A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 24 year old female and had been dating a 26 year old guy for about 5 months. We go to graduate school together. He's a really sweet guy that has great morals and values. He usually initiates calls/text messages 80% of the time, he's really thoughtful, and he does sweet things for me (cook, help with car issues, etc). Even though we're really different people, he's the first person I've dated that I could see myself with in the future.The problem is, throughout the 5 months, we never had "the talk". We both knew we weren't seeing other people but I always waited to see if he would ever bring up a conversation about where he saw this going or if he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me. I also tried to make sure he wasn't only interested in having sex with me by making him wait about 3 months before sex.I went out of town recently and when I came back, he picked me up with flowers at the airport, and planned a day full of activities. I slept over at his place and the next morning, I forced myself to bring up "the talk" at the risk of sounding needy. I basically said: it's entirely your right to continue dating and keep your options open, but I want to let you know that I'm looking to be in an exclusive relationship with the right person; and I want to know if we're on the same page.There was kind of an awkward pause, and he eventually replied saying that he wasn't sure. He said that he liked me a ton, but couldn't be sure if he could see a future with me. I spoke calmly with him about it and told him that he should think about it and let me know the next time we hang out.He contacted me and came over the next day to talk. We sat on my couch and he said that he thought about it all day and felt depressed. He said that what made him depressed wasn't so much the thought that he'd lose me, but more so that he didn't want to hurt me in the long run by leading me on. For 2 hours, he basically showered me with compliments, saying that I was so refreshing, smart, amazing, perfect, tons of fun, his parents would love me, etc. But he couldn't see a future with me. He also said he seemed to run into this problem with other girls, and partially admitted to being a commitment-phobe (he hasn't been in a very long relationship for someone his age). I could tell he was really distraught with the topic, because he couldn't make a decision and he kept on offering possibly going back to dating for a couple more weeks just to see how it would go. Even though I wanted to, just so that I could prevent losing him, I said that I didn't think a couple more weeks was going to change his mind about me. So he just broke it off with me, saying that he knows he's going to regret this decision. He also said that I was an amazing person and didn't want to lose our friendship. Then, he left. I'm a pretty strong person. I didn't cry in front of him, but I still got that horrible feeling in my throat and chest. I had been dumped before, but this was the first time that I really couldn't be mad at him. He was so honest, and if anything, it made me like him even more. Ever since, I haven't contacted him (it's been a week since the breakup). However, I see him at school sometimes, and I just act normal and happy. He also proceeded to text me throughout the week, saying stuff like "hope your day went well" and "let me know if you need help studying this weekend". Last I heard from him was a couple days ago, when he sent me a picture of the pumpkins we carved together a week ago. I haven't responded to anything, so it's pretty much been a one way conversation. I don't understand his intentions of texting me, if he broke up with me. I am sticking with no contact (with the exception when I see him at school, I act cordial), but I do want to get back together with him because he's a great person. Is there anything I can do to increase my chances of him wanting to be in a relationship with me? Or is there no chance, considering he's already made up his mind about the future? Should I stick with no contact, or should I be his friend? Does anyone have any experience with dating a commitment-phobe and getting them to commit to you? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. So far, it's been about 2 weeks of NC since the breakup. I've been doing pretty well, just concentrating on myself and having fun with friends. About 2 days ago, he texted me "Hey I know you don't want to talk to me, which I understand. But I want you to know that I miss you a lot and that if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask". This is a little frustrating, because he's the one that ended it with me; so why is he trying to bring up feelings if he won't even do anything about it? If I wait about another week or two, until it's been about a month post-breakup, and I ask to be friends with him, will it be possible that he will want to be with me?How can I increase my chances that he'll want to be in a relationship with me? By being friends with him? Or by staying in NC/ignoring him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Well, that depends. A lot of people believe the man should chase the woman (you should read/watch "He's Not That Into You"). But honestly, if everything was fine until you had "the talk", you might just have to suck it up and see how it goes without ever getting that confirmation (I know, the idea of this SUCKS, because us women need that). It's like people that will have committed relationships, but don't believe in marriage. He isn't quite ready to say he's exclusive with you, but he sounds like a really great guy. At least you know he'll always be 100% honest with you, which isn't the case with most guys. There are some men who will say they're exclusive with you, then cheat and never say a word about it. You have to decide if this is something you can deal with. I know you've already tried talking to him about this, but maybe you guys should try talking again. See if he wants to give it another shot. I don't think he'd be texting you, unless maybe he wants to just be friendly. He might not know what he wants. Men like this need freedom. They need to think that you can be happy in a relationship, even without establishing how "serious" it might be. He might even just need more time to decide how he feels about you. Either way, he sounds very genuine and I personally think you should give it another shot, but do so knowing that yes, you might get hurt. You've got to experience the sour to appreciate the sweet, my dear. And who knows, you might end up marrying the guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Honestly, if everything was fine until you had "the talk", you might just have to suck it up and see how it goes without ever getting that confirmation (I know, the idea of this SUCKS, because us women need that). It's like people that will have committed relationships, but don't believe in marriage. He isn't quite ready to say he's exclusive with you, but he sounds like a really great guy. At least you know he'll always be 100% honest with you, which isn't the case with most guys. There are some men who will say they're exclusive with you, then cheat and never say a word about it. You have to decide if this is something you can deal with. I know you've already tried talking to him about this, but maybe you guys should try talking again. See if he wants to give it another shot. I don't think he'd be texting you, unless maybe he wants to just be friendly. He might not know what he wants. Men like this need freedom. They need to think that you can be happy in a relationship, even without establishing how "serious" it might be. He might even just need more time to decide how he feels about you. Either way, he sounds very genuine and I personally think you should give it another shot, but do so knowing that yes, you might get hurt. You've got to experience the sour to appreciate the sweet, my dear. And who knows, you might end up marrying the guy.
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