A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:me and my bf have been going out for 9 months were both 17 and boths virgins! but when i was like 7 or 8 i was sexually abused like i was never made have sex just made do other things with this guy who was 20ish i never ever told anybody and im over it now but i dont know whether i should tell my bf or not because i dont want him to think theres something wrong with me or im 'damaged goods' or something please please help!thanks so much! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I'm going through problems right now after 16 years of marriage because of this same issue. While we were dating, he did ask me straight out b/c his first wife had been sexually abused as a child. He told me he never wanted to go through that again without knowing.
Like you, I was "over it" and I was leading a normal life. I wanted to spare him the hurt of knowing, and because I was ashamed of it....besides--I was FINE. Why should I burden him with that if it wasn't mentally or physically affecting me? As far as I was concerned, it was done and in the past.
We got married, had our first child, and I fell apart. I became depressed and started having panic attacks!
I confessed to him about the 10 years of sexual abuse in my past, and while he was very understanding and supportive, he still is resentful to this day that I didn't tell him before we were married. I still feel the repercussions of it daily.
To not tell him is to take away his choice and free will.
Trust is something that is easily lost and almost impossible to rebuild.
If he loves you, he will be there no matter what. I may wait until you are talking about the possibility of marriage, but don't wait until after you're married.
I sure wish I could do it all over again, given the chance, b/c I certainly would have told him the truth.
Good luck with your difficult decision.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): Me and my girlfriend have been going our for 11months and were both 17, she went through the same thing as u but not that young like 3 years ago, she told me about it n she keeps telling me if anything has happened or making her upset about that guy, she still trying to get over it, she has had therapy but it kinda made it worst, making her remember what happen.
I wud say its a good thing to tell him cause then u'll have that off ur shoulders n make ur relationship going strong still. he'll understand.
But if u don't want to bring but the memories don't tell him.
But this is all mainly up to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): A child can carry the burden of abuse into adulthood. Later functioning and relationships can be badly affected.
It would be wise to deal with it now, therapeutically if necessary, so that you can rise above it.
A partner in any meaningful relationship you enter into should be aware of it and learn how to deal with it.
Such secrets buried in the recesses of the mind are troublesome. I've been there.
...............................
A
male
reader, Forgiveness  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 First things first !
Great to hear that you are both virgins. I tell you one thing young lady. Keep it that way.
Hmmmmm, it's sad that most women that i know , have been sexually abused as kids. For some this carries scars that take very long to heal. For some it's rather fast.
In your case i am not sure whether this bother's you because of you or it does so because of the man you are with ??.I feel you are worried about the impact of the disclosure on your man. In that case it sounds like you , at personal level are over the abuse.
Well, there are no secrets between a man and woman as husband and wife. If i was choosing to marry someone then i would make sure that i left no skeletons in the closet.
Any man who loves you for the wonderful young woman you are, will accept you as you are and will make sure that he doesn't do anything that could make things worse for you. In fact, he would love you just the same if not more after such disclosures.
A man who cannot accept you with your past if not worthy of you!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): If you were really over this alleged "abuse," you wouldn't be dwelling on it. If you're over it, you're over it; move on with your life. If you're not over it, or he asks you about it, then you should be able to talk about it, and he should be able to be a sympathetic listener. However, if it is going to turn into something that you bring up every time he turns around, that'll kill your relationship for sure. Since you say that you weren't penetrated and you are "over it," I recommend not mentioning it all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Of course you're not 'damaged goods.'
I don't really think that you are 'over it' even though you would very much like to be, otherwise, this would not have come up as a worry for you. And why you would think that you are 'damaged goods' now is of concern for me.
Is there some chance that your abuser will talk with your boyfriend and tell him something that isn't true? I think that the best thing you can do is to ask for help, and not expect your boyfriend to deal with this until you have started to deal with it in a real therapeutic environment first. It would be the best for you and for your relationship with him.
You're still young, and getting married and a longer term relationship are still in the future for you. I think that you should ask to see a counselor or therapist as soon as you can to help you start to deal with this.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, and that you've been subjected to abuse while you were still so young and didn't have any way to cope with it. It's not fair on you AT ALL!
Please, please, contact your GP or a trusted adult for help in dealing with this now, so that you can get it set to rights, and so that you can enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship with your new boyfriend.
It is not your fault. You are not to blame. You are not damaged goods. You simply need some help in finding out what happened to you and how best to cope with it now.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, x..BabyGirl..x  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Some people have said about not telling him because he's young and it'll be difficult to process. If you do end up married then you tell him, he's gunna be upset that you've not told him before.Tell him, relationships need and should have trust, if you don't trust him with this, then the relationship wont get stronger
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): hey, i was in the same situation as you are a few months ago, my boyfriend was very understanding about what happened and was glad that i told him and hadnt kept it from him. This improved our relationship because we were able to discuss anything from that point on. I think that you should tell your boyfriend if you think its the right thing to do and can trust him, knowing that he will understand; not joking about it. hope this helps
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (9 June 2008):
 No, do not tell. Not a good idea. You don't need to unload on him as it may be too heavy and freak him out as well as make you seem vulnerable. You are vulnerable. Talk to someone else (adult, counsellor, trusted senior)about it and use what you learn to help you decide whether he is trustworthy enough and good enough for you to consider having sex with. He will not thank you for making him feel responsible for you, he is too young. Sorry it happened to you by the way but you have to be able to look after yourself and say no, not be afraid of disappointing people by saying no. I would consider telling a potential husband but not a young boy who could tell anyone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I dont think it is a matter of being damaged goods or something is wrong with you.
When it comes to relationships, telling someone about your secrets depends on how much you can trust someone. In my opinion, being with someone for 9 months isnt long enough to really tell if you can trust that person with personal information like that. I would keep this to yourself or talk to a counselor or someone really close to you like your mother or aunt who you KNOW will stick around.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 June 2008):
I wouldn't tell him unless you have a serious reason to.
Although 9 months is a pretty long time and you have nothing to be ashamed about what happened, but you have to consider what he might do if this relationship ended. What damage would it do to you if he told people?
It happened a long time ago and if it doesn't cause you problems that you need to explain to him then I wouldn't tell him until you're about to get married.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
