A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedandprobablydumb
writes:Everytime my boyfriend and I have a huge argument I would leave for a night to go to my parents house to cool off or to go and speak to them and ask advice. When my boyfriend and I argue, we stay mad, irritated, etc., at least a whole day/night. So anyway, while I'm gone he messages other women; asking to meet up. He does this through his Facebook where he knows I will see it because I have access to his Facebook. He says he does because he's teaching me a lesson for leaving him, for walking out. But the thing is, if we stay in each others presence or close to one another after a big fight, it seems to escalate and keep going!!! I already have trust and self-worth issues from other stupid things that have happened in our relationship when I've left or when we split up for a bit. Should I stay in this relationship and seek counselling? He's suggested it as well, admitted to me he was immature for doing it, he was extremely angry and wanted to get back at me, but still thought I deserved it for making him angrier and leaving...Or should I just leave this relationship and find someone who won't treat me this way?? At same time I feel like it is my fault and I am maybe the one being immature and causing this to happen. He talks about marriage, a future, he's moved out of the country into town for me (sold his house and got apartment, for us), he's quit drinking/drugs as well, but I STILL have trust issues with him. I'm super confused and don't know if its me causing the breakdown of this relationship or if its him. Either way, I'm still unhappy and can't get over these trust issues because they keep replaying in the back of head over and over...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): I just want to say that if you do stay with him. you must tell him that there is a big difference between you leaving to cool off at your parents place so that things dont escalate out of control and him seeking female companionship when you guys fight. That is not okay, childish and disrespectful.
I cannot tell you whether or not to stay with him but I will tell you this: When you are more sad then happy for an extended period of time, its time to rethink the relationship.
Best of luck to you! Relationships are hard work. Im keeping my fingers crossed for you. :)
A
female
reader, Confusedandprobablydumb +, writes (26 April 2013):
Confusedandprobablydumb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay thank you, your responses clarify a lot.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 April 2013):
 For a guy to go message other women to meet up is asinine. He's using other women for a cheap ego boost, and he's trying to get an edge over you by showing how desirable he can be if you make him mad.
I wouldn't tolerate the behavior or his explanation for one second. How would he feel if you went off and solicited other men to get back at him? He wouldn't be happy.
This guy isn't marriage material, and at 26-29 years of age, your standards should be much higher, and he should know better. Messaging other women is cheating and disloyalty. A good couple should be able to survive a big argument without fear of someone trying to use other women to get back at their partner.
He's too immature for marriage, and I'd leave him for that sort of thing. But you're not without fault either. It's not cool during a fight to go run off and get sympathy from family members. They're going to hate him, and when you get over these various fights, they will remember and not like the guy. You are getting your ego boost by getting outside attention and sympathy and dragging other people into your argument, and he's doing it by getting attention from other women.
The best thing to do is to talk things out in an argument, but if you have to go cool off, that's fine too. But it's not cool to go drag family into fights because it damages family relationships present and future, and it's REALLY not cool to go solicit other women to teach a lesson.
I think your relationship is doomed, to be honest. If you're fighting this much, and resorting to these behaviors, then there's no future. Things don't get better, and he's not going to change. When you're marriage, he'll simply cheat to get his.
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A
female
reader, Confusedandprobablydumb +, writes (26 April 2013):
Confusedandprobablydumb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he doesn't meet up with them. Does it to hurt me and get a rise out of me I guess. Definitely gets my attention when I leave though. I do not know why I keep coming back. I just know I feel awful and miss him a lot when I'm not with him.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (26 April 2013):
 I think messaging other women is pretty unacceptable. Does he meet up with them? Why do you go back?
Counselling can help two people communicate better with each other but it can't fix a relationship that doesn't work.
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