A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex finished with me almost 6 months ago, and it broke my heart and I'm still really struggling to get over it. Without wanting to sound vain, I get a lot of male attention and so a couple of months after, I started seeing someone else, but if I'm honest I only did it to try and get over my ex. And I couldn't help liking the fact my ex was clearly jealous.That one obviously didn't work out as I had no feelings for him, and now I'm seeing someone else. But STILL I think about my ex all the time. He's been an absolute arsehole to me since we finished, I know I'm too good for him, so WHY do I still care so much about him? I have to see him on a regular basis and it kills me that we don't even speak or anything because I know I still love him.I don't know what to do. Do I stop seeing this other guy, because basically it's not fair on him? I think he's a nice guy, but I don't have any romantic feelings for him at the moment. But I just feel like staying single isn't helping me either because I feel like I need someone else to be able to move on.Any advice please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 After about 16 years, I still miss my wife of almost 20 years. The marriage ended when you were probably just a baby - in 1996. It is probably best that we have not even seen each other for 16 years - but yes, I still think about her quite frequently.
The thing is - what do I really miss? What do I really think about?
After all these years, I now know that what I miss is the "thought" of having a loving partner, a lover, a friend of absolute trust and more. It's the idea of a lasting marriage I really miss, but not necessarily the person.
Most of those 20 years, I think we had that. But it suddenly ended. There were more "loves" both before and since. But I still think of the one that lasted 20 years, if the courtship is counted. There were no children.
My point is - for many of us, there will be loves that come and go. Some may last long. One may last a lifetime for the lucky among us. You are still so very young, and especially these days, you may have to go through a few relationships to find a lasting one. Indeed, you need to find someone else. Regretting one lost love will take you nowhere.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 "I know I'm too good for him, so WHY do I still care so much about him?"
Because how much you love and care for someone isn't in proportion to how good of a person they are. It is in proportion with how much love and care you have within YOURSELF. If you have a lot of love to give, then you can love even an a-hole. If you don't have much love to give it wouldn't matter how amazing someone is.. you wouldn't care for them. Which is why you didn't care for these recent men you've been with. For all we know they deserved to be loved, yet you didn't love them. Thus, it is not dependent on how good a person is, or how much they "deserve" it. We love in proportion to how much we, ourselves, are able to love.
So you're sending all your love to your ex. That's why you don't feel anything for these new guys, and it's got nothing to do with who's a good guy or who's an a-hole.
Bottom line in all of this is: if you're not yet over your ex, or not yet ready to date again.. then don't date. Wait a while, until you've recovered and gotten emotionally further away from your ex.
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