A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a professional woman in my early 30's. I have been with my partner for 7 years, and there have been a lot of ups and downs. While we have a deep and intense passion for each other, as well as a profound love, there has also been a lot of anger and we have had many, many, serious arguments. Although we share some interests, I am not interested in or knowledgeable about his field of work, although it is very important to him. I know it disappoints him that, although I have tried, I cannot participate in this aspect of his life. We have another problem, specifically that he wants to move back to Europe where he is from, and although I am not opposed to this idea in theory, I am in a line of work that might be difficult to pursue abroad as I am specifically trained for the United States. As my job is of the utmost importance to me -- I get a lot of gratification from it -- I do not know if I could give this up, and fear that if I did, I would be very resentful.It is against this backdrop that I have developed an intense infatuation for a colleague. Although we have worked together several years, this is more or less a very recent development. It is precipitated in part by the fact that I have become a good friend of his good friend at work, and so we all have been going out for drinks after work a lot. I find him physically very attractive, and I am very, very drawn to him. He is a bit aloof and reserved, but also very kind and very, very intelligent and I have great admiration for his abilities at work. I am genuinely mystified as to whether or not he shares any of my feelings. Sometimes I get the impression that he does, but he has a strong sense of propriety and, I believe, would never, ever initiate anything, or admit to anything, or in fact respond to anything from me as long as I am with my partner. In fact, sometimes my partner has joined us for drinks after work, so I think that would make him even less likely to broach anything improper. Other times I think any reciprocation may very well just be in my head. Although I love my partner very much, I have this gnawing in the back of my mind that I could be much happier with this person, that this is the person I am supposed to be with and that I should take the risk. But I don't know if this is just a result of my insecurity about my relationship. I am also well aware that no relationship is perfect, and even were I to leave my partner successfully for this colleague, we would have our own problems. This is really tormenting me, and I don't know what to do. I am afraid of looking back later in life and, whether or not my partner and I have remained together, being very regretful that I did not take the opportunity to at least find out if this person shares my intense feelings for him. On the other hand, were I to try to find out, and he did not reciprocate, I would be forever humiliated, our friendship would be ruined, and I would have to find another job, I think. What should I do??
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (7 May 2016):
So. Let me get this straight. You want to know whether this man likes you too, because if he does you will immediately begin a torrid illicit affair with him in the broom closet, fall madly in love, and eventually trot off with him into the great blue yonder and live mostly happily thereafter, because every relationship has its problems.
But what if he doesn't like you? Then you would just stay with your current partner because why?
Because you are afraid to be alone. You aren't happy with your current partner. Come on. Admit it. You want out, and you are hoping this guy may be your way out.
I urge you to be strong. I urge you to leave your current unhappy relationship and go be on your own. You don't always have to have somebody waiting in the wings. In fact it is much healthier to stay single for a bit so you can get your bearings.
I also think you are reading too much into the other guy's behavior. You describe him as aloof. I think if he liked you he would let you know it, and that you are misinterpreting his every move to suit your fantasy narrative.
A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (7 May 2016):
In my opinion, you should firstly decide if you want to end you relationship. To me, it sounds like you want to try something out with this other guy if you have the opportunity, and won't risk humiliation, whilst still with your current partner should it not work out.
Really??
Nothing dignified in your plan, if you ask me. Quite cowardly...are you happy with your partner or not? Do you see a future with him or not? Then once you've decided on that, of you are single then you could look at persuing this other man.from where I'm standing, you have a lot of backburner action while you try before you buy...weak and disrespectful
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