A
male
age
30-35,
*hris1123
writes:I've never been overly distressed about my looks. At the very worst, I'd say I'm average looking, but really I used to get plenty of attention from guys. Recently however, pretty much any message I send on any app is ignored. If I do get a reply, I often feel they're just being polite and they usually stop talking after 2/3 messages. On the rare occasions that somebody messages me, they're almost always grossly overweight, decades older than me, or not out. All of my friends are in successful relationships and I can't even get people to speak to me. Should I just accept that I'm no prize and settle for someone even if I'm not attracted to them? It might sound like a silly question but the reality is that pretty much nobody seems interested. I genuinely cant understand why I get so little attention, cos I don't think I'm that awful, but that's the reality. And I'm afraid of being left behind alone
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (16 October 2015):
 The social media thing has backfired on you. You wanted your ego massaged by people trying to be your virtual friend.
And now it isn't working you feel unwanted - boohoo!
Get off social media and find a real life with flesh and blood people.
Did you ever see people walking down the street looking at their phones and missing the world passing by. I'll bet you did - unless of course you were looking at your phone too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2015): What you might want to do is just meet nice people in-general; and when you run across someone you find interesting, strike-up meaningful conversation. Flirt, and not expect anything much but a smile. That's encouraging.
One day people will realize that social media and technology has sterilized and dehumanized dating. Everyone thinks they've got a prize, or they are validated, by snagging one of the people with the pretty profile pictures and profiles that read like resumes or travel ads. They paint a beautiful picture of their personalities to match their pretty faces. Then you've got to wonder, why someone that hot is alone, or has to go on a dating site? They are either the devil, or crazy as a loon!
Mainly, because they feel the same way you do. Or, all they've got going for them is looks; and a few great vacation shots to prop them up and sweeten the fantasy pot.
You'll discover they are shallow, dull, lonely, and as pretentious as any other person can be. They advertise well, but seldom live-up to their profiles. People believe anything a handsome or pretty face tells them. They just want to be close enough to touch them, and feel attractive just by association.
Get real!!!
Oh, I know a lot of people are going to jump in there and say "oh I found the love of my love on the internet." Oh, please! If only you could get the whole story behind the claims. Anecdotal tales that are filled to the gills with embellishment. "I'm just so freaking lucky!" Just be a fly on the wall, and you'll see the truth. They didn't find squat right off the bat. They had to kiss all kinds of frogs and trolls, and those were the prettiest ones! It's when they come back down to earth and search for the right things that they'll find, or get found.
Not without going through hell and back will you find true love. Those who get a lot of dates have suffered what you've suffered online. The online process is as painstaking as dating and weeding through real-live people. The difference being, you have a device to hide behind. Truly, dating sites broadens the search, gives you further reach; but social media can't hide the real person that you are. It's when you meet these people; when you'll discover what and who they really are. You're inadvertently dodging a lot of bullets.
You may not have found a steady boyfriend; but your options are open, and you can try all sorts of ways to meet a nice guy. Settling is giving up, just because you couldn't satisfy your sense of entitlement. What you wanted hasn't come along fast enough for you. Maybe because you have the wrong attitude, need self-improvement, and like our many female counterparts out there; you're on a desperate man hunt. You concern yourself too much about what other people have. You don't count your own small blessings. So life is miserable. Find some joy and fun out of life, and your outlook will change. It will shine and project outwardly, and guys will notice. You're gloomy and desperate, and that's all anybody sees. If you write like that, you act like that, and you talk like that.
First of all, you are judging your success by not finding someone immediately. As if real people sit on speed-dial and you can magically summon a perfect match on the spot.
My young friend, love isn't found in a hot minute. It takes time and selection. Your need for immediate gratification will only frustrate you. All you'll find are hookups like that. Not people with depth, character, and warmth. They just may not be that pretty, but judge not only as far as skin-deep. Prospects don't have to be butt-ugly either. You're exaggerating and going to extremes with that nonsense.
People find each other most often totally by accident. You can take shortcuts; but as you've found, they don't work. Being average looking doesn't relegate you to the bottom of the barrel (considering average means like most people), and being beautiful doesn't guarantee you'll get the superior pickings from the cream of the crop. It's hit or miss. Regardless of your physical appearance, or where/how you search.
The fact is, it happens when it happens. You'll have to chill with the cynicism and pessimism. Take an extra-strength chill-pill, boyfriend! You've been searching out of your league; and the frustration has eaten away at your self-esteem. My friend, you're hot to somebody out there; and you should seek the best qualities in people first, and let looks fall in the middle somewhere. If you don't get hits on a site, it's because they are all searching for perfection. The vast majority of young gay men are narcissistic, conceited, and very self-absorbed. They look for arm-candy; because if they can get that, it validates their own good looks. " Makes a cute couple." Doesn't necessarily mean a happy, or a well-matched compatible couple.
Looks have been your primary focus; so now you feel not getting a lot of hits means you're not approachable or attractive. Quite the contrary, you don't appeal to narcissistic, conceited, self-absorbed types who prevail on the dating sites. They're alone for a reason, and they're searching just like you are. Nobodies perfect, but you don't have to scrape the bottom; because you fall in the middle, and couldn't reach the top. Start from the middle and work you way up. You've got plenty of time, so you may as well enjoy the journey.
Oh, by the way! You're not always the one settling. Someone may be settling for you! It's not all hinged on your looks!
Attitude counts as well, kiddo!
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