A
female
age
51-59,
*otchicklegs
writes:I was abused by my dad as a child. I have had counselling and I am now a mother. All the family know about it except the children. My daughter is now 9 and I think its time she knew. My husband disagrees and said she will become frightened of him. Any contact my daughter and son has with my dad is only when I am there. However as my daughter gets older, at some stage she may come into contact with him whilst I am not there, ie teenage years. Should I tell her? And how much should I tell her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jodiesmith +, writes (22 September 2008):
What did you decide to do please let us know??
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (17 September 2008):
 Tell her everything. I don't know why men spend their lives trying to protect other men. Ugh.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): how can you even associate with this man,i wouldnt have even said he was my father,bannish him from your lives for ever
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A
female
reader, Jodiesmith +, writes (17 September 2008):
i wouldnt want to upset your husband and it seems he feels strongly and I dont blame him - I think you should stop the contact between your children and your father - and explain to your children that grandad is a bad man - thats all. although i understand that you want her to be safe and feel you need to explain, i really wouldnt advise it - take away the danger - your father - keep your husband happy - and enjoy your loving family!
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A
female
reader, RollingRollingRolling +, writes (17 September 2008):
I think you should let her know, it's always best. The same situation was in my family - my mum was abused by her dad - but he died before I was born, so it wasn't so hard for her to tell me.
Don't tell her too much - just let her know the nature of the abuse, but don't go into the details. Tell her not to be scared of him, and treat him the same as everyone else - with caution. This is the best way to keep her safe.
Hope this helps :)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 September 2008):
I really don't understand why you are letting them have a relationship with their granddad at all if he is a paedophile.
There is no way you can explain that "granddad is a bad man, like the strangers we tell you not to speak to when you go out, now let's go and visit him!"
If you involve him in their lives, then you take the risk. Cut him out of their lives and your problem is solved.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 September 2008):
 I suggest you get support from this, survivor support groups as they will have experience with the best way of dealing with this.
Whatever you do, be very careful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): Keep your children away from your Dad and never tell them what happened to you in your younger days. You can talk to them generaly about sex and how to protect themselves from such perverts. Do not pin point any persons. I am sure, your father is brought up by his parent or parents in a very wrong way. Do not let your children do such things when they become parents.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): She needs to know. She doesn't need to know ALL the gory details, just enough to warn her that she may be at risk, and she should also know that she should never ever be alone with him. If she becomes frightened of him that won't be a bad thing - she'll keep her distance.
If he's not on the sex offenders register he should be. If he wasn't charged with any offence in the past he should have been, and it's never too late to press charges in cases like this. Do whatever you have to do to protect your daughter.
If I were you I wouldn't let her have any contact with him whatsoever, but that's your choice. Do you really want to take the risk of her being abused too? Once a paedophile, always a paedophile I'm afraid - it's an acknowledged fact that there's no cure for it.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (17 September 2008):
 For the risk factor, yes there comes a time when your daughter in particular should know, however I dont think that time is just now.
Being an abused child myself (not by my dad but someone else that I trusted)I can honestly tell you that it will instill fear into her. Also, if you tell her the wrong way, she may feel that all men are the same and that even the likes of her dad would do that to her. So you have to be so careful to make sure that you tell her in such a way so that she knows that it isnt normal and that your dad was "not right in the head".
At age 9 they are so fragile and have to be dealt with in a very special way. So I agree with your husband for the moment.
All you will have to do is ensure that your kids know what is and isnt proper behaviour by an adult and what they MUST and MUST NOT do if anything should happen to them. Start preparing them now for something you tell them much later on. Tell them what an adult or person must not be permitted to do and make them understand about "bounderies". That is all you should do just now, and obviously make sure that your kids are always supervised when they see him.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 September 2008):
 I think you should tell her eventually and certainly before she's at risk of being alone with him. If it changes the way she feels about him so be it. It was his own doing anyway. Forewarned is forearmed. Do whatever is needed to protect your children.
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