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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Should I try to get back with my ex even though I don't know what I want? Me and my on/off ex boyfriend of over a year broke up in October but continued to fool around whenever he wasn't in a relationship. He started a relationship with a good friend of his who declared her love to him and they've been together for a few weeks. He has a reputation for getting through women very quickly, and moving onto the next one in a matter of days. But I thought this one would be different as she loves him (and has done for a long time) and they've known eachother for 6 years. But on Saturday he called me out of the blue asking to meet up. Unfortunately I was in London celebrating New year so I couldn't see him, but when he calls me like that it usually means he's single and wants to fool around (I know this out of experience with him). I told him when i'd be back home, and if he wants to catch up he can call me, which he said he'd do. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression brought on by college and the break up of that relationship, and it's not improving. I've realised that as I'll be at college for another 2 years I'll probably feel this way for another 2 years, so nothing can change there. However, being with this guy makes me happy and there's a chance I can get back into a relationship with him if I talk to him, and i'm almost certain it will pull me out of this rut. But there's so much to lose. If he says no then my pride is hurt and I may never hear from him again and I'll become even more depressed, and if he says yes then there's a chance it'll last a few weeks or months and then it'll end and I'll be back to where I am now. Also, a relationship is a lot of effort which I don't know if I can find in me at the moment. I also feel almost as if I'm using him as a tool to help me get better, which is really unfair on him and could damage our relationship permanently. I can't stand feeling like this and I know that I feel more myself when I'm with him then I do at any other time, but I still don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Sound advice from Anon below, I don't see how this guy has been a tool for helping you get over depression, if anything it is prolonging your agony.
I hope you are in therapy and telling your therapist the honest truth about how you allow this guy to sleep with you when he is between dates.....this is doing your self esteem no good at all, you seem to think somehow that you are a lucky girl that this guy gives you the crumbs and you just know he loves you.
He may very well have some feelings for you, but he is grossly immature and screwed up and he is not treating you with the respect and love you deserve...you are getting the kind of relationship you want from him nor are you feeling happy when you seem him or you would not be anxiously worrying and writing for advice here as if you are looking from some outside confirmation that yest indeed this man loves you.
Love is all about committment and BEHAVING in a loving way towards a partner, this man is not actively loving you, and if you want things to ever turn around with him, you need to stop taking him back and being the doormat because he will never be motivated to change or to respect you...but I would ask yourself the very hard question, are you sure of what you want, a guy that changes women like he changes his underwear? This would not be the character of the man that I would want to spend my lif with even for five minutes, but you decide.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): What many folk on here don't seem to "get" is that an ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, lover, is just that: an EX. That means part of your PAST. He/She is history as far as you are concerned. You get on with your life and your FORMER lover gets on with his. You don't socialize, don't talk on the phone or text or email.
What do you think "broken up" or "break up" means? Yeess, riiiight......it means the relationship is broken. Ended.
To get to your specific question: what are you doing, getting together to fool around whenever he isn't in a relationship? He's using you for sex. He's not serious about trying to make things work with you.
Consider: his new gf told him she "loved" him when they had been dating a few weeks. Not possible. She could be infatuated with him, but love? Love takes a lot longer to develop over time and accepting one another as is, warts and all when the dizzying rush of infatuation has worn off. Love is being willing to commit when and if you both realize you're a good match.
But him? He picks up women and then dumps them quickly. He uses them to get his jollies (sex). And why was he calling you if he is supposedly seeing this new lady? He shows no respect for you, for her, or for any of the other women he meets, has sex with, then drops. He sounds as if he has the morals of an alley cat, to put it bluntly.
Makes you happy, does he? Hard to see how, from this side of the computer. IF you CAN talk him into getting back with you, what is going to happen? Would he be willing to be exclusive with you - or would you go for a few months, and then it ends once more? Is that what you want?
You have been diagnosed with clinical depression, partly due to college and partly because of this relationship. Sorry to tell you, but you said yourself if he says yes then it will most likely only last a short time and you'd be even more depressed.
Do yourself a favor and let this man go! Don't risk getting more deeply into depression than you are now!! At least you will only have the effects of college to deal with, and with medication and counselling it could well be easier than you think.
Getting back with him is just not worth it, from what you tell us.
You really do deserve to be able to finish college with good grades and position yourself for a career, and to meet a man who will like, and then hopefully, come to love you for who you are. Someone who will respect, befriend and support you emotionally.
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