A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering what to do about an ex who is stringing me along:The relationship was 2 years ago and lasted only 2 months. He seemed very serious and asked me early on about being exclusive. When we met and dated I was living 3 hours away from him (I had been planning to move back to the area he lived prior to meeting him). He drove out to see me constantly and things were great until about 2 months. He almost said "I love you," on multiple occasions and he was acting so strange for a week that I figured he was going to break up with me or finally say it, and I didn't have a clue which one it would be. He broke up with me, and then we didn't communicate after that until about 4 months later. Since then we have seen each other a handful of times, never anything physical between us besides kissing on a couple of occasions, but we text regularly, usually a few times a week, sometimes every day. There have been a number of brief periods of time (1-4 weeks) where we will stop talking completely, sometimes I initiate this, sometimes he does. One of us always eventually breaks the silence. Throughout the course of these communications he has become much more emotionally open to me and has shared things that he hasn't shared with any of his friends or family. His consistent story is that he broke up with me because of the distance. We have also had a couple of conversations in which he's made comments about how hard dating is and how he just breaks up with everyone and sometimes he just feels like he's making up reasons to break up with people. He got out of a really long term relationship a couple years back, he hasn't talked to her more than a handful of times since then, and only for practical things that had to be taken care of, but has only been able to cut the final practical ties with her in the last few months due to a situation that was out of his control.A couple of months ago I made the move I had been planning, and now I live only a few minutes away from him. After I moved he asked me a number of times if I was seeing anyone. I told him I was dating, but not seeing anyone in particular. He asked me what I was up to one night and I truthfully told him I was going out on a date. This very obviously upset him. A few weeks ago we met up and had drinks (his suggestion). He asked me about my dating experiences since we had dated, he spent a lot of time talking about weddings and marriage and babies and relationship stresses all related to things going on with his friends. He kept bringing these topics up which struck me as odd. He paid, walked me home, kissed me goodnight (I told him he couldn't come inside), and he texted me when he got home to say he had a great time. Things were normal the following day, but since then he has fallen into a non-communicative phase. I haven't tried to communicate with him at all because I can tell he's not wanting to chat with me right now. Part of me hopes this is just the end and then I can move on, but if the past 2 years are any indication he will resurface and I will be back to being confused again. I should have directly addressed this with him earlier but I stupidly thought that this would resolve itself either way when I moved. Now I feel silly directly addressing it after having let it go this long. We have great chemistry, I love talking to him, and we have compatible goals and ideas about things. I'd love to try to see if it could work now that the distance is gone, but I also don't want to waste any more time or energy on the situation which seems pretty hopeless and want resolution so I can move on/I already feel silly enough having continued in this situation for 2 years.Should I say something to him? And if so, what? Or should I just force myself to walk away and move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): Your friend has a classic case of commitment phobia. You have gone for the bait; and continue giving him positive reinforcement. Always there at his beck and call.
He can have your attention, delay your moving on, and string you along...without commitment. All he has to do is bring up something commitment-related, and you fall for it.
Your instincts and suspicions about this are right on target. The devil is in the details, and I read every word of your post.
You feel sorry for him, you long for him; but your better judgment is pulling at your heart, and telling you it is time to move on. So move on, it's been a long two years.
He has a problem letting go. He waited for his other ex to see if she would finally cave in and reconcile. He made up reasons to continue contact, that make no sense. Why would he need to contact someone who broke up two years ago unless he owed her money, or she owed him money. He wanted to see if he could get her to show a sign of wanting him back.
He wouldn't even share the details. There is no situation out of his control that couldn't have been resolved in the span of two years, or by mail. Especially with someone you're not even married to. His attempt to get back with her failed. Now he's out of touch while he goes into hiding to lick his wounds.
You are already at that point you can come and go as you please. There is no hope after being dragged around by the heart for two years. You moved closer, and he had every opportunity to commit and say he wanted you back. Now not a word? Sounds like you're back up on the shelf to me.
"Starve her a little, and like Pavlov's dogs, she'll salivate when she sees me."
I suggest that you take the bull by the horns and simply take this window of opportunity, and cut the umbilical cord.
You've mothered and tended this guy for far too long.
I know you care for him, but he will delay your final phase of recovery from your original breakup. He kept you on hold just as a place-warmer.
You're sweet, kind, and affectionate. Yet not enough to make him commit. You still harbor feelings, and he checks now and again to be sure the embers continue to keep burning. You won't commit to anyone else, as long as he keeps one foot in the door. He knows you well and how to manipulate you emotionally.
Your post shows you're wise to his game, and you just need that extra push and reassurance that your instincts are on target. You can trust your gut on this one.
Force yourself to walk away, and stop delaying the day you find the right guy who will commit to you.
Someone to fulfill all those things he just dangled like a carrot on a stick in front of your nose; but was never man enough to make it happen. Don't even bother to cling to friendship, or you'll never truly get over him.
Living close-by is no excuse. Live your life.
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