A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here's my dilemma? My boyfriend and I are 23. We live in different states, 800 miles apart. Right now I'm living with my parents, making $2,000 a month. I have $3,000 saved. But, I have $10,000 in credit card debt and $10,000 in student loans. I also have poor credit which happened during unstable, abusive previous relationship.(That's why I moved back in with parents.) I get a long with my parents but miss the independence of living on my own, and I'm not fond of my hometown at all. I actually strongly dislike living here. And I miss my boyfriend. Right now I'm struggling between three options:Option 1 (Which is the most gratifying to me)Save for 8 months. Get a job transfer. (do-able with my company) I make about 2,000 a month. Just pay monthly on the debts, and have about $14,000 for savings, moving, and re-establishing myself near to where my boyfriend lives (although cost of living is slightly higher.)Get room-mates. Get to be with my boyfriend whenever I want. I like his town, it's nice. However we've been dating less than a year. But I think he's the one. I love him a lot.If I do this, this means a couple things. I'll still have bad credit, and the debt to pay off. So it will take longer, and I may want to get a second job over there, like on weekends or something.Also, once I go, there's no moving back in with my parents AGAIN, I've already done it a couple times because of the abusive relationship so this is it. So is that amount of money saved enough to sustain me in case something goes wrong.Option 2 (The painful, PAINFUL one)Suck it up, stay with my parents for the next FIVE YEARS, save about $100,000 and no debt, minus the cost of flying back and forth (we would take turns ideally) and other misc. expenses (besides the debt there wouldn't be much) and so at the point I could live very comfortably by myself. Or get married and be happy knowing we have savings and could probably buy a house, too. Option 3 (Not really liking this one)Stay home until I get married and save an indeterminable amount of money. I like this one the least because I want to live on my own without a spouse.Can any one offer advice please? This is a big decision for me. I need help!!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 Life is short. I would choose the 1st option. Be happy now than be happy somewhere in the future. Who knows what will happen in the future?
Your debts will never finish. If you can pay them , there is no worries.
Live for the present .
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 March 2010):
 I guess you are asking about the emotional aspects of this rather than the financial. You seem to have done some really great research on the money end. I suspect you are already getting "Fatherly Advice" from your own father, But I have a bit to toss in.
This has more to do with your relationship with yourself than it does with your relationship with your boyfriend or with your parents. Many people who have been in abusive relationships feel the same way. They tend to blame themselves in part for all that happened. As if they consciously allowed themselves to be abused. So you don't trust yourself 100%. You question your own decisions. This is probably a good thing, if you don't take it too far. You can be paralyzed by your own self fear. In my opinion you need more time to heal. You are not ready to move or get married yet. You probably still need the safety net your parents are able to provide.
I would suggest a more moderate course than the 5 year plan. Most young people start out with less than 100,000. Having that would definitely make you feel more secure. But, I feel that your insecurity is coming more from inside, and the emotional abuse. I would stay home and keep working for another year. Then reevaluate your situation. Also see if you can get a counselor, without breaking the bank. I've seen so many relationships go sour that I hate to see you risk everything to be near the boy you have only known a year. You wanting to live singly for a while is part of your healing and proving to yourself that you are trustworthy. I'm not sure it is necessary, but I'm an amateur. If you can learn to trust yourself you might not need that.
In summary, there is more to security than money. Focus on your self, and healing. Reevaluate frequently, don't jump into a big decision yet.
FA
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