoolwork, you'll be moody and disrespectful to your parents, your best-friend will feel left-out and forgotten. What other friends you have made, will just decide to walkaway from you; because they will not beg for your time and attention. They will leave you off their guest-lists for parties; and they will get tired of watching you pining and clinging to some guy who is basically enjoying his youth and being a boy.
Learn independence, get involved in sports, or get a hobby; be more well-rounded, and you'll handle rejection and dealing with stupid boys a little better, because you will have other things to keep you busy and happy. Focusing all your feelings on trying to keep-up with a guy will pull you away from other things you like to do. It will also make you needy and clingy; and when guys notice that, they will run from you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2022): "I cried today bc I feel like he is losing feelings and that I'm too clingy and annoying"Then you are the female version of me 26 years ago if I had had the girlfriend I thought I longed for back then.I think that your priority should be to focus on always aiming for being the best version of yourself that you want to be. Let that target serve as your anchor, instead of the pedestal on which you've placed your boyfriend.Don't needlessly overload your mind with considerations of why someone else does things the way s/he does. The number of possible scenarios to consider at this is just too overwhelming to be worth the effort.In Business school we learn a tool called a SWOT diagram. Try to list out your boyfriend's Strengths-Weaknesses-Opportunities presented-and-Threats to be considered, to have a more objective view on whether that pedestal is warranted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2022): "... but anytime I see him around her he pays every once of attention to her and acts like a dick to me. "
THIS is not OK. You have to know this OP. This kind of behavior is an attempt to control you (he may be unaware of this which means that this is something he automatically does). This is the way to make you feel inadequate, like there's something you have to do to make him notice you and be nice to you. Don't fall for this. You don't have to bend over backwards for him.
If he doesn't care about you he should leave you. If he's staying with you despite losing interest, he's a jerk who's feeding his ego.
Don't buy into "he's just insecure and doesn't know how to show his love". If he doesn't know how to show, he might as well not love you. And by the way this is not not knowing how to show, this is doing the opposite! He's hurting you.
You are very young. If you start accepting this as normal now, you are in for much bigger problems on the relationship front later. Love is not just a feeling. Love is how you treat those you profess to love.
He is witholding affection. If you google this, you'll find maybe other patterns of behavior that are controlling. He's trying to make you work hard to earn his affection.
On the other hand, you do need to back off for your sake. because all the drama is just feeding his ego. This is not about playing games, making him work hard to get to you. It's just being normal. You can't make poeple like you. There are so many boys (later on men) who will prove great once you get to know them. DOn' try to change those who are not.
Kissing a frog into a prince is not a story. It's a LIE.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 June 2022):
 I think you need to back off a little bit.
The more you "cling" the more HE will distance himself. You have "hung" him as your sun, your moon, and your whole universe. Don't do that. No one (besides you) can or should be your center of the universe, your everything.
Hang out with friends. Get a part-time job over the summer, or volunteer somewhere. Pick up a hobby or sport. You shouldn't put your LIFE on hold to hang out with him.
Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't make time FOR him, but don't sit around and WAIT for him to have time to see you! You are not a doll on the shelf.
Sometimes plans fall through. Seems like he had an extra day of baseball practice. Which happens. Maybe he forgot or didn't pay attention when it was announced. And as for going to a grad party of a family friend, I think you are being overdramatic here. It could be that his Mom mentioned that he should go, or his whole family is going. SHE is off to COLLEGE after the summer! It IS grad party season! My youngest has at least 12 parties to go to over the next week and a half. It's ridiculous! But that is what happens at the end of High School! It's tradition.
With that said, IF he often blows off plans with you for something else or someone else, then maybe he is taking you for granted. Expecting you to just get back on your shelf and wait until he MIGHT have time to see you. If this is a "one-off" of canceling a hang-out, then give him a little slack.
As I said, if I were you, I would DRY my eyes and back off. MAKE him WORK a bit to see you. If he sends you a one-word text, like OK. Then do the same. PUT in the effort HE is putting in. See if he notices and IF he picks up the slack. IF he doesn't then maybe he isn't as into you as he used to be and then YOU have to decide if you want a BF who is not REALLY into you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2022): Am sorry that you are hurting but can you not see that although you and this guy have been seeing each other he is entitled to decide who he wants to spend his time with, and how much of that time, and when, just as much as you are? If he wants to meet a friend or whatever he does not need permission - let's be honest even a husband and wife do not need each other's permission, even two people who live together and have done for many years and have kids together - if he says he is going to do this or that accept it, even if you do not like it, otherwise you come across as needy and clingy, which is very off putting. No point to texting him again later on asking where he is as if you are checking up on him and stalking him, or pestering him, he is entitled to that time away from you, including away from your phone calls and interruptions. Being needy and clingy is one of the most off putting things for a guy ! Making everything dramatic and serious all the time is too. Especially if you have not known them long or have not made any commitments to each other. There is a huge difference between two who are committed and serious and making plans to live together or two who are just seeing each other and can end it whenever they want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2022): I don't know if he is losing feelings, but since you are the one to say you are too clingy and annoying, then why don't you make an experiment- try to be less clingy and annoying and see what happens. Often in relationships the more one pushes, the more the other pulls - away. So if you are normally a bit too all over him, it's normal that he may be ,if not losing feelings,trying to carve space for himself.
And try to keep things in proportion.I understand that you did not like to be blown off and in the one day that you can spend together, but this was not any old party whatsoever, this was the party of his lifelong friend "from diapers ".
Then , it also depends from how often a thing happen.If this is a first , it's way early to despair- but if he starts blowing you off sort of regularly, or for unimportant social events, then yes ,it would mean that you are a low priority for him. So - stay calm ,do not harass him but keep your eyes open and see how things develop.
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