A
male
age
36-40,
*attClarke
writes:My girlfriend and I had a heated argument a few days ago. Yesterday, I was having a drink with my best friend, we have been friends since high school. He asked me how Linda was and I told him we had split and that she was fair game. I knew that he thought she was sexy and only stayed away because we were dating. Tom and Linda have just started dating and I have conflicting feelings. I feel that I was wrong in the initial fight that led to us breaking up and would like to reconcile. Another part of me is rather turned on by knowing that my best friend is now hoping to get into my ex girlfriend's panties sometime in the near future. I have seen her a couple of times and had a few openings to make up. She gave me a few openings and we do have the opportunity to talk daily (We work in the same building) while Tom works across town). Should I back track on my friend and make up with Linda or should I let him enjoy and wait for a similar breakup and then step in. I have to admit, it is a strange but intoxicating turn on seeing my friend with my former girlfriend. I would like to discuss my feelings with those who have experienced a similar situation.Tom and I are both 25 and Linda is 23. We are definitely not love struck teenagers.Matt
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Are you turned on because of the fact that she is dating your friend keeps her relatively close to you...you always have a common subject of conversation?....
Or are you turned on because you suspect that there is a happy ending involved for you when and if she breaks up with your friend?
Have you considered that perhaps they really like each other and may be building a meaningful relationship?
I ask these questions because it sounds like she isn't really the issue at stake...but perhaps your ego is. I would pinpoint my feelings before I try to ask her back. You can reconcile with her without neccessarily dating her again, it's not an either/or situation.
Perhaps because you have such high stakes in this situation (a best friend AND a girlfriend) you aren't seeing things clearly. I would wait it out and not make a move. Also, I wouldn't speak to her at all about your best friend. No commentary or advice.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 January 2011):
 You told your best friend that your ex was "fair game" meaning he had the green light to date her. If you sneak back in and take her from him secretly or otherwise, you will definitely lose your best friend.
You made an emotional and impulsive mistake in greenlighting your friend to date her only a few days after you and your girlfriend broke up. You may not be a lovestruck teenager, but you're acting like one.
You didn't want the girl, but your friend having her made her attractive to you. She became a conquest again and now you're getting turned on with the idea of winning her back from your friend.
Let's leave the lovestruck teenager mentality behind and ask ourselves some very mature questions here.
1. Why did you break up with your ex in the first place? Why don't the reasons exist now that caused the fight that made the breakup possible?
2. Do you want to lose your best friend by getting mixed up in his new relationship with her?
My advice is to do the only thing that will save your best friend and maybe bring her back, and that's just to step back and let them date. Either she will miss you and break up with him, or their relationship will progress. However, if you cheat with her on your best friend, you will lose a guy who has been your most loyal friend for years, and he is what is most important here.
In the future, don't declare an "ex" fair game until you've both broken up AND gotten over her, which takes a lot longer than a few days.
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