A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay well, my girlfriend and I recently broke up. We had been going out for a year and a half, and I thought it was going great. We had amazing times, and I was the typical nice guy, perfect boyfriend type, because that was the way I was brought up. I was always there for her in her times of need, and I ended up solving her problems a lot of the times. There was a lot of love between us. After a few months, she had to move 500 kilometres away, but we decided that we meant the world to each other and that we would fight. So I visited her and we saw each other, and we missed each other. The times we had together were amazing (according to both her and me), and she was truly happy then. Then the problems began. She started to make some friends there, and they were the friends of the type you generally avoid, stoners/loose girls, the type that hook up, party, get drunk and generally get disappointed in life. She started going out with them, and starting to lie about things to me. However, she still loved me, we would talk for hours on the phone and I was always there for her. We kept visiting, and we had our one year and it was the most perfect day of our lives so far, full of happiness, and I'm not just saying that, she told me this herself in person, you could really tell she loved it. She would always talk about our future and marriage, and ask me what to name our children. We were happy.However, due to the lies she had told me in the past, I had a problem with privacy. I used to read her inbox, and see what she was doing. She regularly went out and flirted with guys, but nothing further because she still loved me, at least according to what she wrote her friends. I found out that she had been smoking weed and getting drunk without telling me, and lying about it. My trust was broken and I couldn't live with her. When I confronted her, we had an emotional breakdown and we fought but she apologized and cried, and we got over it. Now you might not be reading this anymore, but I'm getting to it. We fought a lot, everyday in fact, but we would make up and be in love every night. She continued to visit and we spent a lot of time together, but she kept lying to me. I still loved her and I put up with it.I tried to be an amazing boyfriend, I treated her like a goddess and I took her on dates, bought her things, was her shoulder to cry on, made her smile and I made our times special. Soon however I guess I became paranoid that she would fall into the trap of drugs and partying (effectively ending our chances of moving back together) and I started to be too cautious. I called all the time, and got mad if she wasn't completely honest with me. (I thought this was normal, for her it wasn't). I told her if she loved me she wouldn't smoke (I made sure she stopped months ago because she had a period when weed was dragging her life down and I got her to stop and solve her problems) and I generally didn't like her going out with friends. I got mad when she started hanging out with a few boys at school that quite frankly are into her. I was just trying to keep us happy together but I went too far.So two weeks ago her friend visited her and that night she went out, lied to me, and smoked. When I confronted her about it, she suggested a break and demanding some time apart. So I gave her a break, in which I was terribly sad (I loved her) and she didn't talk to me for a week. After which, I decided I should let loose a little and let her live it up, only asking for faithfulness. She responded by breaking up with me. She said she didn't want to be committed anymore. We talked sporadically and she suggested she wanted me as a best friend, but I told her that since we were at one point in love, we couldn't just be friends because I cared about her too much for that. She started saying that she didn't actually want marriage, that I had "forced" her to speak about it. Today she came to my city for the first time in a month, and she told me we had to see each other. However, instead of seeing me, she decided to go out with her friend and three boys she had met a month earlier, at a club. They are now drinking and clubbing, and I think she might be hooking up, but I don't have proof. This is very disrespectful as she hasn't even talked to me in person! I feel that after a year and a half she should at least have a heart to do it after talking to me and giving me closure. I have had a hard time dealing with this because I loved her and I wanted a future with her, head over heels and all that. I trusted her and she lead me to believe that she loved me, it was the Hollywood type true love, until these past 2 weeks. I gave her all of my heart, and I realise this isn't very manly but I just loved her so much that I would have died for her.Now my question is, is it worth fighting for? Should I try to salvage true, first love? Should I put any effort into showing her how happy she was, if she doesn't? Basically, Is it worth fighting for?
View related questions:
a break, best friend, broke up, clubbing, drugs, drunk, flirt, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): I know this will be very hard, but you have to let it go. You had the good times, the good memories and the love, but you seem like a good person, this isn't deserving of the pain your getting.Even if it is a phase for her, if she puts partying before your love, how much does she really care?honesty is really important, and once its gone, its gone.Don't salvage it, its good you had that love, but its time to be single and eventually find someone new.Be happy for what you had, but it won't be pure the second time around.:)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Just a few notes.Sorry to hear this has happened to you.Unfortunately with some girls you can be the perfect boyfriend, but they fall for the opposite.Once trust is broken, it is very hard to mend it.Honesty is an important part in an relationship. A friend of mine said to me that no one should lie - it only makes it worse because everything eventually comes clean - they should just be honest and leave it up to the receiver if they want to leave or stay. A person who doesn't think that is important is a dishonest person.She broke up with you because she wanted to be free to live her life with other males (or females). I know you love(d?) her, but it is her life. She will make mistakes in your eyes (I've been there brother!). But she still wanted you in her life, as a friend. It hurts because (it seems) you loved her a lot more than she loved you (been there too!). And all the times you said about your love for her, maybe in some way she wants you there to give that when others knock her down. If that's true, it isn't fair to you, leading you on.Closure is good to have, but is rare to get. It's hard when you don't really know when it's over, especially if they keep dangling the carrot.Unfortunately there is no such thing as a Hollywood type true love.It is manly to admit these things, and for a person that doesn't want you to be around in that way, it's their loss.Now the answer to your questions:"Is it worth fighting for?" Well, it's not entirely for me to say. My opinion, from your description, no. You've fought all you really can fight for. If she doesn't want to, you can't make her love you. No matter how nice you are, how caring you are."Should I try to salvage true, first love?" If going by my previous answer, put it to rest. Move on. It'll take some time. Don't answer calls or messages. Don't ring. Just leave it be. It'll be hard (again, I've been there), but you can do it. Further down the road, you'll be thinking the girl you knew isn't the girl you know. The girl you knew you liked, the girl you know, not so much."Should I put any effort into showing her how happy she was, if she doesn't?" Again, if going by my previous answer, put it to rest. She'll think how she wants to think, and justify things in her own way. Usually it turns us males into the bad guys, even though they were the damaging ones.Again, try to move on. It'll take time, but you'll be better for it. It's character building.Hang in there, it's gets better :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I think you could make another girl very happy and you will feel much more appreciated. Yes, your gf/ex gf could be just going through some acceptance and partying phase that a lot of people go through, and yes I mean it when I say that she will one day regret losing you (if you are as perfect as you say you are) but she won't really regret the new experiences she had while lying to you. She's your first love, many people find it hard to let go of the person they shared their first love experience with but there has been many that moved on and found someone else who is truly their soulmate. You've given your chances to this first love of yours, it's time to give yourself a chance to be single again, have fun and find true love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Sorry to hear about all your troubles, and i know how hard it is for you. Sounds like you really love this woman and I can understand. However with her lying to you all those times and hanging out with guy friends that are into her, it really doesn't sound like she really loves you at all. Her saying I love you is totally different from her actually being in love with you. If she doesn't love you and doesn't show it then I really don't think that it's worth fighting for. Imagine this, you guys have only been together for a year and a half and already all this stuff has happened in your life. With her lying, smoking and now partying. Now if you were with her and eventually marrying her, this would be her attitude for the next 30 to 40 years! Maybe she'll change in the future, but as of right now she sounds very confused and a little bit young for a serious relationship. To me she needs to show some sort of action that shows she truly loves you and only you and you will always be her number 1 in her life. If she doesn't show that then she doesn't feel as strong for you as you do for her.
...............................
|
