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female
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anonymous
writes:I just met my bf's friends and I really don't like them at all. They are the most disrespectful people I have ever met and I find them to be quite sexist. They make the most awful "jokes" I have ever heard. They think its funny talking about women being bashed up by their bfs. They refer to women walking by as 'vaginas', and all this other gross stuff, that is just a couple examples of many other things which only gets worst. One of the guys in their group is married and all the guys were encouraging him to cheat on his wife by geting with this other girl that was there. Not sure if he did end up hooking up with her, I didnt stay for the whole time. My bfs friends refer to their gfs as their 'bitches'. I just feel so uncomfortable around my bfs friends. And what upsets me most is that he laughs and looks like he agrees with all the things they do. So it makes me have doubts in his values. And I am worried that once I we have been going out for longer, he might treat me badly, as all his friends seem to have this negative view of women. My bf was upset with me because I didnt really have a conversation with anyone there. I feel that is so unfair of him to be upset with me because what the hell am I supposed to talk to his friends about? I dont share their passion for women bashing or making degrading jokes about women...so what am I supposed to say? Literally almost every sentence that comes out of their mouth is degrading in some manner. Not to mention, his friends didnt make any attempt to talk to me, they didnt even say hello to me. My bf didnt even introduce them to me. We just walked in and they all said hello to my bf and started talking, while I was standing their, wiaitng to be introduced, but it neverh appened.I just feel he is being so unfair. I dont know how to tell him how I feel. Do I tell him I dont like his friends? Usualy I will suck it up around people I dont like, and always be polite etc etc...however I am just soooo offended by his friends, and really hurt because I am very against the way they treat women. I dont know if I can continue to hang around his friends and pretend eveyrthing is ok. They just make me so mad. Please help! By the way my bf and his group of friends are around the ages of 23-28. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): Erm, if you were gonna "wait it out" then why did u ask for advice from us? Lol
Well his friends don;t HAVE to be your friends. Don't hang out with them. I'm sure you have friends of your own so hang out with them instead and just tell him you don't like them. Most likely when you tell him why, he will tell them those reasons in his friends ways ^^
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): Stop making excuses for him and pay attention, actions speak louder than words. A guy can "say anything" and not mean it if his behavior says something else.
So what he works with morons, are every single one of his work mates morons? Surely there are some older more mature people at his company that he could choose to share yucks with and avoid the ones he doesn't like, did that happen here?
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 You got a point about people from work. that is why I asked how he is normally. If he normally is never like this and this was the first time you ever saw him making degrading jokes or listening to them, then he might just be trying to fit in at work. Kick him for completly ignoring you (he might care about what his co-workers think of him, but he should care more what you think about him) but I can understand him being in a split. I worked in construction... not exactly a place where someone who doesn't fit in fits in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): I have always always judged a man by his friends. As the other posts say 'you can chose your friends but not your family'. On this basis he likes the way they act and what they say. Personally I would find what they say unbearably insulting and actually the words they use are 'abusive'and degrading in the extreme. If someone in a relationship was called these names directly it would be emotional and verbal abuse. Ditch this guy for your own sake - he has no boundaries. He sounds immature and vile to me and you know better but you are letting your feelings for him get in the way of common sense by trying to reason and justify his manner. Don't. Each time we let someone change our belief systems part of our soul and character disappears. They are undermining you. Remove yourself from their company and be with your own friends or find people of similar interests. By doing this you will strengthen instead of weaken yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrhythmandblues2- We have been going out for 2 months. We havent actually had sex yet, I want to wait until we have known each other for longer, and he said he will wait for me as long as it takes, becuase im "worth it" (his words).
LazyGuy: thats true, you do pick your friends, i understand that. but, to be fair, these were all his work friends, and you have no choice with who you work with. it was a work group get together. he doesnt know anyone outside of work as well, he hasnt been living in this town that long. so i guess he hasnt had much of a choice of friends really. When he isnt around his friends, he treats me well i think. and i wouldnt say he treats me badly when hes around his friends, apart from the not introducing me part and laughing at their degrading comments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): In every point you've raised, you pointed every instance I would have mentioned to make u see that you should not be with a guy like this. I will also add that you can not change him nor will he change. I say that because of the fact that he made no attempt to introduce you or side with you to say "ok yeah I can understand u can't get along with them coz..."
In the worse case scenario, that you decide to stay with your bf, he will get the worst possible advice should problems arise. You will be miserable forever. And when you decide to leave it may be too late.
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (11 July 2009):
Got to agree. You can't pick your family but you do pick your friends.
His behavior towards you when his friends are near speaks volumes. So what is behavior like when they are not around?
You got a warning sign. Read it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): You can judge a man by the company he keeps. He shares their values or they wouldn't be his friends. He thinks they are just so cool doesn't he? These are a really bunch of immature guys, which begs the question, is your boyfriend the right guy for you? The fact that his friends didn't even acknowledge you tells me that you may be just a temporary thing. How long have you been going out with said boyfriend. Being a girlfriend doesn't mean much to a guy other than you are a steady sexual thing....he isn't probably at the age or maturity level where he is thinking marriage and family.
What are you looking for, doll? Focus on that and test this guy to see if he is the right one for you.
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