A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Girls, here's one for you, or maybe I should be asking the boys, cus maybe they just might understand better. Anyway this is it. My husband has a thing for porn. At first I wasn't happy about it because it was all done in secret, and when I tried to bring it out in the open he lied about it. I felt he was behaving like a naughty boy with his hand in the sweet jar, and mummy had caught him, so he lied to spare the embarrassment. He also said he didn't want to upset me, but in fact the lies upset me far more than the porn. Then I asked him to just be open about it, don't hide it, but hey presto he's done it again, and almost passed out when I saw stuff in his mail box from sex sites. Problem is, I know when we watch porn together it does absolutely nothing for him, and thats obviously because I'm there, there's no thrill. Where he comes from its almost the norm for the men to be married and have a woman somewhere else in the village - the thrill is in the wife not knowing - and I put this to him today and he says I'm spot on, that its absolutely true. The thrill for him is in it being private, me not knowing. OK, so now we hit base. So question is - what do I do about it? Do I let him carry on at least that way knowing he's only playing on the net and not out there doing it with other women as they do in the village? I have to say I don't really like it, and find it hard to come to terms with, but I also feel banning it is also asking for trouble. He says now he knows how much it upsets me he won't do it anymore. But if its in his nature and his culture, I just don't see that happening. What are your thoughts please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I just had the same issue, and I am newly wed. For me I feel like I have lost all the sexy within me. He wont stop, and I've been bumming out for a couple of days. Cant seem to get over it. Guess we got 2 options, accept it, and prepare ourselves for the next let down, or move on. I'm sure the likleyhood of findind a mate that isnt in to this kind of thing is slim. Yet, here we are, using the internet properly;)
A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Where does he come from? Very odd. Anyway, it's no excuse to say "it's a culture thing". It's not a "culture thing" for you.
I think your greatest difficulty is that he doesn't want to share it with you, and that I find unusual. Men usually like porn because it represents sexual areas that they can't quite find in their partners, and once the partner is involved and the man's embarrassment of his particular likes and dislikes is out in the open betwen him and his partner, then everything works beautifully.
There are a number of approaches I think you could take. You could be totally confrontational and tell him to stop if he won't share it with you - or tell him simply to stop because you don't like him doing it and as far as you are concerned he is being unfaithful. That would be the conventional approach, and the one that most women would probably take. I have a feeling it wouldn't work in this case.
The way you phrased part of your question was interesting: "I felt he was behaving like a naughty boy with his hand in the sweet jar, and mummy had caught him." Was that deliberate? What I'm getting at here is whether that's exactly what he wants. You say that the thrill for him is, in part at least, it being private and you not knowing. But does he want to "get caught"? And does he want to be punished?!! Just an idea. Have you looked at the sort of porn he is browsing? Is there anything in it that gives you a clue? If you find a particular interest or fetish or whatever, then that may be the answer you have been looking for - and the "thrill" of doing it in secret may be replaced by some very real thrills that you can be part of IF that's what you want to do.
I hope I'm right - because although your question makes clear you are extremely annoyed with him over this, I get the impression that it's more a matter of him not involving you in any of it rather than hating him looking at porn because it's porn.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 April 2008):
How did you not realise his views on this before you got married?
I don't care if they dance naked down the street and have sex with trees "where he comes from". That is not an excuse.
It's just like girls who put up with their husbands hitting them because "he had a bad childhood."
If it upsets you and he has said he will stop then you should hold him to that.
He's chosen you, not his village. It's his duty to keep you happy and in return it's your duty to keep him happy.
I can understand the whole thing of having a respectable wife to be a mother and a sexy mistress, but times have changed. As his wife you are allowed to be sexy, he doesn't need to go looking for a girl who's wearing a sexy bra and pants - he should just suggest that you get a pair.
Good Luck!! xx
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