A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an "emotional" affair which didn't involve any sex but did involve me falling head-over-heals for the other woman. I'm well aware I'm a bastard for doing what I did, but I still need help. The other woman and I discussed things and decided stopping things was the best course. We're both confused and don't want to cause any more hurt to others.My girlfriend and I have a lot of problems and I'm trying to give our eight year relationship a chance to grow stronger. I've been reading about how I might be "addicted" to this other woman and it sure seems to be the case. Everything I read seems to be spot on. I watched myself devolve into a selfish serial liar.Anyway, I have a chance to see the other woman at a group dinner in a friendship capacity and while up until today I thought I was over her and it would genuinely be a casual social encounter, I'm finding myself slipping into my old "addictive" behaviors and thinking more about her. I really want to go to see her but I KNOW I shouldn't. Should I tell my girlfriend what I'm thinking? That seems like the best way. I don't deserve her compassion at all, but if honesty is the only way to build a good relationship, isn't that what I have to do? What if I don't tell my gf what I'm thinking and just skip the dinner? Will this just happen again?And I know some of you will say "If you love your gf...". Well, I don't know if I do. I'm trying to rebuild and re-explore that relationship and she knows this. My gf is 100% committed to making our relationship work again.This seems to me like a substantial hurdle I need to get by.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 ps
it strikes me that what you really want is for someone to tell you whether it is ok to give in to your curiosity and go to this dinner, within all conscience.
i almost think it is. you may have made things bigger and more important in the absence of this woman. you might see her again and her not be so what you want.
let's face it .. you are likely to leave your gf for the other woman, if you really want the other want and you have the guts. otherwise you will take the other path - living a vague lie and quite unhappy, but keeping the status quo. boldness or the quiet life. your choice.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (11 November 2009):
Don't tell her about the other woman. No way. That will change her world forever. Don't do it.
As for what you do with yourself ... you have to decide really if you want to be with your gf or with the other woman. If you choose the other woman, you need to leave yr gf and not immediately set up with the other one, to make it easier for your gf. Don't leave her feeling she has been left for someone else.
If you decide to stay with her. keep this other woman as one of those maybes that never happened. At the moment you are safe, and everything is safe ... precisely because you haven't made your feelings public, or known to your gf. Keep it like that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): hey,i think u are taking a big risk here.by telling ur gf about this other woman will destroy her trust for you and that trust will be hard to gain back. you sed ur relationship has been problamatic and it seems to me that you are holding onto a relationship that seems to be going nowhere. i know u sed not to say if u love ur girlfriend but im afraid it has to be sed that if u do love her then u wudnt be thinking these addictive thought about another woman. going to the dinner may only increase ur feelings for this other woman and if ur gf finds out about this through someone else it will hurt her even more. the fact is this, you have to think carefully about the implications of your actions and think wot wud be best for all three of you. to be honest i think it wud be better if you didnt go to the dinner and sit with ur gf and tell her wot u have done with that other woman and see how things go form there. the worst that cud happen wud be that ur relationship ends but then again maybe u cud discuss where you think ur relationship went wrong? whether you have a future? whether you are both happy?because it seems to me that you are not totally happy with ur relationship and maybe you are looking for something better in this other woman. good luck. remember its ur choice but ur gf and the other woman have feelings to and imagine how the wud fel if they found out wot uve been doing....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Hi mate. I'm in exactly the same position. What is it about the other woman that you like so much and how is she different to your gf?
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